I Think I Love Her

She taught me how to read

She taught me how to write

She even taught me how to ride a bike.

She taught me how to sing, a boomerang to fling

Hell, she even taught me how to draw an eyeliner wing.

To skip, to hop, to cook, to clean

Everything she taught, she made sure was heard and seen.

She taught me many things for which I'm grateful for

She taught me many things but I wish she'd taught me more.

Like how to clear my head when my thoughts are too loud

Or how to push through a day when my limbs are too heavy.

How to move on when my life comes crashing down

How to stop wearing my loneliness like a crown.

I'll figure these out on my own

I'll learn how and these skills I'll hone

So all I ask you is for you to teach me one thing

Come back and teach me how to be okay

With you being gone.

Please give me a reason to stay.

-scaredofmyvoice

All this pain is making it hard to breathe

All this pain is slowly killing me.

All this pain I wish that it would stop

All this pain that I know is really just love.

Love, with no place to go.

Love, that wants to scream no.

No I don't want you to leave.

No, infact, I just want you with me.

No I don't want the future to come

No because I know with me you'll be done.

It hurts.

It hurts so much

But if I can stay by your side,

My heart to bear the pain I'd train.

-scaredofmyvoice

I know it's true.

I ask for reassurance a lot more than others do

Because no matter how much I get

The voice in my head goes "They're lying, I bet"

It laughs, it mocks, it jeers at my pain

"Silly little girl who would even love you", it asks.

"Silly little girl you're such a burden", it laughs.

Just be quiet and pretend you're fine.

Who would even want to know that you're having a hard time

It taunts me all day with such cold cruel words

I find myself believing them

And in despair and agony i dwell.

So tell me in the end

Is it really wrong of me

To want others to give me what I desperately need.

To want them to see my flaws and love me nonetheless .

You need to love yourself first, I hear people say.

I'm not saying that I'll never love myself

I'm learning and while I do,

Can't I ask that you love me too?

-scaredofmyvoice

People buzz around me memorizing words on paper.

People stress around me telling me they'll check on me later

Because what could possibly be more important than studying for your finals

Surely it's more important, even if you think you're going to fall off the deep end.

They cast glances my way when they see me not studying

They throws words that say, "Hey you'll regret it by morning."

How do I tell them I couldn't care less

When I don't know if I'll be there by then because my mind's a mess.

What's a little losing your mind when in a few hours you've got a statistics test!

-scaredofmyvoice

I know you to be so kind,

But why not to yourself.

I know you to be so patient,

But why not with yourself.

I know you give second chances

Saying you'll trust and face the consequences

Rather than doubting and regretting

About what might have been.

I know you to be so helpful

I know you to be so forgiving

But sweet , sweet child when it comes to you,

Why are your feelings so unnerving.

Why do you hate yourself so loudly

When you're someone so sweet

Who wears their heart on their sleeves proudly

And smiles at everyone they meet.

Why do you think you're undeserving

Of love , of kindness and of everything you give

Who said you only deserve pain and agony?

Whoever said that , lied to you.

You're someone who deserves kindness too

And no greater kindness can come from someone other than you.

-scaredofmyvoice

Grasping ropes that were rotten and on fire

Grasping ropes as I tried to pull myself higher

Away from the water that rises at a speed I can't control

Away from the water that threatens to engulf me cold.

Maybe this is why I sought after ways

To find any sort of control

When I ate, slept and how much pain I felt

For all my bad decisions, my body went through hell.

I'm sick and tired and scared of myself at times

The world gets hazy and I can't breathe well

Someone please, save me from myself.

I'm sick and tired of looking at my arm and only seeing lines.

Filled with guilt and a terrible sense of shame

Filled with fear but I asked for help anyway.

No one's coming I've got to save myself

All I've got is me, in sickness and in health.

So I cradle my heavy heart in my arms

And tell someone I trust, that to myself I bring harm.

"I need help", these words I choked out finally

One big step towards a better rope at the end

I'm slowly making my way towards it,

Are you proud of me yet?

-scaredofmyvoice

I want to write.

Untill my hand can move no more, I want to write.

My mind screams incoherent words and my fingers itch to pen them down

It didn't matter if they were worth a penny or a pound,

As long as I could put these feelings on paper.

But the words in my heart stay locked up

And the paper I long to fill stays untouched

Leaving me with just this one desperate wish

I want to write I want to write.

-scaredofmyvoice

I'm used to walking behind people,

When the sidewalk's too small for us all.

I'm used to walking behind people,

I now do it all the time without a single thought at all.

If I walk behind them, I won't loose sight of them

If I walk behind them, I wont be abandoned then.

Because all I have to do is keep up my pace

Because all I have to see are footprints to trace.

I feel awkward when I'm in front of them

I feel out of place when I walk side by side

I feel lonely when I hear conversations behind me

I feel nervous when either side I see their eyes on me, keen.

But if I'm behind, people don't usually mind.

This is why I don't know how to react

Now that she stops and pulls me to walk with her.

This is why I feel guilty and undeserving

When she gets behind me to walk,

When the sidewalk's a narrow slot.

That shouldn't be done by someone like you, i think

You should be in the front laughing and talking.

Tagging along, trying to piece together what the rest are saying at a distance,

That should be done by someone like me.

-scaredofmyvoice

How can I not fall for you when you make my heart skip a beat

You hold my leg when you see me shake them

You ask me if I got eight hours of sleep or ten.

You pat my head everytime I do something that scares me

You stay up comforting me on my bad days even if it's as late as three.

How can I not fall for you when you treat me so gently

You know when I need space but still worry and watch over me silently.

You hold my hand every time I flinch because someone's loud

You cradle the hurt and scared child in me and tell her she's loved.

You get upset for me and snap at people who bring me to tears

You say "hey it's okay, you got this" and make me face my fears.

You make me believe I'm someone lovable, someone worth fighting for

But above all you gently making your way into my heart

And looking at me for who I am,

Makes me want to know myself more.

-scaredofmyvoice

Something happened today

Something that made me think.

We went to get food, my friends and I

We went to get food delighted and waiting to buy.

One step closer i get nervous,

Do i really have to eat?

Another step closer,

My heart starts pumping with quickened beats.

We get the food, my friends and I,

One big plate to share amongst us three.

They each grab a spoon and give one to me

They each have a bite and look at me,

Waiting to see if I liked the taste.

Was it always this scary to eat?

Was i always so afraid of their eyes on me?

No, thats not true.

But then whats wrong?

Why can't i eat even though it's what i want?

I stand there awkwardly trying to get a spoonfull

I stand there awkwardly hoping to run away if i could.

In the end I said I didn't want to eat and smiled

In the end , even though I didnt want to I lied.

I thought about it all the way home

And then i thought about it some more.

It makes me sad because I wanted to eat

It makes me mad because I held myself back.

I wanted to be like them when their eyes sparkled at the taste

I wanted to be like them when they ate each bite with no shame on their face.

Im always so ashamed to eat

Even though its a basic need

Im always so ashamed they'd see

And so i hide away behind smiles and a mumbled "Its okay I'm fine"

Something happened today,

Something that made me blink

At the absurdity of my own mind

For making me feel such shame

Over something so small,

Like having a bite.

-scaredofmyvoice

I usually wait till I have atleast a few poems written before I post but this has been on my mind for hours now and I just wanted to let it out.

It's been a rough day guys :<