I Hate Money
i hate money
every single purchase feels like a massive task no matter how small. i even feel cautious about gifts as i don't want people spending money on me.
the only time people spending money on me is "okay", is like, christmas. i'm not too keen on my birthday generally so yeah only christmas. even then it's still like, weird for me.
i can't buy things i need or want, not because i don't have the money, but because number go down. i feel like if the number goes down even a little it's massively negative thing. i feel like the only time it should go down is for things i don't have much of a choice in.
More Posts from Chris-kalani and Others
please don't follow me.
thanks.
i fucking hate sonic.exe and any sort of creepypasta that takes some form of kid's media and royally fucks it up in a similar way.
i saw sonic.exe and the tails doll shit when i was little and that shit scared me so bad i didn't play a sonic game for a couple of years. even just looking at the normal versions of the characters spurred those memories of the stupid fucking creepypastas in my head.
i woke up a few times last night. each time i went to sleep i had a new nightmare with a new plot. 3-4 unique nightmares in one night. even though it sucked to experience, i gotta respect the hustle from my brain. couldn't have been easy to create so many personal hells in one night.
words cannot describe the sheer extent, to which i wish to absolutely tear myself apart and reduce myself to nothing.
man playing some tf2 someone was really toxic. i ended being a little toxic back and felt horrible. like, i wasn't nearly to the same degree as them, but still. i normally barely say anything.
i'd report them but it'd feel a bit hypocritical since i was kinda mean back. i got possessed by the mean gamer for a couple sentences back there.
i am horrified to be myself
i am scared of what others would think of me
i am holding so much of myself back, and i've been doing so for so long
trying to break that fear, i feel like there came a point where i was no longer keeping things hidden, but actively forgetting them
how do i regain what i've lost?
i feel like i'm on my death bed.
looking around, calling out, trying to get anyone's attention.
doesn't matter who notices, i just don't want to die alone.
i am actively avoiding things i like and going back to things i don't.
why
i have made the realization that i occasionally forget to breathe
not in a "take deep breaths to calm down" kind of way. more in a general sense.
lost my pfp a while ago (like a couple months i think?). not sure why or when exactly it happened. still weird. i haven't opted to replace it because i don't really have anything good to replace it with atm.
