Chuuya Angst - Blog Posts

verlaineszz

9 months ago

✮⋆˙ THE ONLY EXCEPTION.

𓂃 ࣪˖ ཐིཋྀ LIFE EMBODIMENT! Dazai!

X DEATH EMBODIMENT! Chuuya!

⁺‧₊˚ ཐིཋྀ ˚— SUMMARY: Everything was the same for the two bodies, one had a curse of living and the other had the curse of death.

Every reincarnation of chuuya was him losing his loved ones then hisself, and on dazais side of the story, he does not reincarnate. He rots in the boundaries of living trying to fill the gaping hole in his chest but everytime he gets close to another human being, they face misfortune that does not include death.

It is bad both ways. The people around dazai gets corrupted by the living and chuuyas dies on his hands.

𓂃 ࣪˖ ཐིཋྀ — ANGST + FLUFF (?) + ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

A/N: can you guys tell i dont know how to get more color fonts in tumblr? I genuinely don't know how people get grey or pastel colored texts..(－‸ ლ) also the title is from the song, "the only exception" by paramore! Anyways, enjoy the soukoku — <3

Extra note! : i decided not to write what i usually write, gothic romance.. But you never know🙏

(i also just broke my leg and English isn't my first language so please excuse my grammer..)

also NOT!! PROOFREAD.

—˚₊‧⁺⋆ WARNINGS! : Blood, Death, Swearing, Alcohol

Most people that lives in the world believes that reincarnations did not exist, but chuuya did. He believed it since he has experienced it himself, in every universe he was always reincarnating as his self but in different universes with different outcomes. And every outcome was never good, he always had to lose somebody or himself, in every universe he loses somebody, it was either the flags, the sheep, dazai or more..in every universe someone is always dying. And that someone is someone he cares about.

Reincarnation after reincarnation, his memory was still there.. The memory of his past lives, he lost hope that he truly did not wanted to get close with anyone again. Everytime chuuya died, He wished that he would finally reincarnate in a universe that he belonged in.

Every waking day of his life felt like dread but he tries to make the best out of it, his personality never changes. He was still the sarcastic guy he is, but just more distant..

Another stake to his heart and caskets were served once again, this was the end of chuuyas other life. And he will reincarnate into another one once again, it was a never ending agonizing cycle.

As he reincarnates all over again, same story same everything. He escapes the lab through his brother verlaine, joins the sheep then join the port mafia. Chuuya avoided mostly everyone though, not getting too close with anyone as always. But as he met dazais snarky face again, he felt the same as others. Someway somehow he knew that dazai would die due to him but he ignored it.

"Ugh. Do i really have to work with this kid?" Dazai says while rolling his eyes

"who the hell are ya callin' a kid?"

✮₊⊹₊⋆ ☠︎︎ ⋆₊ ⊹✮

Mission after mission, dazai and chuuya spend their time together, dazai wanted to learn more about chuuya, in his eyes, chuuya was more human than he could ever be. He was drawn to his aura and how perceptive chuuya was. (due to how many times he has reincarnated.)

Chuuya was drawn to dazai as well since he seemed like he had no affect on chuuyas 2nd ability, which was being the embodiment of death. Dazai was alive and all teasing as always that chuuya missed the feeling of spending time with someone.. Even though it was dazai, the person that made his head hot, he found comfort in the way dazai was.

Years passes by, they both found comfort in eachother, within each banter was a hint of care, and dazai found something to live for.. For atleast a certain period of time. And it was chuuya, chuuya was unreadable to him, chuuya was like an anomaly, something extraterrestrial. Which made dazai want chuuya more, he wanted to live for chuuya and for chuuya specifically.

The two of them just had a connection in this universe thay chuuya couldn't decipher, why? Dazai was the only person that believed that he was human, that mattered to him alot.

The both of them currently just finished a mission and they both just sit down on a field of grass, talking and just bullying each other as always.

"Don't talk crap about my height when im still growin' jackass." chuuya snarked back at dazais comments about his height.

"And when will that magically happen?" dazai chuckled, chuuya glares at him and sighs and mutters out — "soon. I swear."

Dazai smirks and moves closer to chuuya, his face close chuuyas, chuuya just glares at him with a faint pink tint on the ends of his ears.

"you know, you're very hot headed and weird."

"what the hell does that mean?!" chuuya asks in an offended way.

"But that's what makes me love you." dazai smiles softly at chuuya before pulling away.

Chuuya looks at him with a raised brow and replies back, "ew, that's gross man!"

Dazai laughs back at his reaction. The reaction that he seemed to feel weird towards to. The feeling that bubbles up in his stomach that he found uncomfortable but exciting, chuuya had always standed out of the rest that dazai knew that he was— The only exception.

⋆｡‧₊°♱༺𓆩❦︎𓆪༻♱༉‧₊˚.

Chuuya and dazai balanced out eachother perfectly, they matched eachothers personality in an unexpected way. And thats why they're always hanging out after missions.

Chuuya bought some ice cream for the both of them, they played some arcade games and then went on a walk in the forests of yokohama.

Dazai stared at chuuya the whole time as they ate their ice cream. Dazai had the same feeling again, something bubbling up in his stomach. He wasn't sure of the feeling since he has never quite experienced it before but as he thinks about the last "dates" him and chuuya have been going on, it hit him. He has a fucking crush on the chuuya nakahara..but it wasn't a biggie for him, he did confess that he loved him from the start.. But he wanted him madly. A graze of chuuyas hand already sent him to the moon...

Chuuya looks at dazai and catches him staring, dazai locks eyes with him and smiles warmly while eating the ice cream. Chuuya felt warm.. Like it was the first time he has ever experienced life, dazai had no effects of chuuya and neither did chuuya to dazais.

The more and more time passes by, the more desperate they got. Chuuya felt more attracted to dazais demeanor and dazai felt more attracted to chuuyas mannerism.

There was just something that made dazai lose his breath from chuuya, to his way of combat and to the way he even replies back to banter, dazai felt more intrigued.. From the way chuuya patches dazai up with soft and gentle touches and the eye contact they always gave each other.. Drove dazai insane.

Everything felt out of hand for the both of them, dazai was smitten and chuuya was embarrassed, they both swore it was just a crush and they were both indenial about it.

Chuuya has lived through many universes but in this one.. In this one he felt something. No body was dying when dazai was around, and chuuya wanted to keep it that way.

In dazais case, he felt like something was wromg with him, like he was just alone with nobody understanding him like the way he understood people. He saw death as just an extension of life and that's why he wanted to die so badly, because he could not just die through natural causes, but as many times he tried to die, he couldn't.

One day, chuuya wanted to reject the feeling that was lingering in him, the feeling of wanting dazai. And that was the worse decision of his life. He decided to distance hisself away from dazai that dazai got curious.. "did i do something to piss him off? Why is he just randomly ignoring me?.." dazai thought.

As time distanced the two, everything went back to normal, chuuya wanted to protect dazai by just distancing himself from him, chuuya knew that his deathly quirk wouldn't hurt dazai but he was still wary. The both of them slowly lost connections that led to dazai leaving the port mafia and bombing chuuyas car— "god damnit. Ugh.. great."

As the two distance theirselves, chuuya tries to take another shot in getting close to people even though he knew the consequences but still.. Cadavers scattered his soul.

Distance took a toll on dazai, he felt connected to chuuya like he was his soulmate, they were one soul in 2 different bodies, that which made the both of them somewhat connected.

Years and years passes by and melancholy filled the hearts of both of the 2 men, dazai had already tried to commit suicide numerous times.. And time after time.. It finally worked.

His body was found floating unconscious in a deep lake, bricks and his wallet was found in his coats pocket. The police investigates the scene and this eventually reaches chuuya, his heart stopped at the news, dazai was the only person he cared about during the time.

His eyes were wide as he gets the news from a phone call through his akutagawa and he clenches his fist, "i.. I understand.. Yes."

"a picture of you was found in his wallet.." akutagawa mentions before chuuya hangs up. he felt numb. he wanted to scream since thats how he expresses pain but he couldn't. He already knew the feeling of losing who he cares about, why does he feel so Different?

He covers his mouth and a cold sweat dripped down his back, he felt regret. He should've never distanced hisself fron dazai, he wished he could've atleast confessed his feelings. The only person who stayed alive with him that he cared about died because he thought distancing hisself would do any good.

He would never forgive himself, but in every universe, he forgave dazai.. Since he was the only exception.

BONUS! :: a bouquet was in chuuyas arms as he walks aroumd the graveyard, visiting the grave of an old friend. Dazai osamus. He leans down and offers the bouquet of flowers, sitting down with his hand in his coats pocket, he stares at dazais name and he smiles softly and chuckles, "you know.. I take back what i said.. I didn't mean it. I swear. I love you too, samu."

He says as he takes out a pistol out of the pocket of his coat, "i hope i meet ya again, i swear i'll treasure you more." he says as he points the pistol to his head and pulling the trigger.

||TAGS:

let the light in ; chuuya nakahara

chuuya x gn! reader

author's note: i got a hang of tumblr formatting??? kinda??? i will make a master list soon. i hope this isn't too ooc. read on ao3 here!!

warnings: none, just fluff and mild angst at some points! i'msonormalaboutchuuyaiswear

“Come on, let me in.”

The soft voice at his door catches the young executive’s attention. Before Chuuya gets up from the couch and puts down his glass of vintage red on the coffee table, he’s already braced himself for hearing whatever inane reason you'd be at his door this late. He’s managed to successfully ignore all your calls and texts like he usually does, but it certainly doesn't fool you. Because you can’t sleep and neither can he. Once again, he realizes the futility of his efforts to keep you away.

Truth be told, you weren't a bad person. You didn't invoke his temper as easily or as often as other people did, and you were capable when you worked alongside him. There was an ease of being about you; something that he could eventually catch himself falling into time to time. You wear at him like a harsh current does to a rock by the side of a river. The veneer of nonchalance chips away more and more the longer he allows himself this companionship. And he's aware of this weakness; it feels so out of place when he is usually so assured. But no gravity manipulation can make this heart lighter.

Not when your face reminds Chuuya of a life he's already left behind. You were there when he spilled his first blood, you are here now, and he cannot find it in himself to push you out completely. As much as he likes to think he's above these sentimentalities, nostalgia still finds a victim in him; wrapping itself around his mind in his unsuspecting moments till he could no longer discern between himself of the past and him now. You make the poor guy feel the burden of his past failures too often.

Feel too much, too, for that matter.

You try with such enthusiasm, too. Despite the fact that over the six…or was it seven years, his life and yours have been turned upside down and inside out. There are some people who feel like they have been frozen in time somehow. With you, he feels like he can stave off the rot of his current life just for a little bit. A dangerous thought. He wants to stick a knife in your neck sometimes. Would that make him stop thinking so much? Or would his past still trail him around in the form of your memory?

It's a quarter to one now.

The door unlocks.

“What is it now?” This annoyed tone sounds forced out of his mouth. Strange, he never had any issues with it until you come into the room.

“I couldn't sleep!”

“Clearly.”

“You know what? We should go out for a drive, Chuuya, it's the perfect time!”

“Like, right now?”

“Yeah.”

“…You're serious?”

“Are you coming or not? Quick, I don't have the time!”

It's a good thing that he isn't completely buzzed from the wine he was drinking yet, because your request leaves no room for disagreement, even if it’s a question. An exasperated sigh leaves his lips, a muttered curse following soon after. “Fine! But I’m in charge of the music.” It makes no difference, most of the good songs he knows were your favorites at some point of time. You held him down and made him listen, and as much as he acted like he loathed the whole ordeal, the tunes wouldn't leave his thoughts be no mater what. He picks up the car keys off the table, not bothering to pick up anything else save for his hat.

This had become something of a routine. You would always bother him at odd hours, though you were a rare sight at daytime, doing god knows what. The redness in the whites of your eyes, and the way you would rub at them every now and then indicated that you were exhausted, yet you insisted on these outings. It was the typical condition that came with their work; he was no stranger to sleepless nights himself. But with you, he finds himself actually concerned. The exceptions he makes for you feel unreasonable. The effect you had on him was just as confusing. Chuuya wonders if you just do that to him or if everyone is subject to the mental damage you cause him just by being around him.

Consciously, he knew there was no use dwelling on these thoughts. For the better or worse, your lives were fundamentally intertwined. Not by narrative choice, but by sheer persistence. He remembers what you said to him once. When he asked you why you were coming along with him, you only said, “because I’ll go wherever you go, obviously.” You refused to elaborate when he asked you to explain why. You acted as if this was an objective truth, like it was the natural state of things. As if in every scenario possible, you would've done the same thing. He called you an idiot for it, still thinks you are. Because Chuuya cannot understand why you stick by him, or more importantly, why he allows you to.

Even then, he has to reluctantly admit to himself that he’s glad for it. You remind him of his past failures and naïveté, but you also remind him of the concept of home. The last tether to his past is you, and he wouldn't allow anyone to sever that imaginary cord. Despite how much he hates it, you still hold a part of him he would have otherwise lost touch of. The pain felt easier to get through when it was shared. Maybe this was just what friendship was. It was elusive to obtain, but once you have it; whether by accident or on purpose, you have to cope with it for the rest of time.

You walk ahead of him, and he keeps up with your pace. Unlike him, you were aware of how you felt on a level that was nearly painful; instead of fuzzy, bittersweet feelings of nostalgia, you felt the lashes of time and it’s wear with pointed certainty. You were your own witness to the degradation of your morality and soul. You felt it chip away piece by piece, and saw the wear in the mirror. An experience that broke you from inside out, creating a new person out of the debris.

You hold onto the remains of a past you can't remember, and in this folly you have ruined yourself chasing something that had never existed. But perhaps that was the reason why you didn't let go of Chuuya in particular. He was tangible, within your grasp; not necessarily a constant, but by your own design you've made him one. You've made out of him a friend you trusted with your life, and that trust shows in every action, every laughter, everytime you show up at his door at some weird hour of the night. You know it annoys him, but he lets you. In a strange way, you test him again and again just for the sheer satisfaction of being assured that yes, he wouldn't turn you away.

The walk to the car was fairly short. He got in the driver’s seat, waiting for you to follow suit and started up the ignition. The port town was especially beautiful at midnight, the late night lights of the wharf reflecting in the distant ocean. The sky is dark with no sign of light, all veiled by the smoke that lingers in city skies. All the stars that were meant to exist in the sky were here on the ground, in the lights of offices working late or streetlights flickering for the convenience of nightwalkers.

“Are you really gonna play that? Eh…”

“Hey! It's a good song, okay?!?”

“Debatable.”

“You’re literally the one who made me listen to it!”

“Did I really, though?”

“You-”

“Shut up! I think I just saw an ice cream place a little further up.”

After an excruciatingly long wait of watching you pick an ice cream out of the array of colors, you both were finally out in the open air again. The cold air pricks like needles. It wasn't even the weather for ice cream, but your habits were incorrigible as always. When you inevitably start sniffling, he could only manage a pointed comment about how you never learn. He would've given his hat to you if you asked. It's frustrating that you never do. Things never go the way they play in his head, and it infuriates him. The ride to home feels infinitely long. Taking the highway was an unnecessarily long route, and yet it was the one he took everytime whenever he was driving with you.

When you both get back home, he's hit by that strange spell again. A lack of thoughts and a tongue restless for words, checked by his dry throat. For whenever the air isn't filled with senseless chatter, gunshots or music, that is when he feels truly weak in front of you. The comfort of being around you shifts to something uncertain and bitter in the early morning hours. When you ask to stay the night like the usual, he can no longer find the strength to refuse. It was clear that no matter what the both of you did, at the end of the day, what waits for him is a helplessness so foreign to him even with his frequent encounters with it.

The weariness is built into their bones, and by the end of the day when they both are tired of this endless charade, you both end up in the same place as always, hopelessly entangled in each other’s lives. Perhaps on another night when you cannot sleep and come to seek him, he will let himself get willingly caught and put an end to this chase. Pushing away the curtain, letting the light in, and look to find you there where he left you.