Man Playing Some Tf2 Someone Was Really Toxic. I Ended Being A Little Toxic Back And Felt Horrible. Like,

got self-concious and wiped my account. turns out not having anything posted makes porn bots follow you like crazy.

i am actively avoiding things i like and going back to things i don't.

why

hopefully i can sleep tonight.

last night i kept waking up like, every 15-30 minutes. to be quite honest, i'm not sure if i ever did go to sleep in the first place. not seeing anything for a period of time could just mean my eyes were closed.

i do think however i did dream a couple of times...i think? maybe?

i just want to sleep and feel well rested for once. nothing seems to help.

what is the most 'nothing' you can be? human is too much, animal is still something, a robot would be neat, but those are manmade and would be bound to have issues of their own.

i guess there's ghosts, but who knows how that works. it'd be nice if you could just endlessly wander like a spectator mode for life. just observe everything.

although, you might get bored of that eventually.

words cannot describe the sheer extent, to which i wish to absolutely tear myself apart and reduce myself to nothing.

i am horrified to be myself

i am scared of what others would think of me

i am holding so much of myself back, and i've been doing so for so long

trying to break that fear, i feel like there came a point where i was no longer keeping things hidden, but actively forgetting them

how do i regain what i've lost?

please don't follow me.

thanks.

i don't want to simply be told that everything will be okay. that's meaningless to me. just empty words.

i need everything to be soundly proven it will be okay, without a shadow of a doubt.

but with so many spiraling thoughts in my head, it's a fight against my mind you'll never win.

i'll never win.

i'm going to spiral forever.

i'm going to feel sick forever.

i'm going to be scared forever.

calling for help is still instinctual, even if i know it's meaningless.

i don't know what else to do.

ok so i'm gonna post about something different than the usual, since i've had this on my mind for a long time now. also excuse some fucky typing i just woke up.

i genuinely do not think scott cawthon is a bad person. it was quite a while ago at this point since scott made those donations to those republicans, and i genuinely believe he had no idea what they were doing. two things happened after the post that revealed his donations.

the first was a post scott made defending only the fact he was voting on the right, because at this point he likely thinks that was the only part of the drama. right leaning youtubers and whatnot praised him for "not backing down" and standing with his politics in the face of backlash.

the second happened very shortly after. scott backed down. he announced a pseudo-retirement and has been trying to move the franchise's management to other people (steel wool, clickteam, etc.). this is when he realized those politicians' opinions on the lgbt community was. he donated money to the trevor project and has done so a couple more times since then iirc. i don't know exactly where to see all his donations to charities 'cause he's done so many of them. i know that doesn't fix very much, but this boomer is trying to atone for what he did.

i am aware that he is still likely right leaning due to his christian background (which is interesting considering his seemingly rocky history with christianity, but maybe that's not for us to pry into), but that was also quite a while ago. he also lives in a red state and if you're just a observer that doesn't look too far into politicians you vote for, only using their campaign ads as a reference point, then yeah people might make bad decisions. and scott has somewhat of a bad track record on accidently hiring not-so good people because he just kinda grabs random-ass people who, on the quick glance, made something neat.

scott isn't a bad guy, and he is very much aware of how much of his community is lgbt. he even has many characters in fnaf who definitely stray from the normal hetero stuff. his main focus on voting right-leaning was money/economic concerns (which is still a high focus for people on the right who will blindly vote for someone if they say they've got like a good economic plan or something. capitalism and all that, but that's a whole other topic i'm too tired to talk about).

maybe i'm an idiot. personally, i hate politics in general and how much it tears people apart. i hate this is all a thing that happened in the first place,

bleh. i probably didn't do a good job at trying to defend him. probably should have done this when i was more awake but with fnaf gaining popularity again i've already seen people bring all this up again. just wanted to say something, even if it sounded dumb and idiotic.