I Was Fourteen When I First Read 50 Shades Of Grey, Or As Catherine Scott Puts It — that Book.
I was fourteen when I first read 50 Shades of Grey, or as Catherine Scott puts it — that book. What I appreciate most about it is not the spank-bank material it gave me, but the world it introduced me to; the hole that took me to my own wonderland. As my kink journey - in theory, mind you - progressed, I discovered aspects of myself I don’t think even therapy would’ve helped me access; the way I needed to be loved, the way I needed to be taken care of, the way I needed to feel small to grow, the way I needed to give myself over to reclaim autonomy.
Kink took me to regression, regression to self-awareness, and self-awareness to a yearning I sometimes cannot contain inside my body because of how large and all-consuming it is, how much space it occupies, and how it swallows me whole, especially on my worse days.
The question “how could non-sexual kink possibly be therapeutic?” has many, many answers; it is the hope I get when I imagine how I would no longer have to be responsible for myself; the relief I feel, knowing that someone wants the best for me, and letting them take over my entire being would help keep me alive; the knowledge that even though I am capable of taking care of myself, it is too much of a burden, too much of a leach sucking my battery, and so I choose to give it away, pass it over.
Someone who would squeeze my thigh, and tap it twice to indicate I need to lower my voice in public spaces, instead of an explicit “reduce your volume”, inadvertently triggering my rejection sensitivity dysphoria; someone who would wrap me up in a blanket and make me tea, cuddling me, crushing my body, until I come back from an episode; someone to make sure I can do the things I want to do, that inhibition due to my executive dysfunction wouldn’t make me a completely useless person; someone whose idea of what is best for me is my idea of what’s best for me; someone who would take care of me, when it hurts too much to take care of myself; someone I trust enough to kneel in front of because I feel shame choking me when I imagine myself submitting to anyone else; someone who chooses to stay; someone I can be a child with without fear of annoyance or judgement; someone I can be awkward with, weird with, loud with; someone whose rationality never hinders or limits their emotionality; someone to give me a healthy alternative to the unsafe pain my coping mechanism provides; someone to provide the sensation of hurt without causing me harm; someone whom I feel safe with even while constrained, blindfolded, all senses switched off; someone to gently squeeze my neck when my thoughts are too loud; someone to take over conversations when I face a sudden bout of energy loss; someone whose energy is dominating, all-encompassing; someone who would be my advocate, my shield, and sword; someone gentle, someone soft, someone who would never let me give up on myself.
Regression ≠ kink, for myself.
-kpm ©
More Posts from Pisforpandemonium and Others
a nightly routine? oh, wait! I have one those! It's called, 'having a mental breakdown until I finally pass out'.
I genuinely feel like my family doesn't like me. I know they love me, because family and stuff, but there's a difference between liking someone and loving someone when it comes to familial relationships you know? I was having terrible, terrible, horrible, craving for death kinda cramps today and I desperately needed emotional support and I was crying and calling out to anybody, I literally yelled "somebody please" and they heard that and my grandma was coming and my uncle was like, I could hear him from the room, where are you going amma, don't go and stuff as if I was troubling her and I was an annoying baby who was crying and would stop it's crying when ignored long enough or something, but my grandma came and was like you know I have work, so I can't sit here with you, blah blah and your mom will come soon with the hot water bag, all this is happening because you never listen to us when we tell you to exercise so that your muscles will stretch, you don't even listen, now you're suffering etcetc and a lot of insensitive and cold stuff like that, not at all emotionally sensitive or comforting when I was suffering and I felt so fucking bad, so fucking heartbroken that I went silent. Then my mom came with the hot water bag and stuff and she lay with me for a while, not for me, but because she got an excuse to look at her phone and rest (she has a leg problem, so for that too) and then after a while, the water become lukewarm/cool and I told her that the hot water bag helped and if she could heat the water up and bring it and she sat up and kept looking at her phone and I waited for a while and the pain was returning so I asked her again and I was pissed that time, but I controlled it as much as I could (didn't yell like I usually did), and she was like stop getting angry and used her leg as an excuse as yo whyc she wasn't moving (which was an excuse because you can actually see the difference right? When a person is making an excuse and actually not okay) and scolded me a bit. Basically, when I needed softness and comfort and maybe a little pampering, all I got was bluntness, hard love, annoyance and being ignored. I don't remember the last I felt so fucking bad because of something people actively did (not internally feeling bad or hurt feelings feeling bad, feeling pathetic and like a burden). The words "I'll just kill myself and you'll all be finally rid of me and won't have a pain in tbe ass" was at the tip of my tongue (and I can't count how many times this thought ran through my head today), and if I was more non-woozy and had a teeny bit more energy, I would have blurted it out, honestly. I feel so fucking sick, in the miserable vaala way.
Could you recommend kid friendly critical/independent thinking/youth liberation/etc material and so on that we can get print outs of?
"like to do whatever, reblog to explode someone bad" yes absolutely we should do that but you know what else we should do
go to this website
find one in your area or search "little library [your city]"
go to goodwill every once in a while and buy whatever you can afford worth of kids books and go stuff every single one of these things full of them.
have a printer? print out kid friendly critical thinking and environmental pamphlets and other appropriate educational materials and shove them in there. who knows what you're indirectly teaching someone that could change their life?
being a radical is doing things that challenge the norms, standards and institutions that are currently established. whatever we do on tumblr matters, it's a form of praxis, but if you wanna get real wild with it, go out into the world and start forcing it to be the way that you want to see it rather than waiting for everyone's cooperation.
there's this theory that Haz is trans/nonbinary and I am so fucking glad that I'm not the only one who thought of that!!!
I don't feel like touching anyone or being touched today (it's just like that sometimes), and it's a nonverbal day today, which means it takes so so much energy to talk and I really don't want to; but my cousin just told me she has "a lot of things to tell you!" and she's touchy-feely and I'm dreading this so fucking much but I don't know what to say to her because -
1. She's a kid
2. She gets upset very easily
And fuck, I just want to be alone
yo, why does a particular form of oppression have to "hurts everyone in some way or the other" - for people who’re not the primary targets/victims to talk about it 🙄
not everything affects everyone, that doesn't make something less real or less important. experiences don't have to be universal to be talked about. homophobia doesn't hurt straight people, yes, it might inconvenience them in some way, but they don't *face* homophobia, similarly so with other forms of oppression~
it doesn't have to affect you personally for you to care about it.
it's about time people realised self dx means "I've done intensive research on this, read outsider perspectives and personal experiences with people who have so and so, which is why I genuinely feel like I have so and so" and NOT "I relate to this one symptom, I totally have so and so"
yes, I'm pro-self dx.
I don't like this belief/practice where when one person does something they're uncomfortable with or sacrifice something, it's seen as an act of love or loyalty or whatever to the other - similarly, when person #2 expects person #1 to do the same to "prove" / "show" their love for them; and not sacrificing something or not putting themselves in a difficult/uncomfortable situation is portrayed as not loving the other person enough - "you love me right, so why won't you do this for me" is emotional manipulation and T O X I C. You don't have to make yourself uncomfortable, you do not have to sacrifice something that makes you happy, you do not have to do any of this to prove your love to your loved one. I don't understand from when or where or how people started romanticizing the idea of sacrifice. From wives sacrificing their hobbies and their occupation for their husband or family and expecting all girls to do the same for their husband/boyfriend (cishet relationships in this context) to expecting close friends to attend parties to give you company eventhough they've made it perfectly clear that they're uncomfortable with doing so, this entire concept is normalised to the point that now it's considered not-true love, not strong enough love when others don't sacrifice/don't get out of their comfort zones/don't do things that makes them feel uncomfortable for others.
I've been going to the same therapist for over two years and i mentioned that I wanted to be an in patient because I'm a danger to myself and my therapist said she trusts my process. When I told my mom this, she asked me to try EFT - something different - first before becoming an in patient. This was also the time when my therapist moved houses to another state. And it was after my therapist increased the fee. But yeah, anyway, while booking a session with her , my therapist told my mom that she thinks it'd be better to not have two therapists at the same time (which she'd already told me but i took in the sense that we'd ease into it and take a break and then continue because I didn't want a new therapist tbh) but my mom got upset.
And then I did have a session with her and we discovered transference was happening from both sides so we decided to do once a month sessions. And this was also when my therapist's relative died and so many things happening differently. Today while my mom was trying to book a session my therapist asked her if she'd paid already and there was a lil confusion and my mom got pissed and she ranted to me and i HATED hearing it
Not only did I hate that she was thinking negatively of my therapist but my mom also said "she's saying stuff like this only after you started the EFT sessions with another therapist" and i had already been overthinking that my therapist wouldn't want me anymore that she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me finally that now she's not interested and that she's upset because y'know bpd fucking sucks. And my mom saying this felt like further proof and I wanted to cry and scream and throw a tantrum and tell her to shut up and not talk about her like that AND I also wanted to ask my therapist for reassurance but I didn't because what if she was going through something and that's why .
My house is under renovation and i have to write an entrance exam soon for pg i opened up to my family about my mental health issues - so many new things and i cannot and i can't be fully free with the EFT therapist because there's a mental block there I'm holding back things because I don't want her to make me totally okay because if that happens then I won't be able to talk to my therapist because there won't be big proper reasons and i can't do that and what the EFT therapist does make me feel better but i don't want her to because it feels like a betrayal
And now I feel like I'm floating and I feel like everything's changed and imagining not having her fills me with panic and anxiety and I feel like I fucked everything up and i don't know I'm distancing myself from her or trying to hold on too much and i just want to give up and die and i don't want therapy at all anymore i want nothing i want to be nothing
I feel like I've fucked up a good thing and i don't even know if EFT is working and i HATE everything and myself and the world and i literally cannot think badly of my therapist, my brain doesn't go there and i feel like if it did I would break I'm just blaming myself and hatung myself for everything and why am I like this
Trying so hard to be a person who accepts other people's (difference in) pov without feeling ehem, but don't think it's for me 😳🥺😖
But like always, Imma fake it till I make it or else I'll have no friends hahahahaha
23 \\ she/her // pan oriented aroace CONTENT WARNING FOR LIKE 89.8% OF MY POSTS
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