I Found Myself Keeping A Note Of Things You Like And Don't.

I knew I loved you way more than a friend should

I knew I loved you and I would have stopped if I could.

I knew I loved you when my head went blank when you were too close

I knew I loved you when you hugged me and I thought my heart would explode.

I knew I loved you when I found myself keeping a note of things you like and don't.

I knew I loved you when I realized I wouldn't do things you disliked, I won't.

I knew i Ioved you when I answered your every text in seconds when it took you hours

I knew I loved you when to you I freely spoke about my scars.

I knew I loved you when I found myself getting lost staring at you from afar.

I knew I loved you months ago and I know I denied it too.

I know I love you

And I'm not sure what to do.

It's too hard for me to let go of you.

-scaredofmyvoice

People buzz around me memorizing words on paper.

People stress around me telling me they'll check on me later

Because what could possibly be more important than studying for your finals

Surely it's more important, even if you think you're going to fall off the deep end.

They cast glances my way when they see me not studying

They throws words that say, "Hey you'll regret it by morning."

How do I tell them I couldn't care less

When I don't know if I'll be there by then because my mind's a mess.

What's a little losing your mind when in a few hours you've got a statistics test!

-scaredofmyvoice

Help me, I say

Help me Help me help me please

All as I'm holding on to the doorhandle,

No chance for anybody to see me, to hear me

No chance to see the pain I'm in.

Help me someone help me please

I don't know what is wrong, I scream

I'm loosing my mind and I'm so scared

I'm trying so hard why can't you see?

Help me help me help me please

But maybe it is me who draws the line

Maybe it is me who holds the door closed

I scream for help but also refuse to get close

I put my best face out for the world to see

No one can know, no one should notice.

Why I do this I don't know

Maybe I'm scared of being known.

-scaredofmyvoice

She taught me how to read

She taught me how to write

She even taught me how to ride a bike.

She taught me how to sing, a boomerang to fling

Hell, she even taught me how to draw an eyeliner wing.

To skip, to hop, to cook, to clean

Everything she taught, she made sure was heard and seen.

She taught me many things for which I'm grateful for

She taught me many things but I wish she'd taught me more.

Like how to clear my head when my thoughts are too loud

Or how to push through a day when my limbs are too heavy.

How to move on when my life comes crashing down

How to stop wearing my loneliness like a crown.

I'll figure these out on my own

I'll learn how and these skills I'll hone

So all I ask you is for you to teach me one thing

Come back and teach me how to be okay

With you being gone.

Please give me a reason to stay.

-scaredofmyvoice

I know you to be so kind,

But why not to yourself.

I know you to be so patient,

But why not with yourself.

I know you give second chances

Saying you'll trust and face the consequences

Rather than doubting and regretting

About what might have been.

I know you to be so helpful

I know you to be so forgiving

But sweet , sweet child when it comes to you,

Why are your feelings so unnerving.

Why do you hate yourself so loudly

When you're someone so sweet

Who wears their heart on their sleeves proudly

And smiles at everyone they meet.

Why do you think you're undeserving

Of love , of kindness and of everything you give

Who said you only deserve pain and agony?

Whoever said that , lied to you.

You're someone who deserves kindness too

And no greater kindness can come from someone other than you.

-scaredofmyvoice

Something happened today

Something that made me think.

We went to get food, my friends and I

We went to get food delighted and waiting to buy.

One step closer i get nervous,

Do i really have to eat?

Another step closer,

My heart starts pumping with quickened beats.

We get the food, my friends and I,

One big plate to share amongst us three.

They each grab a spoon and give one to me

They each have a bite and look at me,

Waiting to see if I liked the taste.

Was it always this scary to eat?

Was i always so afraid of their eyes on me?

No, thats not true.

But then whats wrong?

Why can't i eat even though it's what i want?

I stand there awkwardly trying to get a spoonfull

I stand there awkwardly hoping to run away if i could.

In the end I said I didn't want to eat and smiled

In the end , even though I didnt want to I lied.

I thought about it all the way home

And then i thought about it some more.

It makes me sad because I wanted to eat

It makes me mad because I held myself back.

I wanted to be like them when their eyes sparkled at the taste

I wanted to be like them when they ate each bite with no shame on their face.

Im always so ashamed to eat

Even though its a basic need

Im always so ashamed they'd see

And so i hide away behind smiles and a mumbled "Its okay I'm fine"

Something happened today,

Something that made me blink

At the absurdity of my own mind

For making me feel such shame

Over something so small,

Like having a bite.

-scaredofmyvoice

I usually wait till I have atleast a few poems written before I post but this has been on my mind for hours now and I just wanted to let it out.

It's been a rough day guys :<

I know it's true.

I ask for reassurance a lot more than others do

Because no matter how much I get

The voice in my head goes "They're lying, I bet"

It laughs, it mocks, it jeers at my pain

"Silly little girl who would even love you", it asks.

"Silly little girl you're such a burden", it laughs.

Just be quiet and pretend you're fine.

Who would even want to know that you're having a hard time

It taunts me all day with such cold cruel words

I find myself believing them

And in despair and agony i dwell.

So tell me in the end

Is it really wrong of me

To want others to give me what I desperately need.

To want them to see my flaws and love me nonetheless .

You need to love yourself first, I hear people say.

I'm not saying that I'll never love myself

I'm learning and while I do,

Can't I ask that you love me too?

-scaredofmyvoice

I think I love her

I know it's doomed.

I think I love her

And I don't know what to do.

I think I love her

She makes me feel alive.

I think I love her

It hurts so much I cry.

I know I love her

I know it will not work.

I know I love her

I know I'm going to get more hurt.

I know there's not enough time

I know at this point I'm standing on a thin thin line.

But what do I do when I can't let go

What do I do when all I want is just her close.

I know I love her, I always did

But I'm way too scared of loosing her.

-scaredofmyvoice

I need you to understand this, she says.

I need you to understand that I can't keep repeating myself.

One day I'll snap.

That day might never come

But I still need you to understand this, she says.

I hated myself a little more than before

I didn't even know that was possible.

"You've gone and done it now, you idiot"

"You asked for too much again", the voice in my head mocks.

I'm scared you'll leave me like everyone else.

I'm scared you'll see me the way I see myself.

I need you to understand that this fear has me in a chokehold.

I need you to understand that it's not easy letting go.

So I'm sorry if I apologize one too many times.

I'm sorry if I don't see my own worth.

I'm sorry I don't believe I'm a worthy existence .

I've been told so by too many people I held dear,

That these words in my mind have been forever seared.

-scaredofmyvoice

All this pain is making it hard to breathe

All this pain is slowly killing me.

All this pain I wish that it would stop

All this pain that I know is really just love.

Love, with no place to go.

Love, that wants to scream no.

No I don't want you to leave.

No, infact, I just want you with me.

No I don't want the future to come

No because I know with me you'll be done.

It hurts.

It hurts so much

But if I can stay by your side,

My heart to bear the pain I'd train.

-scaredofmyvoice