So Nobody Said Anything Funny Today, But I Just Witnessed Two Guys Pick Up A Bench And Attempt To Walk

“Have you got any friends and family?”

-My teacher, to the same student she implied had a small penis

“Why does February have, like, no days??”

-Someone I used to think was smart

“Chicken groin.”

-My grandma, meaning chicken thigh

"I'm trying to listen to a dwarvern shanty here, pal!"

“There’s definitely a small banana joke in there somewhere...”

-My teacher, to a student, after she explained how we’d be putting condoms on bananas and he said he might as well put it on the real thing

"Tax fraud isn't fun anymore."

"I hate it when people find my corpse..."

He ate his friend. He ate his fucking friend

Convesation between my mum and brother

Brother: He was in the way so we killed him

Mum: You killed your friend in his sleep?

B: It gets worse…

M: …

B: …

M: …

B: We skinned him.

M: …

B: We needed the leather!

“Every part of me is lesbian.”

“Apart from your boyfriend.”

“That’s a pretty gender neutral way of killing someone!”

-Me, not making nearly as much sense without context