Something Happened Today

I need you to understand this, she says.

I need you to understand that I can't keep repeating myself.

One day I'll snap.

That day might never come

But I still need you to understand this, she says.

I hated myself a little more than before

I didn't even know that was possible.

"You've gone and done it now, you idiot"

"You asked for too much again", the voice in my head mocks.

I'm scared you'll leave me like everyone else.

I'm scared you'll see me the way I see myself.

I need you to understand that this fear has me in a chokehold.

I need you to understand that it's not easy letting go.

So I'm sorry if I apologize one too many times.

I'm sorry if I don't see my own worth.

I'm sorry I don't believe I'm a worthy existence .

I've been told so by too many people I held dear,

That these words in my mind have been forever seared.

-scaredofmyvoice

Help me, I say

Help me Help me help me please

All as I'm holding on to the doorhandle,

No chance for anybody to see me, to hear me

No chance to see the pain I'm in.

Help me someone help me please

I don't know what is wrong, I scream

I'm loosing my mind and I'm so scared

I'm trying so hard why can't you see?

Help me help me help me please

But maybe it is me who draws the line

Maybe it is me who holds the door closed

I scream for help but also refuse to get close

I put my best face out for the world to see

No one can know, no one should notice.

Why I do this I don't know

Maybe I'm scared of being known.

-scaredofmyvoice

How can I not fall for you when you make my heart skip a beat

You hold my leg when you see me shake them

You ask me if I got eight hours of sleep or ten.

You pat my head everytime I do something that scares me

You stay up comforting me on my bad days even if it's as late as three.

How can I not fall for you when you treat me so gently

You know when I need space but still worry and watch over me silently.

You hold my hand every time I flinch because someone's loud

You cradle the hurt and scared child in me and tell her she's loved.

You get upset for me and snap at people who bring me to tears

You say "hey it's okay, you got this" and make me face my fears.

You make me believe I'm someone lovable, someone worth fighting for

But above all you gently making your way into my heart

And looking at me for who I am,

Makes me want to know myself more.

-scaredofmyvoice

You might think I'm stupid and dumb

Because instead of trying to move on

I'm looking for ways to deepen our bond.

You might think I'm a little insane when I say,

That all I want

Is her in my life.

It didn't matter if we'd never date.

It didn't matter if she'd never love me the same way I love her.

Because even if as a friend I can stay,

I know I'd take it anyday.

You might think I'm foolish.

You might think I'm weak.

But I'd rather spend every waking minute loving till my heart stops it beat.

-scaredofmyvoice

I'm used to walking behind people,

When the sidewalk's too small for us all.

I'm used to walking behind people,

I now do it all the time without a single thought at all.

If I walk behind them, I won't loose sight of them

If I walk behind them, I wont be abandoned then.

Because all I have to do is keep up my pace

Because all I have to see are footprints to trace.

I feel awkward when I'm in front of them

I feel out of place when I walk side by side

I feel lonely when I hear conversations behind me

I feel nervous when either side I see their eyes on me, keen.

But if I'm behind, people don't usually mind.

This is why I don't know how to react

Now that she stops and pulls me to walk with her.

This is why I feel guilty and undeserving

When she gets behind me to walk,

When the sidewalk's a narrow slot.

That shouldn't be done by someone like you, i think

You should be in the front laughing and talking.

Tagging along, trying to piece together what the rest are saying at a distance,

That should be done by someone like me.

-scaredofmyvoice

I knew I loved you way more than a friend should

I knew I loved you and I would have stopped if I could.

I knew I loved you when my head went blank when you were too close

I knew I loved you when you hugged me and I thought my heart would explode.

I knew I loved you when I found myself keeping a note of things you like and don't.

I knew I loved you when I realized I wouldn't do things you disliked, I won't.

I knew i Ioved you when I answered your every text in seconds when it took you hours

I knew I loved you when to you I freely spoke about my scars.

I knew I loved you when I found myself getting lost staring at you from afar.

I knew I loved you months ago and I know I denied it too.

I know I love you

And I'm not sure what to do.

It's too hard for me to let go of you.

-scaredofmyvoice

I found myself keeping a note of things you like and don't.

I filled it up with every bit of information I knew

As if my mind wasn't already full of you.

I filled it up because I didn't want to forget even a single piece of you.

The fact that you like the moon and that your favorite colour is blue .

The fact that you're scared of spiders and what wish you'd pray would come true.

The fact that when you're happy your eyes sparkle and your cheeks have a baby pink hue.

The fact that you love kids and are good with them too.

After these little facts about you,

I write about things I could give you to make you happy

I write about how I could learn to play your favorite song,

Even though I haven't touched a keyboard in years.

I write about how I could sew you a doll,

Even though I've never once sewed before

Its just that if I could put a smile on your face,

I'd do anything and everything I ever could.

-scaredofmyvoice

I meet my friends, I laugh, I cry

Well, I think, it's not so bad being alive.

We hug eachother and say goodbye

With a promise to meet again held in each of our eyes.

I wave as I watch them leave, smile lingering just a second longer

My chest is so full of love yet I've never felt calmer.

If only I could keep feeling this way

I know I wouldn't want to run so far away

To a place I hope no one I love walks into

Untill they're old and grey.

-scaredofmyvoice

All this pain is making it hard to breathe

All this pain is slowly killing me.

All this pain I wish that it would stop

All this pain that I know is really just love.

Love, with no place to go.

Love, that wants to scream no.

No I don't want you to leave.

No, infact, I just want you with me.

No I don't want the future to come

No because I know with me you'll be done.

It hurts.

It hurts so much

But if I can stay by your side,

My heart to bear the pain I'd train.

-scaredofmyvoice

I know you to be so kind,

But why not to yourself.

I know you to be so patient,

But why not with yourself.

I know you give second chances

Saying you'll trust and face the consequences

Rather than doubting and regretting

About what might have been.

I know you to be so helpful

I know you to be so forgiving

But sweet , sweet child when it comes to you,

Why are your feelings so unnerving.

Why do you hate yourself so loudly

When you're someone so sweet

Who wears their heart on their sleeves proudly

And smiles at everyone they meet.

Why do you think you're undeserving

Of love , of kindness and of everything you give

Who said you only deserve pain and agony?

Whoever said that , lied to you.

You're someone who deserves kindness too

And no greater kindness can come from someone other than you.

-scaredofmyvoice