Tw Suicide

What do you mean by “normal”? I, personally think of it as an aggregate of various definitions.

Normal is what we’re used to. Normal is the societally accepted way of behaving. Normal is uniformity, in the bad way. Normal is heteronormative, ableist, cissexist and sanist. Normal is a wand of control and power weaving mockery and shame; it is nothing but small minded, judgmental hypocrisy.

Spend your entire life listening to people normalize hetero relationships and that becomes your normal; spend your entire life being exposed to the humiliation of those who’re considered “different” and following the code of behavior which does not incite mockery becomes your normal; spend your entire life watching people with psychological illnesses be called ‘cr*zy’ and ‘ins*ne’ and the avoidance of being labeled the same and in the process, behaving according to society’s rules and regulations becomes your normal; spend your entire life learning about dichotomies and binaries and that becomes your normal. Thus, to put simply, normal is more than the societally accepted way of behaving, it is something we’re conditioned to - a spiral sucking you in down to the dot at the center, suffocating and hindering you and your mind’s expansiveness.

 When I think of “normalcy”, I think of what my family and friends, and even I at one point of time, used to refer to as being “normal”. I think of the clothes worn by actresses and dancers, that wasn’t normal, it was indecent and something worn only by the people in the film industry; people who were loud or flamboyant or funky or just indifferent to what society thought of them weren’t normal, they were cr*zy and those were the sort of people you found in a “mental hospital”; gay people weren’t normal, they were freaks of nature; thankfully, since being trans had a scientific explanation, that wasn’t not normal, but this condition could be applied to only people who were of the binary genders, non-binary was definitely not considered “normal”.

Apart from all this, “normal” is also a term used in place of “majority”. This may come as a shock to most, but what you assume to be a majority can in no way be called “normal”. Hence, teachers can’t generalize their students and assume that they’re all cishet, neurotypical and have no psychological illnesses.

 I do not condone calling people “normal”, it’s the same as the whole “most girls” rhetoric – redundant and narrow-minded.

 I’ve experienced humiliation and name calling for acting like a “cr*zy” person. I’ve been told to not “act like a r*tarded child” by my aunt. My uncle once told me I was, in fact, mentally challenged for he had met a lot of kids my age and none of them acted the way I did. One of my relatives told my cousin sister of age 7 to stop acting like an ins*ne person and proceeded to tell her how those people - who acted the way she was acting - were “locked up in a mental hospital because everyone thought they were mad people”.

  I’ve seen and heard people calling gay people “abnormal” and unnatural just because they were gay. In cishet people’s eyes, queer people aren’t normal because-

 A)    The majority of the population were thought to be cishet

B)    That was what they were used to and queer people were considered a “trend” or fad

C)    Society had conditioned them that way .

 Normalcy is a fallacy, it does not exist, it is the biggest scam ever after organized religion – but it still holds power, it can still break people, still make them drown in the feelings of insecurity and rejection, and if that isn’t enough for us to disown the entire concept, please tell me what is, for the last thing I want to do is be associated with something as disgusting as “normal”.  

TW : SEXUAL HARASSMENT/R*PE

Can people PLEASEEEE stop saying shit like "it's not sexual harassment if you like it" // "it's not harassment if you're turned on" // "your mouth might be saying no, but your body says yes"?!

It does not sound cool, it does not sound sexy and it is absolutely NOT okay for anyone to say this. For one, you need to ask BEFORE you touch - affirmative consent : yes means yes, not no means no. Two, most people's bodies are wired to like physical/sexual touch, and by 'like', I mean respond to it - that does not mean it's consensual. This is also one of the reasons why people don't consider it r*pe if the survivor has orgasmed, and that's just messed up.

We reallyyy need to learn to stop using phrases and language which perpetuate r*pe culture 🤢

I feel like there's no point to anything. The only thing I do everyday, the entire day, is stay on my phone or my laptop or sleep or eat, nothing else. I feel so drained and demotivated and just so empty.

My maternal grandma and I were talking about large age gaps in relationships and the importance of sex education, especially for women and I was ranting about all this to her.

My mom and my grandma never had proper sex education. So whatever they learned, they had to learn from their older, much more educated husbands. And no matter how much a good person your husband is, in such a situation, there will be some amount of grooming/manipulation involved - consciously or unconsciously. They'll teach their wives things they like, they'll only impart limited knowledge - they can only teach another person things they know, so if they don't know anything about women's pleasure, they won't know how to tell their wives either. And purposely or not, they might only teach their wives things they like - so a woman believes that these are things they *have* to do while having sex, things they *have* to do in a marriage to make their husbands happy and they could live their whole life not knowing what they like/want. It's so easy for husbands to take advantage of their wives. Even if it's in a tiny way, still. And they might not give them proper sex education, sex education from an "objective" perspective. Moreover, if the husband is conservative and believes in sex only for procreation, they won't even try to make their wives feel good and their wives wouldn't know any better!

But this same man may have gone through pronographic magazines or whatever when he was younger, he may already know about male pleasure. He might have already explored his likes and dislikes, but his wife never got that chance, and now she never will.

It's all so fucking messed up.

My grandma agreed with me tho, completely.

people : happy gandhi jaya-

me : no thank you

Me : *watching something in peace*

My grandpa : ayyy, what's this ridiculous thing you're watching, change it and watch something else - there are so many good movies blah blah blah

Me : *thinks back to when he was watching a movie where a few misogynistic assholes were talking about a girl as if she was sex object, slut shaming her and literally texting her asking if the b in her name stood for blow job*

Me : I don't know why but I have a feeling your version of "good" and my version of "good" are quite different,,,,,,

I was fourteen when I first read 50 Shades of Grey, or as Catherine Scott puts it — that book. What I appreciate most about it is not the spank-bank material it gave me, but the world it introduced me to; the hole that took me to my own wonderland. As my kink journey - in theory, mind you - progressed, I discovered aspects of myself I don’t think even therapy would’ve helped me access; the way I needed to be loved, the way I needed to be taken care of, the way I needed to feel small to grow, the way I needed to give myself over to reclaim autonomy.

Kink took me to regression, regression to self-awareness, and self-awareness to a yearning I sometimes cannot contain inside my body because of how large and all-consuming it is, how much space it occupies, and how it swallows me whole, especially on my worse days.

The question “how could non-sexual kink possibly be therapeutic?” has many, many answers; it is the hope I get when I imagine how I would no longer have to be responsible for myself; the relief I feel, knowing that someone wants the best for me, and letting them take over my entire being would help keep me alive; the knowledge that even though I am capable of taking care of myself, it is too much of a burden, too much of a leach sucking my battery, and so I choose to give it away, pass it over.

Someone who would squeeze my thigh, and tap it twice to indicate I need to lower my voice in public spaces, instead of an explicit “reduce your volume”, inadvertently triggering my rejection sensitivity dysphoria; someone who would wrap me up in a blanket and make me tea, cuddling me, crushing my body, until I come back from an episode; someone to make sure I can do the things I want to do, that inhibition due to my executive dysfunction wouldn’t make me a completely useless person; someone whose idea of what is best for me is my idea of what’s best for me; someone who would take care of me, when it hurts too much to take care of myself; someone I trust enough to kneel in front of because I feel shame choking me when I imagine myself submitting to anyone else; someone who chooses to stay; someone I can be a child with without fear of annoyance or judgement; someone I can be awkward with, weird with, loud with; someone whose rationality never hinders or limits their emotionality; someone to give me a healthy alternative to the unsafe pain my coping mechanism provides; someone to provide the sensation of hurt without causing me harm; someone whom I feel safe with even while constrained, blindfolded, all senses switched off; someone to gently squeeze my neck when my thoughts are too loud; someone to take over conversations when I face a sudden bout of energy loss; someone whose energy is dominating, all-encompassing; someone who would be my advocate, my shield, and sword; someone gentle, someone soft, someone who would never let me give up on myself.

Regression ≠ kink, for myself.

-kpm ©

I'm collecting mental illnesses like people collect Pokémon 🤡

It also kinda perpetuates a negative/toxic view of romantic relationships. Like, y'know how people most of the time talk about their partner in a degrading way (not gender specific, this is gender neutral) - not just when they're annoyed at them, most of the time. It's mostly snarky.

Married couples are the WORST. They talk about how they're "trapped" now blah blah blah (kindaaa gender specific because cis men tend to do it more). Just take the WhatsApp family group forwards - how many "jokes" are made about physically hurting or even killing their spouse?

There's so much bitterness. Majority of the people roll their eyes and shit on couples who post lovey dovey stuff on social media, but to be really honest, I shit on the people who talk shit about their partner openly on social media. Including 'bashing the ex' vaala posts. Like, no, just no. That's immature and disrespectful. It's better to be cheesy than hateful.

It's as if once you get into a romantic relationship your individuality, your freedom, your space, your likes and dislikes are automatically gone/irrelevant - that's how it's portrayed is what I mean, when people say stuff like this. And that just shows how many people are in unhealthy relationships but don't realise it's unhealthy, they're normalising unhealthy patterns and not even educating themselves (and/or others) on how a healthy relationship should be. A healthy relationship shouldn't feel like a trap or any of the above. It's supposed to make you feel _free, safe, comfortable and confident with yourself_, supposed to make you feel good inside.

edit : and this is from a person on the aro-spec

a nightly routine? oh, wait! I have one those! It's called, 'having a mental breakdown until I finally pass out'.