All This Pain Is Making It Hard To Breathe

I know it's true.

I ask for reassurance a lot more than others do

Because no matter how much I get

The voice in my head goes "They're lying, I bet"

It laughs, it mocks, it jeers at my pain

"Silly little girl who would even love you", it asks.

"Silly little girl you're such a burden", it laughs.

Just be quiet and pretend you're fine.

Who would even want to know that you're having a hard time

It taunts me all day with such cold cruel words

I find myself believing them

And in despair and agony i dwell.

So tell me in the end

Is it really wrong of me

To want others to give me what I desperately need.

To want them to see my flaws and love me nonetheless .

You need to love yourself first, I hear people say.

I'm not saying that I'll never love myself

I'm learning and while I do,

Can't I ask that you love me too?

-scaredofmyvoice

Grasping ropes that were rotten and on fire

Grasping ropes as I tried to pull myself higher

Away from the water that rises at a speed I can't control

Away from the water that threatens to engulf me cold.

Maybe this is why I sought after ways

To find any sort of control

When I ate, slept and how much pain I felt

For all my bad decisions, my body went through hell.

I'm sick and tired and scared of myself at times

The world gets hazy and I can't breathe well

Someone please, save me from myself.

I'm sick and tired of looking at my arm and only seeing lines.

Filled with guilt and a terrible sense of shame

Filled with fear but I asked for help anyway.

No one's coming I've got to save myself

All I've got is me, in sickness and in health.

So I cradle my heavy heart in my arms

And tell someone I trust, that to myself I bring harm.

"I need help", these words I choked out finally

One big step towards a better rope at the end

I'm slowly making my way towards it,

Are you proud of me yet?

-scaredofmyvoice

I knew I loved you way more than a friend should

I knew I loved you and I would have stopped if I could.

I knew I loved you when my head went blank when you were too close

I knew I loved you when you hugged me and I thought my heart would explode.

I knew I loved you when I found myself keeping a note of things you like and don't.

I knew I loved you when I realized I wouldn't do things you disliked, I won't.

I knew i Ioved you when I answered your every text in seconds when it took you hours

I knew I loved you when to you I freely spoke about my scars.

I knew I loved you when I found myself getting lost staring at you from afar.

I knew I loved you months ago and I know I denied it too.

I know I love you

And I'm not sure what to do.

It's too hard for me to let go of you.

-scaredofmyvoice

People buzz around me memorizing words on paper.

People stress around me telling me they'll check on me later

Because what could possibly be more important than studying for your finals

Surely it's more important, even if you think you're going to fall off the deep end.

They cast glances my way when they see me not studying

They throws words that say, "Hey you'll regret it by morning."

How do I tell them I couldn't care less

When I don't know if I'll be there by then because my mind's a mess.

What's a little losing your mind when in a few hours you've got a statistics test!

-scaredofmyvoice

How can I not fall for you when you make my heart skip a beat

You hold my leg when you see me shake them

You ask me if I got eight hours of sleep or ten.

You pat my head everytime I do something that scares me

You stay up comforting me on my bad days even if it's as late as three.

How can I not fall for you when you treat me so gently

You know when I need space but still worry and watch over me silently.

You hold my hand every time I flinch because someone's loud

You cradle the hurt and scared child in me and tell her she's loved.

You get upset for me and snap at people who bring me to tears

You say "hey it's okay, you got this" and make me face my fears.

You make me believe I'm someone lovable, someone worth fighting for

But above all you gently making your way into my heart

And looking at me for who I am,

Makes me want to know myself more.

-scaredofmyvoice

You might think I'm stupid and dumb

Because instead of trying to move on

I'm looking for ways to deepen our bond.

You might think I'm a little insane when I say,

That all I want

Is her in my life.

It didn't matter if we'd never date.

It didn't matter if she'd never love me the same way I love her.

Because even if as a friend I can stay,

I know I'd take it anyday.

You might think I'm foolish.

You might think I'm weak.

But I'd rather spend every waking minute loving till my heart stops it beat.

-scaredofmyvoice

I found myself keeping a note of things you like and don't.

I filled it up with every bit of information I knew

As if my mind wasn't already full of you.

I filled it up because I didn't want to forget even a single piece of you.

The fact that you like the moon and that your favorite colour is blue .

The fact that you're scared of spiders and what wish you'd pray would come true.

The fact that when you're happy your eyes sparkle and your cheeks have a baby pink hue.

The fact that you love kids and are good with them too.

After these little facts about you,

I write about things I could give you to make you happy

I write about how I could learn to play your favorite song,

Even though I haven't touched a keyboard in years.

I write about how I could sew you a doll,

Even though I've never once sewed before

Its just that if I could put a smile on your face,

I'd do anything and everything I ever could.

-scaredofmyvoice

She asks me who I like with that glint in her eyes

"No one", i say , a quiet little lie.

She asks me who I like with that pretty little smile

"No one" , i say , pushing my feelings aside.

How do I tell her when I know there's no hope,

No chance of anything ever happening between us

I know I know but even so,

It's her I look for when I enter a room

It's her who's smile I'd do anything to see

It's her who I think of when I look at the moon

It's her in her black dress that made me swoon.

She asks me who I like as she stares into my eyes

"No one" , I say , think my heart skipped a beat not once or twice but thrice

She asks me who I like as she laces her hand in mine

"No one" , I say. I say and I smile.

How do I tell my best friend that she's the one I like.

- scaredofmyvoice

I need you to understand this, she says.

I need you to understand that I can't keep repeating myself.

One day I'll snap.

That day might never come

But I still need you to understand this, she says.

I hated myself a little more than before

I didn't even know that was possible.

"You've gone and done it now, you idiot"

"You asked for too much again", the voice in my head mocks.

I'm scared you'll leave me like everyone else.

I'm scared you'll see me the way I see myself.

I need you to understand that this fear has me in a chokehold.

I need you to understand that it's not easy letting go.

So I'm sorry if I apologize one too many times.

I'm sorry if I don't see my own worth.

I'm sorry I don't believe I'm a worthy existence .

I've been told so by too many people I held dear,

That these words in my mind have been forever seared.

-scaredofmyvoice

She taught me how to read

She taught me how to write

She even taught me how to ride a bike.

She taught me how to sing, a boomerang to fling

Hell, she even taught me how to draw an eyeliner wing.

To skip, to hop, to cook, to clean

Everything she taught, she made sure was heard and seen.

She taught me many things for which I'm grateful for

She taught me many things but I wish she'd taught me more.

Like how to clear my head when my thoughts are too loud

Or how to push through a day when my limbs are too heavy.

How to move on when my life comes crashing down

How to stop wearing my loneliness like a crown.

I'll figure these out on my own

I'll learn how and these skills I'll hone

So all I ask you is for you to teach me one thing

Come back and teach me how to be okay

With you being gone.

Please give me a reason to stay.

-scaredofmyvoice