I Feel Like I Don't Have Much Of A Relationship With My Mom Anymore. She's Alwaysss, Alwayssss Busy With

you know what I've gradually come to realize? you don't have to be good at things to do them. you don't have to be good at studying to want to learn; you don't have to be good at remembering to want to read; you don't have to be good at dancing to dance (and have solo dance parties in the middle of the night); you don't have to be good at singing to sing (and serenade your best friends while drunk); you don't have to be good at following the rules of a language to write; you don't have to be good at art to create art (or paint in children's coloring books); you don't have to be good at relationships to love; you don't have to good at staying updated on the appropriate terms to use to care about humans and social justice; and you don't have to be good at being a person to live.

I'm so tired, like so so so tired

I just wanna end but I can't cause I'm a coward

Can't stop crying why

No point

me, thinking: *don't say it, don't say it, istg if you say it-*

my family: "it's for your own good, we're only thinking about what's best for you"

me: *control, deep breaths, control, deep breaths, control, deep brea-*

family: "if we didn't care about you, we wouldn't say all this to you"

me: *BOOM* *EXPLOSION*

PLEASE STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ME IF THAT'S THE REASON FOR Y'ALL TO SAY INSENSITIVE, CONTROLLING BULLSHIT

how to tell your family you got a boob tattoo :

step #1 - don't.

Tomorrow's a sunday and I've literally spent my weekend the same way I spend the rest of my days and I feel this chronic boredom and it's choking me and I was so fucking upset and I want to cry because I'm wasting my life and not doing anything worthwhile.

I've been going to the same therapist for over two years and i mentioned that I wanted to be an in patient because I'm a danger to myself and my therapist said she trusts my process. When I told my mom this, she asked me to try EFT - something different - first before becoming an in patient. This was also the time when my therapist moved houses to another state. And it was after my therapist increased the fee. But yeah, anyway, while booking a session with her , my therapist told my mom that she thinks it'd be better to not have two therapists at the same time (which she'd already told me but i took in the sense that we'd ease into it and take a break and then continue because I didn't want a new therapist tbh) but my mom got upset.

And then I did have a session with her and we discovered transference was happening from both sides so we decided to do once a month sessions. And this was also when my therapist's relative died and so many things happening differently. Today while my mom was trying to book a session my therapist asked her if she'd paid already and there was a lil confusion and my mom got pissed and she ranted to me and i HATED hearing it

Not only did I hate that she was thinking negatively of my therapist but my mom also said "she's saying stuff like this only after you started the EFT sessions with another therapist" and i had already been overthinking that my therapist wouldn't want me anymore that she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me finally that now she's not interested and that she's upset because y'know bpd fucking sucks. And my mom saying this felt like further proof and I wanted to cry and scream and throw a tantrum and tell her to shut up and not talk about her like that AND I also wanted to ask my therapist for reassurance but I didn't because what if she was going through something and that's why .

My house is under renovation and i have to write an entrance exam soon for pg i opened up to my family about my mental health issues - so many new things and i cannot and i can't be fully free with the EFT therapist because there's a mental block there I'm holding back things because I don't want her to make me totally okay because if that happens then I won't be able to talk to my therapist because there won't be big proper reasons and i can't do that and what the EFT therapist does make me feel better but i don't want her to because it feels like a betrayal

And now I feel like I'm floating and I feel like everything's changed and imagining not having her fills me with panic and anxiety and I feel like I fucked everything up and i don't know I'm distancing myself from her or trying to hold on too much and i just want to give up and die and i don't want therapy at all anymore i want nothing i want to be nothing

I feel like I've fucked up a good thing and i don't even know if EFT is working and i HATE everything and myself and the world and i literally cannot think badly of my therapist, my brain doesn't go there and i feel like if it did I would break I'm just blaming myself and hatung myself for everything and why am I like this

damnnn, I see people actually liking my posts and I'm super grateful, but tbh I use this platform to post drafts and stuff like that hehe - Tumblr is kind of like my post space? If that makes sense. I didn't expect this, but thank you 🥺🖤

Role of Conflict and Violence in the Society

For centuries, humans have built themselves up by tearing each other down - countless wars, communal violence, hate crimes, violation of human rights and mass killings. In such a world where one thrives off of conflict and violence, it is imperative that we understand the role both plays, especially in this day and age, especially because death and destruction no longer shocks us, no longer disturbs us, especially since we've become passive and immune to all the violence around us. Today, in this day and age, conflict and violence are not just political issues, it is a personal issue - the political has become personal and it is becoming incredibly difficult to draw the line where one begins and where the other ends.

The growing hate among humans can be seen via the gruesome crime of mass shootings - an extremely widespread and prevalent issue in the US at present. In 2019 alone, there have been over a hundred incidents, most of which were hate crimes against people of color and lgbtq+ people. What was once brushed away as an issue of gun control - a political issue - is now considered to be something personal because a lot of these mass shootings take place in schools, in most of these situations queer people, Latinx people and Black people are targeted, and they could be a neighbor, a relative, a friend, a family member, an acquaintance. According to some studies, the United States has had more mass shootings than any other country in the past years - which shows the importance of proper gun control and strict laws against gun violence. But this is not solely an issue of gun control, it is also a human rights issue, it is proof that prejudice against minorities is on a hike. In the prose 'Whisper of the Bodhi Leaves', Buddhist monks are killed by shooters solely because of their religious differences, because they were from two different communities. Conflict between two communities or violence against a particular community occurs when the in-group feeling goes of out hand; when that happens, one starts to place their community or group on a pedestal and starts viewing different groups as "others"- someone who isn't worthy to be considered their equal. From here stems prejudice and then later on, discrimination. There are so many different forms of discrimination, so many groups discriminated against, remaining apathetic or apolitical in such situations only encourages the oppressor and never helps the oppressed.

I've never been obedient, I hate being obedient, but now I am being so to avoid getting scolded or spoken harshly to and I feel like I'm losing parts of myself, or losing myself - I feel sick and wrong inside and terrible, horrible. This is not who I am, this is not who I want to be, this is someone else doing something to avoid feeling hurt because they're in a fucking fragile mental space and fucking hell. It's wearing on me and I honestly don't know what to do.

If you don't support me at my-

-being loudly queer

-feminist rants

-passionate lectures about my interests

-therapy talk and mental breakdowns

you don't deserve me at my-

-certificates

-positive recognition from authority figures

-published articles

-accomplishments/wins

I won't show you the good parts if you're not accepting or supportive of my "bad parts"; i don't want anyone's 'congrats' if it doesn't also come with 'i hear you'; i don't want to be seen when there's a light shining on me if you turn your cheek when there's a dark stormy cloud above my head; before asking me- 'why didn't you tell us, this is such a good thing', remember the time when you said- 'don't speak about yourself too much, it's not appropriate'; don't chastise my silence if you've ever ignored my voice. fin.