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Soukoku Angst - Blog Posts
✮⋆˙ THE ONLY EXCEPTION.
𓂃 ࣪˖ ཐིཋྀ LIFE EMBODIMENT! Dazai!
X DEATH EMBODIMENT! Chuuya!
⁺‧₊˚ ཐིཋྀ ˚— SUMMARY: Everything was the same for the two bodies, one had a curse of living and the other had the curse of death.
Every reincarnation of chuuya was him losing his loved ones then hisself, and on dazais side of the story, he does not reincarnate. He rots in the boundaries of living trying to fill the gaping hole in his chest but everytime he gets close to another human being, they face misfortune that does not include death.
It is bad both ways. The people around dazai gets corrupted by the living and chuuyas dies on his hands.
𓂃 ࣪˖ ཐིཋྀ — ANGST + FLUFF (?) + ALTERNATE UNIVERSE
A/N: can you guys tell i dont know how to get more color fonts in tumblr? I genuinely don't know how people get grey or pastel colored texts..(－‸ ლ) also the title is from the song, "the only exception" by paramore! Anyways, enjoy the soukoku — <3
Extra note! : i decided not to write what i usually write, gothic romance.. But you never know🙏
(i also just broke my leg and English isn't my first language so please excuse my grammer..)
also NOT!! PROOFREAD.
—˚₊‧⁺⋆ WARNINGS! : Blood, Death, Swearing, Alcohol
Most people that lives in the world believes that reincarnations did not exist, but chuuya did. He believed it since he has experienced it himself, in every universe he was always reincarnating as his self but in different universes with different outcomes. And every outcome was never good, he always had to lose somebody or himself, in every universe he loses somebody, it was either the flags, the sheep, dazai or more..in every universe someone is always dying. And that someone is someone he cares about.
Reincarnation after reincarnation, his memory was still there.. The memory of his past lives, he lost hope that he truly did not wanted to get close with anyone again. Everytime chuuya died, He wished that he would finally reincarnate in a universe that he belonged in.
Every waking day of his life felt like dread but he tries to make the best out of it, his personality never changes. He was still the sarcastic guy he is, but just more distant..
Another stake to his heart and caskets were served once again, this was the end of chuuyas other life. And he will reincarnate into another one once again, it was a never ending agonizing cycle.
As he reincarnates all over again, same story same everything. He escapes the lab through his brother verlaine, joins the sheep then join the port mafia. Chuuya avoided mostly everyone though, not getting too close with anyone as always. But as he met dazais snarky face again, he felt the same as others. Someway somehow he knew that dazai would die due to him but he ignored it.
"Ugh. Do i really have to work with this kid?" Dazai says while rolling his eyes
"who the hell are ya callin' a kid?"
✮₊⊹₊⋆ ☠︎︎ ⋆₊ ⊹✮
Mission after mission, dazai and chuuya spend their time together, dazai wanted to learn more about chuuya, in his eyes, chuuya was more human than he could ever be. He was drawn to his aura and how perceptive chuuya was. (due to how many times he has reincarnated.)
Chuuya was drawn to dazai as well since he seemed like he had no affect on chuuyas 2nd ability, which was being the embodiment of death. Dazai was alive and all teasing as always that chuuya missed the feeling of spending time with someone.. Even though it was dazai, the person that made his head hot, he found comfort in the way dazai was.
Years passes by, they both found comfort in eachother, within each banter was a hint of care, and dazai found something to live for.. For atleast a certain period of time. And it was chuuya, chuuya was unreadable to him, chuuya was like an anomaly, something extraterrestrial. Which made dazai want chuuya more, he wanted to live for chuuya and for chuuya specifically.
The two of them just had a connection in this universe thay chuuya couldn't decipher, why? Dazai was the only person that believed that he was human, that mattered to him alot.
The both of them currently just finished a mission and they both just sit down on a field of grass, talking and just bullying each other as always.
"Don't talk crap about my height when im still growin' jackass." chuuya snarked back at dazais comments about his height.
"And when will that magically happen?" dazai chuckled, chuuya glares at him and sighs and mutters out — "soon. I swear."
Dazai smirks and moves closer to chuuya, his face close chuuyas, chuuya just glares at him with a faint pink tint on the ends of his ears.
"you know, you're very hot headed and weird."
"what the hell does that mean?!" chuuya asks in an offended way.
"But that's what makes me love you." dazai smiles softly at chuuya before pulling away.
Chuuya looks at him with a raised brow and replies back, "ew, that's gross man!"
Dazai laughs back at his reaction. The reaction that he seemed to feel weird towards to. The feeling that bubbles up in his stomach that he found uncomfortable but exciting, chuuya had always standed out of the rest that dazai knew that he was— The only exception.
⋆｡‧₊°♱༺𓆩❦︎𓆪༻♱༉‧₊˚.
Chuuya and dazai balanced out eachother perfectly, they matched eachothers personality in an unexpected way. And thats why they're always hanging out after missions.
Chuuya bought some ice cream for the both of them, they played some arcade games and then went on a walk in the forests of yokohama.
Dazai stared at chuuya the whole time as they ate their ice cream. Dazai had the same feeling again, something bubbling up in his stomach. He wasn't sure of the feeling since he has never quite experienced it before but as he thinks about the last "dates" him and chuuya have been going on, it hit him. He has a fucking crush on the chuuya nakahara..but it wasn't a biggie for him, he did confess that he loved him from the start.. But he wanted him madly. A graze of chuuyas hand already sent him to the moon...
Chuuya looks at dazai and catches him staring, dazai locks eyes with him and smiles warmly while eating the ice cream. Chuuya felt warm.. Like it was the first time he has ever experienced life, dazai had no effects of chuuya and neither did chuuya to dazais.
The more and more time passes by, the more desperate they got. Chuuya felt more attracted to dazais demeanor and dazai felt more attracted to chuuyas mannerism.
There was just something that made dazai lose his breath from chuuya, to his way of combat and to the way he even replies back to banter, dazai felt more intrigued.. From the way chuuya patches dazai up with soft and gentle touches and the eye contact they always gave each other.. Drove dazai insane.
Everything felt out of hand for the both of them, dazai was smitten and chuuya was embarrassed, they both swore it was just a crush and they were both indenial about it.
Chuuya has lived through many universes but in this one.. In this one he felt something. No body was dying when dazai was around, and chuuya wanted to keep it that way.
In dazais case, he felt like something was wromg with him, like he was just alone with nobody understanding him like the way he understood people. He saw death as just an extension of life and that's why he wanted to die so badly, because he could not just die through natural causes, but as many times he tried to die, he couldn't.
One day, chuuya wanted to reject the feeling that was lingering in him, the feeling of wanting dazai. And that was the worse decision of his life. He decided to distance hisself away from dazai that dazai got curious.. "did i do something to piss him off? Why is he just randomly ignoring me?.." dazai thought.
As time distanced the two, everything went back to normal, chuuya wanted to protect dazai by just distancing himself from him, chuuya knew that his deathly quirk wouldn't hurt dazai but he was still wary. The both of them slowly lost connections that led to dazai leaving the port mafia and bombing chuuyas car— "god damnit. Ugh.. great."
As the two distance theirselves, chuuya tries to take another shot in getting close to people even though he knew the consequences but still.. Cadavers scattered his soul.
Distance took a toll on dazai, he felt connected to chuuya like he was his soulmate, they were one soul in 2 different bodies, that which made the both of them somewhat connected.
Years and years passes by and melancholy filled the hearts of both of the 2 men, dazai had already tried to commit suicide numerous times.. And time after time.. It finally worked.
His body was found floating unconscious in a deep lake, bricks and his wallet was found in his coats pocket. The police investigates the scene and this eventually reaches chuuya, his heart stopped at the news, dazai was the only person he cared about during the time.
His eyes were wide as he gets the news from a phone call through his akutagawa and he clenches his fist, "i.. I understand.. Yes."
"a picture of you was found in his wallet.." akutagawa mentions before chuuya hangs up. he felt numb. he wanted to scream since thats how he expresses pain but he couldn't. He already knew the feeling of losing who he cares about, why does he feel so Different?
He covers his mouth and a cold sweat dripped down his back, he felt regret. He should've never distanced hisself fron dazai, he wished he could've atleast confessed his feelings. The only person who stayed alive with him that he cared about died because he thought distancing hisself would do any good.
He would never forgive himself, but in every universe, he forgave dazai.. Since he was the only exception.
BONUS! :: a bouquet was in chuuyas arms as he walks aroumd the graveyard, visiting the grave of an old friend. Dazai osamus. He leans down and offers the bouquet of flowers, sitting down with his hand in his coats pocket, he stares at dazais name and he smiles softly and chuckles, "you know.. I take back what i said.. I didn't mean it. I swear. I love you too, samu."
He says as he takes out a pistol out of the pocket of his coat, "i hope i meet ya again, i swear i'll treasure you more." he says as he points the pistol to his head and pulling the trigger.
© All works by @Verlaineszz. Do not copy, redistribute, or repost on other platforms.
||TAGS:
Oneshot -Pushing and Pulling. Home.
Fandom: BSD -Bungo Stray Dogs
Ship: Soukoku - Dazai x Chuuya
A/N: This is the fanfic version of the comic with quite a bit more detail in it than the comic did. It has Dazai's direct thoughts leading up to his attempt from the beginning of the comic, as well as a look at Chuuya's own thoughts.
TW: blood, self-harm, suicide attempt, language
A/N: Also posted on Ao3
Comic version HERE
Nothing…
Numbingly empty…
A mirage of thoughts ran rampant throughout his mind with no end in sight. They pushed and pulled him down with arms of inky black darkness into the sheets below.
The tug had been growing worse, harder to ignore over time. It came on gradually, leaving him little chance to fend them off before he realized it was too late. It had taken him too long to notice the grip of the demons in his mind.
He didn’t want to admit that even after defecting from the Port Mafia, after surviving for two years underground, after doing everything for Odasaku, he hadn’t changed.
Even after all of Fyodor’s bullshit, and he and Chuuya had finally become partners again -though now it meant more to them.
He hadn’t changed.
It had been a while since he had genuinely attempted anything, what with Chuuya’s watchful eyes. That and when he was around Chuuya, the darkness of his thoughts often receded, soothed by the ethereal man he had the undeserved privilege to call his lover.
Sadly, with their differing jobs, it was simply impossible to be with Chuuya every minute of every day.
In fact, Chuuya was currently away on an abroad mission. He was set to be back sometime tomorrow after having been gone for an entire month.
Without Chuuya around to soothe the demons in his head, he fell.
He fell victim to the grabbing hands.
Pushing and pulling.
Inky blackness.
His face contorted in a frown as a restlessness overtook him.
‘He’ll be back tomorrow.’ He tried telling himself through the cacophony of countless thoughts. Fruitless, really, but he didn’t want to hurt Chuuya. Not again.
Pushing.
Pulling.
Blackness.
Darkness.
It filled his lungs like thick black blood.
Sweet like honey with the seducing promise of relief.
A quiet mind.
With no thumping beat of a heart.
Pushing.
Pulling.
His feet hit the ground before his mind could stop him.
Pushing.
Pulling.
His hand reached for the door to the bathroom.
Pushing.
Pulling.
Chuuya had stopped messaging daily sometime after the first week. Too busy with his mission.
Chuuya hadn’t messaged him since last week.
Pushing.
Pulling.
What if he was hurt?
What if he didn’t come back.
Pushing.
Pulling.
What if he didn’t want to come back?
Pushing.
Pulling.
His clothes hit the floor by the door, the bandages on his arms and legs following.
Pushing. Pulling.
The blade cut, stinging.
Through his skin.
Through the bandages still covering his chest.
Red.
Pushing. Pulling.
Inky red blood flowed out. Seeped into his skin.
Into the pristine white covering him.
White never did suit him.
Pushing, pulling.
The water from the faucet meshed horrendously with his rampant thoughts.
His vision was flooded with a bloody red color as his arm reached out in front of him to stop the running water.
Waves of steam rolled off and over the tub.
Pushing, Pulling.
The water bled red as he stepped into the tub.
Burning.
A pleasant burning from where the blade had cut through him and from the water as it came into contact with his skin.
The burning water seeped through his bandages, further burning.
Burning to combat the endless, bone-deep, freezing cold.
The inky red blood polluted the water.
Pushing.
Pulling.
Pushing and pulling him into a soothing embrace of darkness.
Quiet.
_____________________
The door clicked behind him softly.
He could feel the exhaustion deep in the marrow of his bones as he hung up his coat and haphazardly kicked off his shoes into the genkan.
He called out into the quiet house.
“Dazai! I’m home!”
He was greeted with silence.
He was supposed to arrive home the next day, so perhaps Dazai was asleep?
It was well past 2 in the morning.
But Chuuya knew Dazai always struggled to fall asleep. And since Dazai began to live with him, he relied on him to sleep.
‘I need my Chibi heater to stave off the cold! If you leave, then I’ll be left freezing and awake!’
The memory flashes through his head as he places his hat on the dining room table.
“Dazai?”
Silence.
He made his way towards their shared room when he noticed the bathroom light on.
He knocked softly on the door as he called out to him.
“Dazai?”
There was no response.
A seed of fear sprouted into a hideous flower in his gut.
Dazai wouldn’t… He had been clean for so long now.
He called out again, hopeful to get a response this time.
“Dazai? Are you in there?”
Silence.
He reached to open the door, unlocked.
His mind went blank as he looked at the bloody scene in front of him.
He stood there for a second that felt more like an hour, a day, a month.
He could see the steam from the likely scalding temperature of the water.
The blood was a vibrant red. Fresh.
The scent of iron filled his nostrils.
Then the panic set in.
He suddenly felt like a victim to the gravity he normally had flawless control over.
He rushed forward to check Dazai’s pulse, with little care for the blood staining his clothes.
Through his own rapid breathing, he was able to subtly feel Dazai’s slow pulse.
There was so much blood.
He let his mind wander to what could have happened while he was gone while he fell back to old habits. Picking up Dazai’s limp body, unplugging the drain, pulling off what remains of his bandages. Rinsing the blood still on him, redressing his wounds with two layers of bandages to avoid any more bleeding.
When he got to the ‘clothing Dazai’ step in his habitual process, Dazai began to stir into consciousness as he pulled up boxers over his legs.
He hardly noticed as his mind continued to drift. His hands moved to pull one of Dazai’s heavenly soft sweaters over him.
He left Dazai sitting on the stool in the bathroom as he finished cleaning the mess, mumbling to himself as his mind returned from drifting.
“…got Dazai cleaned, bandaged, and dressed…”
He pulled off his blood-soaked gloves, tossing them into the trash.
“Dinner can wait I guess… and I’ve got to change…”
He looked over himself, clothes stained red in blood.
“Dammit! And I’ve still got that report…”
A soft sniffle from behind him pulled him from his thoughts.
Behind him was Dazai, still sitting just like how Chuuya had left him to clean up.
He crouched down in front of him, reaching out to wipe some of his tears. Hesitant on whether Dazai was up for touch.
When Dazai didn’t shift away he brought his hands down to gently run along Dazai’s thickly bandaged knees.
He was at a loss for words, not having quite come to terms with the fact that if he had returned tomorrow, as was planned, Dazai would have been dead when he found him.
“…Do you wanna talk about it?”
His voice hardly sounded like his own, tentative, shaky, unsure.
Finally, a response reached his ears.
“Not really…”
Dazai’s eyes were blank, devoid of any feeling, as he looked into them.
He closed his eyes, sighing, both at finally being able to hear his voice and at the emotionless stare.
Then, Dazai spoke again.
“Can we… talk tomorrow?”
He didn’t realize he had been frowning until he felt his lips pull at a small smile.
Before they had gotten together, Dazai would never have asked to talk about something. If he didn’t bring up something then Dazai would never do it. And even when he did try to bring something up, Dazai would attempt to deflect and distract him from the conversation.
“Yeah… tomorrow. For now… I’ll change, we can order food and watch a movie. How’s that sound?”
“Cuddle?”
A soft chuckle left his lips at the hesitant tone Dazai spoke in.
“Yeah.”
Chuuya was hardly paying attention to the show, thinking of everything they would have to talk about tomorrow.
He felt Dazai nuzzle into him, pulling him from his thoughts. He looked down at the soft brown curls against his chest. Dazai’s head was turned toward the TV but from what he could see, Dazai’s eyes were closed, asleep.
He smiled, letting his eyes close.
He could feel sleep begin to overtake him now that he was finally home.
Home being the man in his arms.
Comic -Pushing and Pulling. Home.
Fandom: BSD -Bungo Stray Dogs
Ship: Soukoku - Dazai x Chuuya
TW: blood, self-harm, suicide attempt, language
Fanfic version: Pushing and Pulling. Home.
It's also posted on my ao3 which is now linked on my master list