I Felt Today Oh 🙂

please :)) stop :)) sexualising :)) my :)) body :))

do adults even understand that when they tell a teenager to stop wearing sleeveless tops and short shorts, they're inadvertently sexualising their body? do they realise that when they tell a teenager to close their legs while sitting and dress decently, they're sexualising their body? do they realise that telling a teenager that they can't wear what they're comfortable with even at home, they're making it an unsafe space for them? do they realise that telling a teenager that if or when people come over and see them in those clothes, or if they step out of the door and their neighbours look into their house and see them wearing those clothes, they'll think it's shameful and indecent, hence they should stop wearing such clothes, they're thus giving more importance to other people, and placing the responsibility of not being viewed sexually on the teen? do they realise that when you tell your kid that now she's above 18 (19), she needs to understand all this, they're sexualising her body? huh?????? huhhhhh????????

ALSO, if I feel good enough in my body to wear sleeveless tops with large holes, and short shorts, then why do you care??! it's my fucking body, not yours. if you feel uncomfortable with me wearing such clothes then stop fucking looking at my with such a messed up mindset, stop regarding my body as a sexual entity. nothing is inherently sexual except for sex, get that through your fucking head. not how you keep yours legs, not what you wear, not even the kink community is sexual unless the specific acts are sexual. nudity isn't inherently sexual either. it's all about personal choice and consent and I've internalised this so much, so well, that even the slightest remark which is narrow-minded or conservative pisses me off. urgh.

I feel like I don't have much of a relationship with my mom anymore. She's alwaysss, alwayssss busy with her MA Psych classes - morning, afternoon and night, and when she does come out of the room, the only thing she talks about is this leg pain she has and how this massage thingy is so good, with my grandma. She doesn't listen to me when I talk, she doesn't want to hear anything I say, but somehow she thinks she can come and scold me and repeat the things my grandparents tell me to do when she gets the time 😒 when all she does the whole day is stuff related to her class.

And what made me the most upset today was the fact that she said my kitten would die if it ate kitten food rn because it's too small and won't be able to digest it when I was talking to my GRANDMA. She never listens when I freak out about my kitten, never proactively asks about it or gives it any attention - atleast as far as I know, she claims that she gives it attention in the morning and I don't see cause I'm sleeping, but whatever. I dunno, maybe it's super petty and childish, but I feel unwanted.

8 t hink I need helpProfessional jelp

And not just my this therapist vaala help

Because sometimes I scare myself a

Nd I know I tell you still

Stuff

But trust me

What's going in my brain is so much worse than the stuff I tell you

The reason why I tell you so much in the first place is cause there so much more and if I didn't tell you the bare minimum I'd go out of my mind

And I need hekp

Please

For a long time I've believed that if I were to be pro - sex work/ supportive of sex workers, I had to be pro-porn, I had to think of porn as empowering, instead of oppressive, I had to think of the porn industry as something that allows sex workers to explore their sexuality and empower themselves. It took a lot of learning and unlearning to finally understand that being pro-sex work/ supportive of sex workers and believing that porn empowers certain sex workers can co-exist with the fact that the porn industry is messed up, misogynistic and exploitative. It doesn't exist in dichotomies - both are facts.

The porn industry is exploitative, Pornhub is exploitative and rape apologistic - but acknowledging and criticising the misogyny and abuse in the porn industry does not give you the right to shame sex workers in any way. They're not perpetuating or encouraging any of this, they're not aiding in their own oppression - they're a part of a system which exploits them; shame the system, not the workers.

//

If you don't blame or/and shame the people who're being exploited by capitalism for being exploited by the system, what makes you think you can blame and shame sex workers for the same? Where the fuck does your hypocrisy end?

I feel like I'm unwanted, to my family, you know? Like, um, yesterday my grandpa and I were arguing a bit. I was eating Lay's and he wanted to check what company or something makes it, so while I was eating it he grabbed the packet and twisted it to see and I whined and I was like bad manners, I'm eating, how can you do that while I'm eating - in a whiney tone so that it wouldn't be rude cause they're elders and I can't show anger. And then he got pissed off and was you have so many bad manners, you trouble us and stuff, and then I was like there's a difference between bad manners and that, manners is like please and thank you and excuse me and all that - I was saying everything in a jokey tone, and the argument escalated and my grandpa was like what do you know, you know nothing, you are nothing and that just, fuck, that just hits differently y'know? Something like that.

And um, later on, before dinner, I was lurking around the kitchen cause my mom and grandma were there and I wanted to interact with people. And I was trying not to block the way, but I accidentally did and my grandma was like can you both (at me) give me some peace/quiet/space ( a Malayalam word, that's a rough translation ) - and she's like I'm going to die soon from all this hardwork and stuff, and looking after you (me) is enough for that to happen.

And my mom has MA psych classes and she's always in the room okay, the whole day, and sometimes it feels like that's all she cares about, she never wants to talk to me, never listens when I do talk, always looks at her phone, tries to get away as soon as she finishes eating - the only time she comes out - even if I'm sitting alone in the dining room, the last person to finish. So due to all that, sometimes I go into the room to annoy her in between classes because atleast I'll get some sort of attention, y'know? It's childish, I'm aware, but yeah. And my mom gets super pissed at me and stuff. And it usually is funny, but sometimes it just, it just feels like no one wants me around

In my family

This is my mom's family btw. My dad's family does want me around, but over there I'm nervous of criticism and judgement and stuff, because yeah. And I don't feel that comfortable talking to them because I don't know what to talk about cause it's unpredictable what they find unacceptable and wrong.

And my dad wants me to go to his place cause we've been at my mom's for quite a long time, but I don't want to because my kitten is here and it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the kitty there for many reasons and also because I like the vibe here - the place's vibe, if that makes sense. This house feels better, this area feels better, it feels good. So that's also conflicting.

I just feel like I'm just an annoyance or a burden to my family. And I don't know, I feel super upset

I want people to stop being mean to me, and rude to me. I want them to be nice, but I know I can't control what they say or do and I just feel so fucking horrible

Why are adults so mean to kids

Why do they use tones which seem like they just want to do whatever duty they have and then get rid of me

It's like, when they're angry or upset at me, they say horrible things. My grandpa uses bad language and my grandma would be like (they built a house in Palakkad - a village area, a few years ago because they were planning to move there. But my grandpa wanted to stay here because he wanted to be there for me and all, so they rented out the house) 'we should've gone to Palakkad, I told you (to my grandpa), but noo, you wanted stay here to fix your grandchild, it's all your fault' and stuff. So they just say whatever comes to their mouth without any consideration and that fucking sucks

I don't have any adult I can open up to. I used to open up to my uncle, but he kind of betrayed that, used it against me when he was worried/upset about me, in front of everyone. So I can't trust him anymore. And I told him I'd never be able to open up to him again when we talked about the issue and solved it. And I have no one else in my family, no other adult whom I can be emotionally vulnerable with.

the way i would give up my life and my soul and my entire being for Samira Wiley should be a little concerning-

um, so I feel really buzz-y and blank and I genuinely cannot focus on anything, I have absolutely no motivation - it's not like I'm drained, but rather empty (if that difference makes sense). The socio thing is coming up, everyone's (Poline, Swathi and Rheena in our group) discussing about it, they even did a video call to discuss and they sent the points in the group, I said I wasn't in the mood for studying, so I didn't join the call - but everything just went over my head. I didn't read anything they sent and I'm not sure I'm going to cause my head's been feeling woozy and I don't know how I'm going to submit the damn assignment on Monday.

And I'm not stressed because I can't feel anything, I'm forcing my brain and my mind to atleast remember that there's an assignment due, but it's as if I have no object permenance - I don't even remember that there's this thing until or unless they talk about it, and when they do, I ignore it because it goes completely over my head.

I honestly don't think I'm going to be able to do anything this semester because it's been this way for months. Swathi was talking about exams prolly coming up and I was like shut the fuck up because I can't even imagine what's it going to be like ( I didn't tell her anything of course, cause it's a 'me' problem and not a 'they' problem ). I'm not scared, I'm not stressed, I don't feel anything and even as I'm sending this I don't feel any of this, I just feel empty and I know this is supposed to evoke some sort of tension, but it isn't, so I just don't know what to do.

difference between shipping and queerbaiting, you ask?

Drarry = Shipping

Sterek = Queerbaiting

It's all support people with ADHD until they-- act "irresponsibly", ask for "special treatment", exhibit "difficult" symptoms.

It's all support people with BPD until they--act "immature", are "too sensitive", "unnecessarily emotional"

And so much more that I don't have the energy to list.

Fuck this shit.

I hate it when people do nice things for me on my birthday because I know that I don't deserve any of it and I'm a horrible person and I'm an imposter and I deserve only bad things but then that hurts too, but this hurts also