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Oneshot -Perhaps in another life. In another time
Fandom: BSD -Bungo Stray Dogs
Ship: Dazai x Reader
TW: mental health problems, suicide, struggling reader, struggling dazai, character death, reader death, angst, no comfort
A/N: I saw this post and felt compelled to write because mood, I honestly feel the same, so uh, this is for you, @r3stingangel
You had met Dazai at a quant cafe below where he worked. You had found your gaze drawn to him. Something about him stood out.
Familiar.
He had caught you staring at him, but he didn't seem mad. He put on a flirtatious mask and walked over to you confronting you about staring. When he drew closer and looked into your eyes, something changed, his mask cracking.
Like he had realized the same thing you had.
Familiarity.
You began visiting that quant cafe more often, letting yourself relax in the presence of someone who understood you.
You came to learn more about each other with each visit, compelling you to continue going. It let you escape from reality for a little while.
The familiarity turned out to be a shared feeling of hopelessness. A shared feeling of purposelessness. Of inadequacy.
Nihilism.
It didn't take a genius to figure out what was under the bandages covering his neck and arms, perhaps even other parts of his body as well. And while you weren't covered in any bandages, you figured he knew you had your own personal scars as well.
Perhaps the biggest difference between you two was his flawless ability to hide behind well-crafted masks. It was something you faintly recall being capable of doing as a child, but now you were simply too exhausted to bother hiding your apathetic nature.
Dazai didn't seem to mind.
After some time of getting to know each other, he invited you to join him at a bar. A place he said held many memories of a time long gone. A time in which he was happy, even if fleeting.
He told you of his two friends, one turned traitor, the other dead.
You remember that night.
Odasaku was the man's name. He took you to his grave that night.
Though no tears were shed you could feel the melancholy surrounding him like an intoxicating aura. Coiling around the two of you like the fog did, seeping into your skin, your bones.
Currently, you were returning his gesture, bringing him to a place that held your happiest memories.
Fleeting as they were.
Before everything in your already difficult life went to absolute shit.
Bills were scattered on your kitchen table, and copies of a resume were among them.
And yet you were currently leading Dazai to a bridge. A beautiful river surrounded on both sides by flowers of all kinds.
It had been your happy place away from your home life where you hung out with your only friend.
You couldn't remember his name. Faint memories of hair so blonde the sun created a halo on his hair. A smile, innocent and youthful. An angel running through flowers in the middle of spring.
Red. Everywhere.
The platinum blonde hair was stained with a garish color.
A warm breeze, telling of the nearing summer shook you from your thoughts as you and Dazai made it to the bridge.
Even at night was it beautiful.
You looked at the man next to you.
He was no angel, far from it.
But perhaps that was why you got along, for you were no angel yourself.
Your hands would forever be stained in the red that seeped through platinum locks of hair.
"It's beautiful." He spoke softly as if to not disturb the calmness of their surroundings.
You smiled looking from Dazai down to the water, to the moon reflecting across in streaks of white. "It is, isn't it?"
Words were meaningless.
Speaking for the sake of speaking.
"My dear belladonna." His sentence left unfinished.
Belladonna's were a beautiful flower.
Poisonous.
"Would you be willing to end our suffering with me, love?" He finished. Words unneeded.
Lovers.
Something you were not.
Perhaps in another life. In another time.
You took his hand.
Moving to sit on the railing of the bridge with him, you looked up at the moon as it stared down, always watching.
You looked at where your hand was intertwined with his then up at his face.
Soft brown curls framed his face in an almost endearing way. Eyes a beautiful brownish burgundy color.
You smiled, genuinely.
He looked at you.
His lips pulled into a genuine smile. He looked tired.
Perhaps you looked the same.
You both closed what little space was left between you.
The kiss was soft. It would've been sweet if not laced with your shared melancholy.
Without breaking the kiss you both slipped off the railing.
Oneshot -Pushing and Pulling. Home.
Fandom: BSD -Bungo Stray Dogs
Ship: Soukoku - Dazai x Chuuya
A/N: This is the fanfic version of the comic with quite a bit more detail in it than the comic did. It has Dazai's direct thoughts leading up to his attempt from the beginning of the comic, as well as a look at Chuuya's own thoughts.
TW: blood, self-harm, suicide attempt, language
A/N: Also posted on Ao3
Comic version HERE
Nothing…
Numbingly empty…
A mirage of thoughts ran rampant throughout his mind with no end in sight. They pushed and pulled him down with arms of inky black darkness into the sheets below.
The tug had been growing worse, harder to ignore over time. It came on gradually, leaving him little chance to fend them off before he realized it was too late. It had taken him too long to notice the grip of the demons in his mind.
He didn’t want to admit that even after defecting from the Port Mafia, after surviving for two years underground, after doing everything for Odasaku, he hadn’t changed.
Even after all of Fyodor’s bullshit, and he and Chuuya had finally become partners again -though now it meant more to them.
He hadn’t changed.
It had been a while since he had genuinely attempted anything, what with Chuuya’s watchful eyes. That and when he was around Chuuya, the darkness of his thoughts often receded, soothed by the ethereal man he had the undeserved privilege to call his lover.
Sadly, with their differing jobs, it was simply impossible to be with Chuuya every minute of every day.
In fact, Chuuya was currently away on an abroad mission. He was set to be back sometime tomorrow after having been gone for an entire month.
Without Chuuya around to soothe the demons in his head, he fell.
He fell victim to the grabbing hands.
Pushing and pulling.
Inky blackness.
His face contorted in a frown as a restlessness overtook him.
‘He’ll be back tomorrow.’ He tried telling himself through the cacophony of countless thoughts. Fruitless, really, but he didn’t want to hurt Chuuya. Not again.
Pushing.
Pulling.
Blackness.
Darkness.
It filled his lungs like thick black blood.
Sweet like honey with the seducing promise of relief.
A quiet mind.
With no thumping beat of a heart.
Pushing.
Pulling.
His feet hit the ground before his mind could stop him.
Pushing.
Pulling.
His hand reached for the door to the bathroom.
Pushing.
Pulling.
Chuuya had stopped messaging daily sometime after the first week. Too busy with his mission.
Chuuya hadn’t messaged him since last week.
Pushing.
Pulling.
What if he was hurt?
What if he didn’t come back.
Pushing.
Pulling.
What if he didn’t want to come back?
Pushing.
Pulling.
His clothes hit the floor by the door, the bandages on his arms and legs following.
Pushing. Pulling.
The blade cut, stinging.
Through his skin.
Through the bandages still covering his chest.
Red.
Pushing. Pulling.
Inky red blood flowed out. Seeped into his skin.
Into the pristine white covering him.
White never did suit him.
Pushing, pulling.
The water from the faucet meshed horrendously with his rampant thoughts.
His vision was flooded with a bloody red color as his arm reached out in front of him to stop the running water.
Waves of steam rolled off and over the tub.
Pushing, Pulling.
The water bled red as he stepped into the tub.
Burning.
A pleasant burning from where the blade had cut through him and from the water as it came into contact with his skin.
The burning water seeped through his bandages, further burning.
Burning to combat the endless, bone-deep, freezing cold.
The inky red blood polluted the water.
Pushing.
Pulling.
Pushing and pulling him into a soothing embrace of darkness.
Quiet.
_____________________
The door clicked behind him softly.
He could feel the exhaustion deep in the marrow of his bones as he hung up his coat and haphazardly kicked off his shoes into the genkan.
He called out into the quiet house.
“Dazai! I’m home!”
He was greeted with silence.
He was supposed to arrive home the next day, so perhaps Dazai was asleep?
It was well past 2 in the morning.
But Chuuya knew Dazai always struggled to fall asleep. And since Dazai began to live with him, he relied on him to sleep.
‘I need my Chibi heater to stave off the cold! If you leave, then I’ll be left freezing and awake!’
The memory flashes through his head as he places his hat on the dining room table.
“Dazai?”
Silence.
He made his way towards their shared room when he noticed the bathroom light on.
He knocked softly on the door as he called out to him.
“Dazai?”
There was no response.
A seed of fear sprouted into a hideous flower in his gut.
Dazai wouldn’t… He had been clean for so long now.
He called out again, hopeful to get a response this time.
“Dazai? Are you in there?”
Silence.
He reached to open the door, unlocked.
His mind went blank as he looked at the bloody scene in front of him.
He stood there for a second that felt more like an hour, a day, a month.
He could see the steam from the likely scalding temperature of the water.
The blood was a vibrant red. Fresh.
The scent of iron filled his nostrils.
Then the panic set in.
He suddenly felt like a victim to the gravity he normally had flawless control over.
He rushed forward to check Dazai’s pulse, with little care for the blood staining his clothes.
Through his own rapid breathing, he was able to subtly feel Dazai’s slow pulse.
There was so much blood.
He let his mind wander to what could have happened while he was gone while he fell back to old habits. Picking up Dazai’s limp body, unplugging the drain, pulling off what remains of his bandages. Rinsing the blood still on him, redressing his wounds with two layers of bandages to avoid any more bleeding.
When he got to the ‘clothing Dazai’ step in his habitual process, Dazai began to stir into consciousness as he pulled up boxers over his legs.
He hardly noticed as his mind continued to drift. His hands moved to pull one of Dazai’s heavenly soft sweaters over him.
He left Dazai sitting on the stool in the bathroom as he finished cleaning the mess, mumbling to himself as his mind returned from drifting.
“…got Dazai cleaned, bandaged, and dressed…”
He pulled off his blood-soaked gloves, tossing them into the trash.
“Dinner can wait I guess… and I’ve got to change…”
He looked over himself, clothes stained red in blood.
“Dammit! And I’ve still got that report…”
A soft sniffle from behind him pulled him from his thoughts.
Behind him was Dazai, still sitting just like how Chuuya had left him to clean up.
He crouched down in front of him, reaching out to wipe some of his tears. Hesitant on whether Dazai was up for touch.
When Dazai didn’t shift away he brought his hands down to gently run along Dazai’s thickly bandaged knees.
He was at a loss for words, not having quite come to terms with the fact that if he had returned tomorrow, as was planned, Dazai would have been dead when he found him.
“…Do you wanna talk about it?”
His voice hardly sounded like his own, tentative, shaky, unsure.
Finally, a response reached his ears.
“Not really…”
Dazai’s eyes were blank, devoid of any feeling, as he looked into them.
He closed his eyes, sighing, both at finally being able to hear his voice and at the emotionless stare.
Then, Dazai spoke again.
“Can we… talk tomorrow?”
He didn’t realize he had been frowning until he felt his lips pull at a small smile.
Before they had gotten together, Dazai would never have asked to talk about something. If he didn’t bring up something then Dazai would never do it. And even when he did try to bring something up, Dazai would attempt to deflect and distract him from the conversation.
“Yeah… tomorrow. For now… I’ll change, we can order food and watch a movie. How’s that sound?”
“Cuddle?”
A soft chuckle left his lips at the hesitant tone Dazai spoke in.
“Yeah.”
Chuuya was hardly paying attention to the show, thinking of everything they would have to talk about tomorrow.
He felt Dazai nuzzle into him, pulling him from his thoughts. He looked down at the soft brown curls against his chest. Dazai’s head was turned toward the TV but from what he could see, Dazai’s eyes were closed, asleep.
He smiled, letting his eyes close.
He could feel sleep begin to overtake him now that he was finally home.
Home being the man in his arms.
Working on a mini soukoku comic that I'll hopefully actually finish
Got the idea during science and it won't leave me alone so I must draw
I might make it digital... eventually
...hopefully
Anyways, it's pretty dark considering the first picture I drew was of Dazai attempting...
Oh and with that second au I mentioned, I'm currently changing some of the bigger things so it will be a bit
Relationship Headcanons
Fandom: BSD -Bungo Stray Dogs
TW: none? I think?
DAZAI
I said it in my Soukoku fic, Dazai wouldn’t know affection if it slapped him in the face ten times
Like he might realize when someone is showing interest in a sexual kind
And he would probably notice if someone is crushing on him
But like, if he likes them back?
No
Man is blind
He’s too busy panicking over read denying his own thoughts and feelings over you to analyze your actions
He’s busy trying to think of anything but how pretty you are when he sees you -thank you very much
No joke though, this can be applied to pretty much anyone he cares about
I mean he practically had a heart attack when Atsushi gave him flowers
Anyways if he finally admits to himself that he likes you then I could see him trying to push you away if I’m being brutally honest
He doesn’t want to lose you and he believes that anything he wants that he obtains, will be striped from him sooner or later
But…, in a perfect world he would eventually work up the courage to ask you out
He would probably avoid directly asking you but this is Dazai so he could defiantly figure out some round-about way to ask
As for the relationship?
He would still be his teasing self
But he would tone it down
Not because he doesn’t want to annoy you but more so because he actually lets some of his masks down when alone with you
He defiantly is very clingy to you
Man has been touch starved for a long time and he fears attachment too much to be touchy with the ADA members
But now he has you, who not only tolerates him but has decided to stay with him?
Of course he’s not going to let this chance slip from his grasp before all this inevitably ends (he’s still in denial)
He never cared much for holidays like Christmas or Valentines
But now he wants to experience them, with you
He’s always thinking, plans and outcomes racing through his mind, what ifs and regrets
But like, if you ruffle his hair, his brain just stops.
Like no thoughts, he short circuits
When his brain returned to him the first time it happened he panicked
Like, who gave you that amount of control?
After that first time he continued to try and get you to do it without asking
He needed his brain to shut up every now and then, and now he has a reliable source
Anyways, he likes to be a spoiled princess
No one can change my mind
For all his predictions he will never be able to predict your love and kindness for him
CHUUYA
Someone give this poor man a hug
Ugh, my heart
I can‘t imagine him wanting to date a normal citizen, too much of a risk
So you’d probably have to work in the Mafia
Even then, dating you would still be placing a huge target on you
He would actually take you out on dates before asking you out
Dates with him would be romantic
Like dinner by candle light vibes
He’d be strategic on where you guys sit
No need to be precarious on what you order, it’s all on him
When he does ask you out he would be slightly flustered but it just makes him adorable
Say yes, he doesn’t deserve to be hurt any more
He would spoil you to no end
If you want it, you can have it
You’re the only one allowed to call him short
He might get flustered from PDA in the start but will gradually warm up to it
Nothing clingy, just hand holding, a hand around your waist, a quick kiss here or there
But if he sees some guy hitting on you?
Down right possessive, arm snug around your waist, shoulder to shoulder
And if he’s drunk? Even worse
Like he’s pulling you onto his lap just to make sure that asshole knows your taken
If you do work in the mafia with him, he likes going on easier missions with you
And while he knows that you can handle yourself just fine, he can’t help but imagine something bad happening to you when he isn’t there to save you
He’s lost too many people in his life, please, don’t leave him as well
He loves when you rest your head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat
And while you do that he’ll run his fingers through your hair
Chuuya loves to spoil you rotten as I stated, it’s his love language
So sometimes he’ll just hand you his black card and let you go shopping with friends or something
In fact, he encourages you to buy what you want
FYODOR
Honestly? Where do I start with him?
Like congratulations if you meet him and make it out alive
I don’t know if I should congratulate him taking an interest in you though
I feel like he believe that the interest he had in you was purely innocent curiosity
But I also don’t think he would try to delude himself for as long as Dazai does
Eventually he would notice that something was different about his interest for you than usual
And while he would hesitate to put a name to it so quickly he would eventually give in after realizing there was no stoping this feeling from festering in him
After coming to terms with his romantic? Feelings and interest in you he would definitely begin to manipulate you into feeling the same way for him
If you don’t already that is
If you don’t confess then he’ll definitely do the same thing Dazai did
And when you agree, he of course knew you would, he makes you move in with him
He can’t let his dearest other slip from his finger now can he?
I feel like before ever getting into a relationship, you would have been made aware of his ‘work’
Please, make sure the man eats
And takes his iron pill
Nikolai is getting a little tired of that daily routine despite how much he loves to be around Fyodor
Anyways, dates aren’t a very common thing in fact, very, very rare
I mean… what did you expect?
Man’s a literal terrorist
That being said, from time to time he’ll leave his ‘lair’ to spend time with you
If you ask, he’ll gladly play the cello for you
If he snaps at you for ‘bothering him with pointless things’ when you bring him his iron pill or food just listen
Don’t bother him with such things
And then same thing the next day
And after some 4 or 5 days he’ll stumble from his room
Staggering as he tries not to collapse or faint from both his lack of energy and his iron deficiency
And when he walks into the kitchen trying to get the iron pill bottle open?
Let him stumble his way over to you and ask for help before you finally do as such
And he realizes just how dependent on you he’s become
It’ll happen again eventually
But as of that moment, it’ll at least be awhile before the cycle repeats
(That last part of Fyodor’s was based upon some fanfic I read for him. I'm not sure who it was by, but I’ll tag it if and when I do find it.)
A/N: anyways, believe it or not, I love Chuuya just as much as I do Fyodor and Dazai
I’m just not as confident in his character. Since I’m a lot like Dazai, he comes easy to me and by substitute, Fyodor does as well
But Chuuya? Despite him being one of my 5 favorites along with Dazai and Fyodor, I just don’t resonate personally enough with him to write him really well
I've never felt more understood
y'know, one thing i don't see get talked about much in regards to asexuality is how it feels to never be 'sexually motivated' by anything
and not just when it comes to advertisements using 'sexy' models to try and sell you stuff, but like. in general
sex as a favor, sex as a bribe, sex in exchange for whatever
casual sex, 'friends with benefits' situations, even simple flirting
it all looks a whole lot different from the perspective of someone who's immune to manipulation via sex appeal, who has virtually no understanding as to why sex would motivate someone to cheat on their partner, etc. etc.
sex is worthless to me
i mean, it's useful as a story element in fiction, but it genuinely perplexes me that sex is such a driving force behind so many aspects of irl society & of people's individual lives, for better or for worse
and that it's so deeply ingrained into how the average person views the world & various situations, because the average person feels sexual attraction, whereas i do not
i think the barrier between aces & allos is actually even deeper than it seems on the surface at times, because it's more than just the grating expectation that everyone must want to 'settle down' and have kids, it's also the fact that the majority of the world is sort of 'in' on a joke that aces will never truly be a part of
So I was bored and made this
So yesterday I was recalling a fanfic that had the Hanahaki disease in it while listening to the song "Killing Butterflies" by Lewis Blisset and had the thought of: 'What if it was butterflies instead of flowers' and so now this exists.
Now I present to you: Midnight thoughts with BLANK
Fictional disease like the Hanahaki disease.
It's caused by a loss of love from a loved one(romantic love) like after a harsh breakup or intense argument. Instead of flowers its butterflies and they sprout(?) out of the infected face/body (usually face/ under eyes). The process of a butterfly leaving the body is slow (about 1 day) and so not that painful. The butterflies fly/stay around the infected until their death and then land on and around the body and die with them. The infected's hearing improves greatly, though this is more a curse than a blessing due to the constant flapping of the butterflies wings around them. Should the infected kill one of the butterfly while alive then another butterfly will sprout quickly (in seconds) to replace the dead one, this is painful due to the speed that it leaves the body. The butterflies are typically more on the red side but some are pink. The color of the butterflies is due to the fact that the butterflies are made of the infected's blood, meaning with every butterfly that sprouts the infected loses blood. The more butterflies there are the father along the disease is. The butterflies will continue to sprout until the infected dies, one of the only times a person can survive this is making up with their love. That being said the infected will probably not survive if they broke up. This disease only happens to those who still love their partner, so the other cure is the infected learning to move on. Although if it progresses for too long there is no reversing it. Its name?
Killing Butterflies
Sleeping is stupid.
I need to sleep but I sleep when the sleep is sleeping and idk where I’m going with this sentence I need to fucking slep..
SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK!!!!!!!! And imm weak
Im going to implode if I don’t sleeep. Good nigjht? More like GOOD RIDDANCEE
Things my classmates have said/ conversations that we have been a part of that I think would make really good incorrect quotes:
Person 1: “technically since I’m younger than you you’re assaulting a minor”
Person 2: “bro were BOTH minors!”
Person 3: “what do you mean you’re ‘ technically’ younger?”
Person 1: “well I’m MORE minor than you!!!”
Person 2: “I literally called you stupid that’s not ASSAULT “
Conversation #2
Person 1: “you know how (teacher 1) takes 5 days to grade assignments?”
Person 2: “yeah?”
Person 1: “(teacher 2) takes 30 minutes.”
Person 2: “WHAT?! I still have a 62 for an assignment I turned in three days ago!”
Person 3: “well if depends on whether (teacher 2) likes you or not
Person 4: why would (teacher 2) like person 1 more than person 2?”
Person 3: “she tried to cut a penny in half”
Person 1: “she tried to cut a penny in half”
Person 2: “ I tried to cut a penny in half.”
Ok I just found these funny and thought “hey what if I make incorrect quotes of my fav characters saying these!” But now after this I’m just burnt out for some reason so I’ll just tag my fandoms below and let other people’s imagination lead the way lol
Thanks for tagging me. It's fun when people include me in these sorts of things. A lot of stuff has happened.
Last Song: Ain't Worried by One Republic (not by choice. It was on the radio. Though I ain't gonna lie it gave me inspiring summer vibes...in August).
Last Show: Rewatched Kuroko no Basket. Lots of thoughts have emerged now that I've glanced into this fandom again. Good for KnB. Bad for other fandoms. Kinda cried about it.
Currently watching: My friend got me watching the Witcher. I have to close my eyes during nude scenes, but for the most part I like it.
Currently Reading: Put everything on pause and am reading Radio Silence by Alice Oseman. I beg everyone, read their writing. If you give a shit about LGBT issues, I suggest you read some actual representation and pick up one of their books.
Tagging (I'm picking at random. Sorry in advance. Don't have to do it if don't want): @pasta-monster-of-death @ami-box @demytasse @fuck-terfs-w-pussy @hihi-jets @jill-makes-art @kufuutarou12 @luciferianslewfoot @crystallilly1991
9 people I want to get to know better !!
got tagged by @evilkaeya!! thank you ♥️♥️♥️
last song: i love it loud by kiss (but ratt’s round and round has been in my head all day)
last show: stranger things ( it has my heart 🥰)
currently watching: I’m rewatching stranger things and crazy ex gf but I’m watching only murders in the building as it releases 🥰
currently reading: little women, heartstopper, rw&rb, henna wars, and a ridiculous amount of fic (yes that’s a lot but yes I’m having fun)
tagging 9 mutuals (seriously 0 pressure only do it if you want to ♥️ you all): @primeguardian @karenwheelerlegendbehaviour @hawkinsp0st @w1llb7ers @bylrlvr @chartreuse-goose @deanismysavior @gaysdontcry @midnightmoon27 & any other mutuals/followers who wanna do it ♥️
Its not 12 yet it can still be considered Earth Day
Ok i just quickly doodled this super late because i thought that I could finish thing this other thing and then do this but I couldn’t finish it and just moved on to this. I think I’ll try and at least clean line it and stuff and i had some headcanons I can share too
Erm...I shouldn't have even made this blog from the first place I have unfinished lessons, next final exams and unfinished requests (Jokes on yall half of em i didnt even think about to write)
Being logical and kind is both painful and refreshing—it stabs the heart when you deal with some kind of people but frees the soul. Life feels lighter when you choose wisdom over conflict. I love life. 💆🏻♀️
I want more mutuals guys, how do y’all make friends 😭
AAAAAAAAAA MY MOM IS GONNA SIGN ME IN AN GUITAR COURSE YEA BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII FUCK MY OLD DANCING COURSE IMMA BE DOING GUITAR
Ostrich meme 2