I Still Fake My Smiles, But Around You I Feel As If I Don’t Need To.

I can't remember when there was a time where I could say that I was fine with out lying. Nothing seems to motivate me besides failure, and nothing will get me to state how I feel. Because I'd rather waste away like this rather than let you worry about if I'm alright.

I'm just not fine.

You help me see the world in color.

Before, it was all black and white

How do I get you to notice me and my feelings? How do I get you to see how hard I've fallen? And how in the hell will I know if you've fallen just as hard for me if you do everything you can to conceal it?

When you say we aren't friends while smiling. I know you're lying

Your touch is like electricity on my skin. I jolt at the feeling of your hand on my back. It makes me feel both safe and completely vulnerable at the same time, and I crave it when we are together.

You are my drug

Dear Expectations, You are always there when I need you the least. You make a simple task feel immensely impossible. You run my fingers raw while writing a paper, my mind to exhaustion to be absolute perfection, and my body to sleep deprivation in search of a grade no less than what I need to pass. In the search of a way around you, I stand in your shadow, unable to overtake the panic that you make arise in my chest, the pounding that never ceases until after the deadline has passed or my grade sealed in the grave that you have been helping me dig. your shadow isn't big enough to keep me inside, it is not bog enough to harbor the panic and the anxiety that you bring with you wherever you go. Following you like two hungry watch dogs, waiting for me to fall to the ground, to feast upon what is left.  While you are there to bring me up when I have to do my best, you bring an illusion of a silver lining making this seem worth it in the slightest sense. For the reward of praise is too much to ask from you when all you deal in deceit and terror.

With no love

Look at me! I’m the strongest in the sea. My lungs take in the water like it’s air and send it out with great flair. Look at me! I’m humble like the earth, my arms stretch out to hug the masses as my heart burns what’s left of ashes. Look at me! I’m fluid like the air, moving about without a care, letting those who wrong me pass me by until I’m left alone to die. Look at me. I’m alone like fire. Don’t get too close, I’m a broken wire, threatening to burn and combust into nothing. Look at me. My humble trying and desperate crying did nothing to appease those demons. My heart was burned and left to nothing as I sit here in solemn quiet. Look at me.

Look at what I’ve done

You told me you liked magic, I like magic too. I love the targeted deception, almost like feelings, but with a fire pit inside. Like how your touch is like the trick I pull when I say 'pick a card'. How your breath against my skin is nothing more than an illusionist's touch on their own special segment. You told me you liked magic. Little did I know your favorite trick was the disappearing act.

Now You Don't

All of the sad songs make me think of you. But that's a part of all break ups. And even when I think I'm over you I hear that one song and all the feelings come back. And then I'm at square one all over again. It's such a vicious cycle that I was pulled into and can't seem to pull myself out of.

- I haven't cried... Yet

In the blink of an eye I could lose you. I hope and pray that I won’t, but those eyes and that personality will get you so many girls. So many girls that can give you the love that I can’t. Even though I can’t influence your feelings towards me, I want to stay close. Because to me, being too close is better than watching you slip right through my fingers into another girl’s arms.

What I've realized when I was at your house

Maybe it was just the lighting with the trees and the half hidden sun, but I swear, you are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. And you wanted to sit next to me. Unbelievable.

Inside the Artist #3