My Maternal Grandma And I Were Talking About Large Age Gaps In Relationships And The Importance Of Sex

I reaaaaaaaallllllyyyyy wanna re-watch OITNB but I don't think I'm emotionally ready to see Poussey again~

I'm such a horrible person. I'm a terrible fucking person. I feel no emotional connection to anybody, I can't feel at all, but this is

I don't deserve people, I don't deserve anybody, I only deserve to die and fuck. I feel like I'm using everyone in my family and I feel like I'm a fucking monster of a friend. When pellle tell me that they miss me, I feel absolutely nothing. I feel so entho pole around Ammi that today when I was acting annoyed she legit told me that I don't even let her come near me anymore, in a whiney way but I know she genuinely feels bad about it and I'm a fucking horrible person and god why am I like yhis why eh why

When I opened up to my friend when she was doing a case study on me about the time Achan and I had a slightly troubled conflict vaala relationship I felt so fucking guilty because he's really nice and stuff and here I am talking bad about him, even if it isn't actually talking bad about him because I didn't say anything bad about him just what had happened but my brain is convinced that I was talking bad about him and I'm a bad person and I deserve to die and there's nothing for me to do than diw

I don't want to go back not because of corona or whatever I don't want to go back because I'm scared to be lonely and no one seems to take that seriously and they don't seem to realise how fucking painful it is for me to feel lonely. I don't know if people with bpd experience loneliness differently from nts but fucking hell I can't go back to something like that I can't I can't I can't I don't want to leave home and go back to my PG please please please

But I'm missing classes and I'll have to go back for exams but I won't be ready for that because I don't even feel like all this is happening in this reality, I can't comprehend that college is actually going on and classes are being took until someone talks to me about it, otherwise I'm completely detached and fuck I'm going to fail I'm not going to be able to write anything and on top on all this I'll just be a sad fucking disappoingment

My therapist is amazing he really is really good but my therapy sessions aren't stable and continuous and I have a feeling he thinks my diagnosis is a mild one so that's why I don't need as many sessions, I think so, I dunno but I do, I do, I do I really do but I don't know to tell him and I read and I see these therapists and therapy sessions in the stuff I read and I want something like that I want to properly work on this and be able to feel stiff like a functional human being and I want to stop living through life feeling empty not feeling any emotion not feeling like I have a proper connection with people not feeling like I love people

I went out with Sanju yesterday or day before or something and it was no nice but I'm trying to control myself and not feel too emotionally attached like I used to, maybe she's my fp or something cause she's the only person i um feel intense emotions towards, but that too isn't like typical emotions so I dunno. Anyway I've been trying to put as much distance between ourselves so it won't become that bad again so even if that means I won't ever get to be her best friend again like before it's okay because I don't think I can go through so much mental fucking pain again and I never want to treat her like how I treated her back then so I'll do my best to handle my emotions and if tgat means not being able to be like before then it's okay I'll suffer through her being close yo Sanjana and Aswathy and never me not me and I'll support her when she has boyfriends who she tells me about and I'll try to be a good friend the best I can because that's all I can fucking be because she doesn't know about queer platonic relationshios and she wooldnt want to be in one because she's a straight person who wants boyfrienfd and wouldn't want to be stuck with me and even if we do become best friends again I'll never be able to always hang out with her like I want to because we'll be far away from each other and because even though I'm platonically in love with her it would never work out she wouldn't be into it at all and it's as impossible and me being a functional human bueng so yeah and since I've properly convinced myself of that it doesn't hurt as bad and it's okay sometimes I let myself feel it when I think about the non-possibility sometimes rarely when I'm really happy like when she texted me first but that's only for a shoet moment cause I know how to control myself better now so yay

the whole concept of karma is rooted in casteist beliefs - getting what you deserve? being born into a particular style of life because of the actions of your previous life? suffering or being privileged in the life you have at present because of the actions of your ancestors/as a consequence of the actions of your previous life? all of the above = used to perpetuate casteism. The whole foundation of the caste system stands on this concept, of being born into a particular caste because of what you did in your previous life(-ves). Apart from it being casteist, I personally, don't agree with any of this. People do not get what they deserve (don't read it using a cynical tone, I'm using a matter of fact tone); a small child who has a chronic illness that's sure to result in death has not warranted it, no matter what they must or must not have done in their so called past life - that is, if you believe in such a concept - warrants such a form of suffering; a person who has been or is being abused does not deserve it, again, same reasoning; a horrible person who gets to get away with all the horrible things they've done don't deserve that, but it still happens; a person having a debilitating illness hinders who're their supposed to be isn't what they deserve; people being discriminated against for being a certain way, being born a certain way or whatever isn't because of their previous life ka actions or because they somehow deserve it; there are people who're doing good in life even though they've done bad actions and vice versa, there are people who did bad™ things which had bad consequences with good intentions, there are people who've done good their entire life but who still suffer, who's to say who deserves what, who's to say who deserves something because they must've been bad in their previous life, what gives an outsider the right to judge someone this way; your child being a "troublemaker" (that's a censored term BTW) isn't because you did something bad in your previous life and this is your fate now - I don't even want to begin to point out everything's that wrong and insensitive and messed up about that; you having a privileged life, being born into a family that's privileged, isn't because your ancestors did something great or worked harder than the ancestors of a family which is suffering (socially/economically, whichever), a family which isn't as privileged as yours - that's a very problematic thing to say, not only because of how ignorant and doused in privilege it is, but also because of how casteist it is. It sounds holier than thou, as if what your ancestors did was morally superior, in any way superior, and that the other person's marginalisation is because their ancestors weren't good enough, didn't do enough - you being born into a good, comfortable home was because your ancestors were somehow better than that person's, who's now suffering in life. My grandfather has used this argument so many times to point out the why to which I was born into the family I was born into and not into a family like our neighbor's, who aren't as privileged or well-to-do as we are, apparently it's because they all worked harder and did their "duties" (another term which pisses the fuck out of me) properly and so I was also gifted with this life, wtfffffff. Karma isn't simply tit for tat, there's much more to it - this concept implies that what people get in life is what they asked for through their actions (karma also refers to all your actions in your previous being accumulated and you having to face the consequence or the fruits of it in your following lives) which is fucking victim blame-y, a scapegoat and I do not stand by it. It could offer solace to people - the whole concept, I mean - when something bad's been done to them, I understand that, but that's a personal 'I want to feel good, so I'll believe in this' thing, and that's upto you, but on a wider scale, I'm not at all comfortable with people saying that 'karma' is the reason for what happens to people in life. It honestly disgusts me.

I'm walking around the house braless and my grandma was whining about it and I asked her - in a very jokey/teesy tone - why she had a problem with it when I didn't, and that it was my body anyway, she was like I don't like you staying here, what about that then - what will you say to that. And I'm so fucking angry and upset and so, so done. I hate adults. I hate adults. I hate adults. They're insensitive, cruel and self centered.

me, going through bumble :

🎶where them girls at🎶

this pride month, let's make an effort to casually mention queer stuff around children instead of censoring it

I hate it when people do nice things for me on my birthday because I know that I don't deserve any of it and I'm a horrible person and I'm an imposter and I deserve only bad things but then that hurts too, but this hurts also

I feel so lonely :)

WHEN IS IT GOJHN YO GET BETTER?! WHEN THE FUCK WILL IT GET BETTER

I can't handle this oh my gosh so much pain, I can't fucking handle this it hurts so so so so much I feel like I want to I want to die eventhough I'm not suicidal

Pleasepleaseplessepleasepleaee oh gosh it hurts so much fuck fu kfu K fuck

In case someone is reading this, just a trigger warning for death and stuff okay

yo, since I was a small kid whenever people were angry at me, they'd say that I was a burden and that they'd never met a child like me and they they wish they were gone/dead instead of having to deal with me and whenever I did or took something (like food for example) when it wasn't eating time without asking they'd ask me why I was eating during such a time and if I finished the last piece of something they'd be like oh you didn't ask anybody else if they want it, you're so selfish and y'know stuff lkek that, they'd never let me have complete freedom y'know, and now whenever I ask if I can eat something or like finish something or like ask permission or when I can't make decisions on my own properly or when I don't do something, like take a class or whatever because I feel like I'd be wasting their money or do tiny tiny stuff so that I'd seem invisible or not want them to do some things for me, they'd be like why aren't you doing that - like why are you asking permission for such tiny things, you should know to make your own decisions and like not to worry about other stuff and do the things you're interested but now, at present, at this age, I literally cannot, and they just don't get it that the things they've told me when I was a kid have been conditioned and engraved into my brain and it's difficult to heal from that.