I Woke Up A Few Times Last Night. Each Time I Went To Sleep I Had A New Nightmare With A New Plot. 3-4

i am actively avoiding things i like and going back to things i don't.

why

i feel like i'm on my death bed.

looking around, calling out, trying to get anyone's attention.

doesn't matter who notices, i just don't want to die alone.

what is the most 'nothing' you can be? human is too much, animal is still something, a robot would be neat, but those are manmade and would be bound to have issues of their own.

i guess there's ghosts, but who knows how that works. it'd be nice if you could just endlessly wander like a spectator mode for life. just observe everything.

although, you might get bored of that eventually.

i hate money

every single purchase feels like a massive task no matter how small. i even feel cautious about gifts as i don't want people spending money on me.

the only time people spending money on me is "okay", is like, christmas. i'm not too keen on my birthday generally so yeah only christmas. even then it's still like, weird for me.

i can't buy things i need or want, not because i don't have the money, but because number go down. i feel like if the number goes down even a little it's massively negative thing. i feel like the only time it should go down is for things i don't have much of a choice in.

Disliking something that a large majority of people love is a feeling I can never seem to get past. I will spend hours upon hours trying to understand why on earth I struggle enjoying a piece of media that is so widely loved. "Everyone likes (x) and I don't, so do I just not understand it? Am I too stupid to enjoy this?" is typically my first thought process. This leads to me trying my hardest to get as invested as I can, to really experience that piece of media to a definitively absurd extent.

For example, I have nearly 1,000 hours invested into Terraria and have even 100% the game's achievements (well, before the last update that added a few more). Of course, some of this time is also from much older versions of the game and time obtained through the years since I first started playing during 1.1 on mobile, shortly later getting the PC version on 1.2. Video games were not common for young me to have, so a lot of playtime was likely simply due to it being one of the few games I owned. Even then however, I'd never actually 'beat' the game until a few patches into 1.3. My experience with Terraria has been filled with hours of grinding, attempting bosses MANY times, and a general difficulty to even see what is happening on my screen as everything visually melts together. Not to mention being interrupted by random events, forcing me to stop whatever I'm doing to get involved since who knows when I'll be able to do that event again. The other difficulties available as well, namely Expert, feels downright sadistic forcing me to grind even more to give me even somewhat of a reasonable chance of survival. I could keep going, but I think I've made my point.

Even after all of that, I still feel like I'm simply missing something. Some magical single puzzle piece that'd make everything click into place and make go "Oh! Now I get it! This is amazing!".

From the labyrinthian nightmares of classic Doom (and similar 90s fps) to the surprisingly stressful experience I had with Spirited Away, I can't help but feel like I'm just...broken in a way that prevents me from enjoying things that thousands of other people enjoy. I feel alien.

i have made the realization that i occasionally forget to breathe

not in a "take deep breaths to calm down" kind of way. more in a general sense.

ok so i'm gonna post about something different than the usual, since i've had this on my mind for a long time now. also excuse some fucky typing i just woke up.

i genuinely do not think scott cawthon is a bad person. it was quite a while ago at this point since scott made those donations to those republicans, and i genuinely believe he had no idea what they were doing. two things happened after the post that revealed his donations.

the first was a post scott made defending only the fact he was voting on the right, because at this point he likely thinks that was the only part of the drama. right leaning youtubers and whatnot praised him for "not backing down" and standing with his politics in the face of backlash.

the second happened very shortly after. scott backed down. he announced a pseudo-retirement and has been trying to move the franchise's management to other people (steel wool, clickteam, etc.). this is when he realized those politicians' opinions on the lgbt community was. he donated money to the trevor project and has done so a couple more times since then iirc. i don't know exactly where to see all his donations to charities 'cause he's done so many of them. i know that doesn't fix very much, but this boomer is trying to atone for what he did.

i am aware that he is still likely right leaning due to his christian background (which is interesting considering his seemingly rocky history with christianity, but maybe that's not for us to pry into), but that was also quite a while ago. he also lives in a red state and if you're just a observer that doesn't look too far into politicians you vote for, only using their campaign ads as a reference point, then yeah people might make bad decisions. and scott has somewhat of a bad track record on accidently hiring not-so good people because he just kinda grabs random-ass people who, on the quick glance, made something neat.

scott isn't a bad guy, and he is very much aware of how much of his community is lgbt. he even has many characters in fnaf who definitely stray from the normal hetero stuff. his main focus on voting right-leaning was money/economic concerns (which is still a high focus for people on the right who will blindly vote for someone if they say they've got like a good economic plan or something. capitalism and all that, but that's a whole other topic i'm too tired to talk about).

maybe i'm an idiot. personally, i hate politics in general and how much it tears people apart. i hate this is all a thing that happened in the first place,

bleh. i probably didn't do a good job at trying to defend him. probably should have done this when i was more awake but with fnaf gaining popularity again i've already seen people bring all this up again. just wanted to say something, even if it sounded dumb and idiotic.

i don't feel comfortable in my house

i envy other people's childhoods

that's not to say there were some good bits to my own, but those good bits could have still existed anyway.

and i know a 'normal' childhood still wouldn't have been possible, given my autism and all.

but at least there would have been an attempt where i didn't live sheltered in constant fear of everything and maybe people cared for my disability (and even knew of it) instead of yelling at me.

i'm still scared.

please don't follow me.

thanks.