I Feel Like I'm Unwanted, To My Family, You Know? Like, Um, Yesterday My Grandpa And I Were Arguing A

me, doing anything :

my family : what are you doing/why are you doing that/why are you doing that right now/do you have to do that/don't do that

me, eating something :

my family : what are you eating/why are you eating it now/do you have to eat that/why did you not ask us before finishing it, you're so selfish/don't do that

me, unable to do simple things without asking for permission because I want to avoid being questioned and criticised :

my family : why do you ask us everything, you should make your own decisions and be independent, you shouldn't be asking permission for such silly things

me : 👁️ 👄 👁️

sometimes I can tell when an episode is going to hit me y'know? my chest sinks and my head feels like all the air's been drained out of it, like till now it's been filled with water and feeling as such, but then when an episode is about to hit me or when I feel it coming, that water just flows out. and my throat feels cloggy and my tummy/chest area feels weird. Nowadays I can distract myself before it hits because I've numbed myself down so much and I've suppressed myself to much that I can swish it away or press it down so that I can prevent one, but then I just go back to feeling lonely or empty or whatever. and yeah, that's bad too

that bpd moment when you've been in an emotionally drained mood™ for a while and a small thing finally tips you over, and everyone things the latter is the reason you're having an emotional meltdown/breakdown and you don't know how to explain that it's cause of your hellfuck disorder not just that petty thing

my grandma thinks i shouldn't over-share with my friends matters related to the family (w/ good intentions). but my whole entire life my friends have been my only confidantes and now all of the sudden, my family is learning to be supportive and understanding, and i have to not-do what I've already done? Even now, my first instinct is to reach out to a friend when I'm emotionally bleh , even when huge ass fights happen at home. I just can't not do that

For a long time I've believed that if I were to be pro - sex work/ supportive of sex workers, I had to be pro-porn, I had to think of porn as empowering, instead of oppressive, I had to think of the porn industry as something that allows sex workers to explore their sexuality and empower themselves. It took a lot of learning and unlearning to finally understand that being pro-sex work/ supportive of sex workers and believing that porn empowers certain sex workers can co-exist with the fact that the porn industry is messed up, misogynistic and exploitative. It doesn't exist in dichotomies - both are facts.

The porn industry is exploitative, Pornhub is exploitative and rape apologistic - but acknowledging and criticising the misogyny and abuse in the porn industry does not give you the right to shame sex workers in any way. They're not perpetuating or encouraging any of this, they're not aiding in their own oppression - they're a part of a system which exploits them; shame the system, not the workers.

//

If you don't blame or/and shame the people who're being exploited by capitalism for being exploited by the system, what makes you think you can blame and shame sex workers for the same? Where the fuck does your hypocrisy end?

WHEN IS IT GOJHN YO GET BETTER?! WHEN THE FUCK WILL IT GET BETTER

I can't handle this oh my gosh so much pain, I can't fucking handle this it hurts so so so so much I feel like I want to I want to die eventhough I'm not suicidal

Pleasepleaseplessepleasepleaee oh gosh it hurts so much fuck fu kfu K fuck

what is harm reduction in simple, everyday terms? (because i like applying social justice approaches to my daily life for authenticity)

harm reduction is "here are some ways you can do *insert something with drawbacks/something that could be harmful/something that might cause health issues* safely" instead of "don't do this"; harm reduction "come to me, don't do it alone" instead of "stop doing this"; harm reduction is "you know yourself best, if you're doing something with full information, then it must mean something to you, so instead of judging you, I'll trust you and support you" instead of "if you know it's problematic/unhealthy just stop doing it"; harm reduction is "I'll meet you where you're at" instead of "you should be here instead/I'll bring you here/you should work on yourself and change where you are"; harm reduction is "you don't have to stop doing or start doing *insert above mentioned particular thing* to deserve unconditional acceptance and positive regard/help when you need it etc" instead of "you need to change *insert thing* to be worthy of aid".

this can be applicable for drug and alcohol use, sexual/reproductive health, eating disorders, self harm, and so on. harm reduction is a principle, a social justice approach, and an evidence based practice.

me, thinking: *don't say it, don't say it, istg if you say it-*

my family: "it's for your own good, we're only thinking about what's best for you"

me: *control, deep breaths, control, deep breaths, control, deep brea-*

family: "if we didn't care about you, we wouldn't say all this to you"

me: *BOOM* *EXPLOSION*

PLEASE STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ME IF THAT'S THE REASON FOR Y'ALL TO SAY INSENSITIVE, CONTROLLING BULLSHIT

I don't feel like touching anyone or being touched today (it's just like that sometimes), and it's a nonverbal day today, which means it takes so so much energy to talk and I really don't want to; but my cousin just told me she has "a lot of things to tell you!" and she's touchy-feely and I'm dreading this so fucking much but I don't know what to say to her because -

1. She's a kid

2. She gets upset very easily

And fuck, I just want to be alone