Um, So I Feel Really Buzz-y And Blank And I Genuinely Cannot Focus On Anything, I Have Absolutely No

S*icide "joke" / "not joke" -

People : Mental health and mental illness and ND awareness blah blah blah

People : Suicide is not the answer

Also people : How are you going to survive in this world if *lists and complains about various symptoms neurodivergent people/pw mental illnesses have* [hence - suicidal ideation. like??????? the math is so simple?????? which part do you not get?????]

Also people : We can't give you concessions cause we're all going through tough times and it would be unfair, so suck it up

||

If you want ND people and pw mental illnesses to live, then make the world a livable place for us. suicide is not the answer, I absolutely agree. but neither is enforcing norms and standards which are exclusionary and HARMFUL in nature and on top of that not giving concessions or being understanding. you can't have both.

i love lgbt people with bpd or other identity disturbance disorders because its like… its so difficult to know where you fit in in this world when your brain is telling you to change who you are every single day, when your brain is telling you one thing this day and the other thing the next day, when you are constantly filled with the desire to reinvent yourself.

it is difficult even as a non-lgbt person, but when you have this identity thats supposed to be static but doesnt feel static to you at all then its just all the harder, you feel like youre faking but you deep down know that youre not, yet your labels keep changing and it makes it hard to convince the outside world of who you are and to convince them to take you seriously

all my love goes out to us lgbt people with identity disturbance disorders, we struggle so hard but itll get easier with time

It's 5:30 AM and someone took away my favorite pillow, the only which is comfortable and suits my neck and I'm thirsty and there's no water bottle in my room and I can't go it rn and wceeytgubt feel so WRING AND I WANT TO DIE

I hold so much bitterness towards adults and I'm sure it's unhealthy, but yeah. Like, I hate the way they treat their kids, I hate the way they're so hypocritical, I hate the way they think they can say anything and not be held accountable for the hurt they've caused just because they're parents or family members, I hate the way they consider it selfish for their children to tell them how certain things they did left an impact on them, I hate how adults seem to want to teach their kids how to live in the world and treat other people, but they themselves treat their kids like trash, without kindness or compassion, I hate how adults purposely say things which are aimed at making their kids feel bad, I hate how adults think that they can justify taking advantage of the kid's vulnerability for whatever reason (for the "greater good" or "for your own good" or whatever), I hate how adults are so mean and rude to their children, I hate how they use terrible language and say horrible, horrible things just because they're sad or upset and then go on about as if they said nothing bad, I hate how adults expect their kids to talk to them and be free with them, but at the same time, judge them or mock them or brush them away when they do; I hate how adults seem to think they own their children, how they seem to think they can silence them; I hate how adults say "this is my house", taking away the sense, the feeling of "home" from the child - because if it is their house only, because they built it, what is it to their child? What is their child to that house? Isn't it supposed to be a home, and not a house that belongs to just one person? ; anyway, I hate how adults are not reliable or trustworthy and nearly never nice, I hate how adults tell their kids they want to die because their kid is too much, I hate how adults think parents/family members get a free pass for everything and anything they say or do.

I know some people think they have the freedom to start discussions about anything and everything and treat matters as a fun topic to debate over and then reach a "to each their own" or "let's let it go now" point, but when you do that about matters which affect people's rights, or which personally affect people (such as queer rights/queerphobia, mental illnesses, sexism etcetc) - you have to realise that what you're utilising isn't your freedom of speech or your right to say whatever you want without giving two shits about the consequences or how it impacts the people who face it/go through it personally, what you're utilizing is your fucking audacity and tone deaf bigotry to be offensive, hurtful, ignorant and discriminatory.

And if your "debate partner" is somebody who goes through the issue personally, faces the stigma and prejudice you seem to treat as a fun argument personally, and thus can't make proper refutes or comebacks or keep calm, it's not on them, it's not fucking on them - it's on you for being a piece of shit asshole who thinks they're free to say and do whatever you want. You may have freedom of speech, but freedom of speech doesn't include hate speech, discriminatory speech or stigmatising speech. Fuck you.

yo, why does a particular form of oppression have to "hurts everyone in some way or the other" - for people who’re not the primary targets/victims to talk about it 🙄

not everything affects everyone, that doesn't make something less real or less important. experiences don't have to be universal to be talked about. homophobia doesn't hurt straight people, yes, it might inconvenience them in some way, but they don't *face* homophobia, similarly so with other forms of oppression~

it doesn't have to affect you personally for you to care about it.

The first time I read Ursula Le Guin’s The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas, my chest constricted with the passionate onslaught of too many thoughts, too many emotions, too many opinions. No matter how many perspectives I could logically think from, my brain circled back to the outcry of why no one spoke up, why no one resisted, revolted. How strong could be the ones who walked away? After all, walking away is the easiest thing one could do. It didn’t take much for me to unlearn that; just Louis’ outburst of leaving being the hardest thing to do, as he says so in COAGDP, was all it took. And when I tried that angle, I understood. I understood what Le Guin was trying to convey, what she wanted to make us see. It was a statement; it was saying: “this world was built for me. This suffering is meant for my happiness. This is all I’m aware of. I choose to not be happy. I would rather leave to a place I know nothing about, a place I don’t even know exists, than be happy at the cost of a child, of someone being collateral damage, for my happiness. If this torture is for me, for my sake, I would rather live a miserable life in the unknown.” It was not just brave, it was revolutionary.

Staying there, fighting for change, would lead to: “do you want us all to suffer just because of your selfish ideology?” / “do you want our lives to collapse just to save one child?” / “does this strange child mean more to you than your loved ones’ happiness?”. The age-old argument of collective good versus the wellbeing of an individual is one with an answer that’s a double-edged sword. There is no end, no solution; strength comes in many forms, many faces, and sometimes turning your back on all you’ve known your entire life is the strongest thing one can do to make a point.  

We see this in all the people who’re the black sheep of their family; the leftist, the feminist, the divorcee, the queer one, the atheist and the agnostic, the free-thinkers, the child rebels, the child who questions; we don’t see much of them, because they’re forced to hide underneath cloaks saying something different – “anti-national”, “violator of culture, of family values”, “the reject”, “the one with conduct issues”, “the heathen”.

Walking away is many a time metaphorical, and it doesn’t always mean the same thing; but when one has lived their whole life as a frog in a well, jumping out isn’t escapism, it is resistance.

-kpm

my bpd is acting up with my fucking kitten and I'm so fucking done with it.

I found a baby kitten Yada Yada, took care of it, gave it love and affection, my grandma gave it food then I had to leave to my dad's house and the kitty grew closer to her and now she's closer with her than with me and I'm unconsciously distancing myself from my fucking kitten as a self defense mechanism cause she doesn't need me anymore and she loves other people more and wonderful

I feel so much, s9 fucking much pain a n d I'm sobbing and I'n literally duckubf PRAYING TO GOD FOR THIS TO SYOP PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE BPD IS THE FUCKING WORST IT'S 2 25 AM AND I'M SLEEPING BETWEEN MY MOM AND GRANDMA AND I'M PULLING MY JAIR AND THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS too MUCH I CAN'T EVEN GO AND FUCKING SRLF HARM RNNN

I'm on a trip with my family and my family friends right now and I'm hiding in the toilet because I feel left out 😬

Please help me feel less pathetic.

But the thing is I'm pretty sure it's all in my head - well, atleast most of it. I feel like my family friends wouldn't care if I hadn't been here, my existence doesn't make a single difference. Cause, like, when I'm in my room or away from them cause I feel left out, they don't seek me out. I have to seek them out. And other stuff, other insecurities, y'know?

And my cousin is here and she's small, and I can't control myself, leave that - my brain is empty and my thoughts don't forewarn what my mouth is about to say and so I say things which are rude to her even though she's super sweet and loves me a lot and I feel like a fucking dick because I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve to be loved. I want to die. (and urgh, before you report it or whatever, I'm not gonna attempt suicide 🙄 this is the only platform I can be as pathetic as I want and remain anonymous and blunt, don't ruin that for me because you have a saviour complex - I don't actually mean that, but tbh I really got annoyed at the post which told people to report posts which mention even a lil bit of own vaala death. Nothing is going to happen except that the post will be taken down. And even if something does, it's going to be fucking messed up cause I'm not going to die of suicide anytime soon. I wouldn't be venting here if I was)