"I'm Trying To Listen To A Dwarvern Shanty Here, Pal!"

"We called him sparky because he looked like a horse!"

“You’re the kind of person who invades a medieval castle in the winter.”

-My brother

“When I get to Hell, Satan will throw a ball at me.”

-Me, explaining how much I hate PE

“I refuse to get this philosophical over Pingu.”

That’s the culprit

“MEEEOOOWWWW!”

-My cat. Loudly. In my face. At 3am. Every night.

“That’s a Cavendish banana, you shithead.”

-me, to one of my closest friends

There is literally no difference between 4 and 3. You stop these lies

“That’s a pretty gender neutral way of killing someone!”

-Me, not making nearly as much sense without context

"Like, which part of this clusterfuck specifically?"

"I'm not gonna finish that sentence for legal reasons."