I Feel Like I'm On My Death Bed.

man playing some tf2 someone was really toxic. i ended being a little toxic back and felt horrible. like, i wasn't nearly to the same degree as them, but still. i normally barely say anything.

i'd report them but it'd feel a bit hypocritical since i was kinda mean back. i got possessed by the mean gamer for a couple sentences back there.

i don't feel comfortable in my house

i wonder if anyone i know will find this account. will they know it's me? i mean, if i leave a link to it like on my discord or something maybe. just depends on if they opt to click on it or not.

if you aren't someone i know and you found this blog, i'm sorry i don't have much to offer you. well, i guess that goes for anyone really. these are just the ramblings of someone losing their mind very slowly.

i'm building up disorders like uh, pokemon. yeah. got autism, probably some form of ptsd, and recently got diagnosed with some form of dissociative disorder thing. probably other stuff i don't remember. i don't think of writing that stuff down. it's been a bit since our last meeting i can't remember the specifics, really. just the big things.

i've been making vague progress in therapy. very vague. but hey figuring out what's wrong with me is the whole point, even if it makes the list of problems longer and we're nowhere close to making my whole "existence" situation better. still progress. take what you can get.

not only that, but i'm still here. somehow. gotta be honest, i'm impressed by that. thought i wouldn't even make it to 2020 let alone 2024, and hell we're nearing 2025 as i write this. i'll be 23 next year.

i'm not makin it to 30 though let's be realistic here.

then again, it's 12:32AM maybe it's just doom posting hours idk.

i will say, i'd like to open up my little mental bunker. let all that repressed emotion out. let the insanity consume me. see what happens. could be fun.

well, maybe not ALL the insanity. i'm a bit tired of constantly imagining false conversations and interactions with people i know to keep myself from feeling so alone on a daily basis. i could do without that.

combine that with my oddly realistic dreams and you got a person with a VERY fucked up memory.

i have made the realization that i occasionally forget to breathe

not in a "take deep breaths to calm down" kind of way. more in a general sense.

words cannot describe the sheer extent, to which i wish to absolutely tear myself apart and reduce myself to nothing.

i don't want to simply be told that everything will be okay. that's meaningless to me. just empty words.

i need everything to be soundly proven it will be okay, without a shadow of a doubt.

but with so many spiraling thoughts in my head, it's a fight against my mind you'll never win.

i'll never win.

i'm going to spiral forever.

i'm going to feel sick forever.

i'm going to be scared forever.

calling for help is still instinctual, even if i know it's meaningless.

i don't know what else to do.

i hate money

every single purchase feels like a massive task no matter how small. i even feel cautious about gifts as i don't want people spending money on me.

the only time people spending money on me is "okay", is like, christmas. i'm not too keen on my birthday generally so yeah only christmas. even then it's still like, weird for me.

i can't buy things i need or want, not because i don't have the money, but because number go down. i feel like if the number goes down even a little it's massively negative thing. i feel like the only time it should go down is for things i don't have much of a choice in.

i fucking hate sonic.exe and any sort of creepypasta that takes some form of kid's media and royally fucks it up in a similar way.

i saw sonic.exe and the tails doll shit when i was little and that shit scared me so bad i didn't play a sonic game for a couple of years. even just looking at the normal versions of the characters spurred those memories of the stupid fucking creepypastas in my head.

i am horrified to be myself

i am scared of what others would think of me

i am holding so much of myself back, and i've been doing so for so long

trying to break that fear, i feel like there came a point where i was no longer keeping things hidden, but actively forgetting them

how do i regain what i've lost?

i am actively avoiding things i like and going back to things i don't.

why