My Guinea Pigs Will Not Sit Still For Anything In Heaven Or Earth. My Best Shots Are When I Bribe Them

And if you’re really worried about stress eating or being unhealthy during the pandemic, you can do better things than shit yourself silly after drinking whatever diet tea you saw on Instagram. Besides the fact that they don’t work, a lot of diet programs you find on social media will either harm you (because they’re extremely restrictive or call for taking some unregulated supplement containing hell knows what) or your wallet (because when you order a program they’ll steal your credit card number or sign you up for some autoship mess).

Go for a walk, do some yoga, play with a dog, make something healthy but tasty, like an omelet with veggies or pancakes with fruit (yeah, I love breakfast food, come at me bro). Doing these things might not even make you lose weight, but they will make you feel good.

Or engage in my favorite form of self care, dousing yourself in Vaseline and sliming around the floor while you play at being a slug.

You don’t owe it to anybody, at any time, and especially not during a global pandemic, to be a certain size or shape. You are making it through an unprecedented disaster and that makes you a certified fucking badass.

I love you all and I support you in doing whatever you gotta do, you rock star.

Diet companies will be hitting hard this year. Be prepared to hear repeated sentiments of “It’s time to get rid of that Quarantine 15” and “In these hard times, commit to taking care of yourself with healthy living and weight loss.”

This rhetoric is going to be everywhere. And due to the nature of modern advertising, the vast majority of it will be coming from people online who just look like they’re trying to share some good advice with the followers that they love so much. You’ll barely be able to see the money getting thrown at them from the weight loss industry.

Don’t reward them for using these manipulation techniques - Buying their products and losing weight isn’t going to make your year any better, or erase the stress of the pandemic, or be the first step in self-care.

Please please please see these ads for what they are - A way of preying on your insecurity and trauma in order to make money.

Can you imagine how much fun it would be to take a baseball bat to a giant fucking sea cucumber and just watch it go

GOOSH SPLAT

And then it panics and ejects its guts at you and you just keep beating it

GOOSH GOOSH GOOSH

I'm really mad about the fact that in the new event the brothers didn't let me fight against that fucking giant sea cucumber and just told me to stay away from it, they even told Solomon to fight, but not ME?! 😤 I'm so indignated right now I am not kidding 😡

Second only to Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. I was delightfully traumatized by such art as:

This is one of my favorite childhood stories.

Oooh! Me!

I will climb that man like a tree

Simeon: Have you seen MC?

Lucifer: [Moves his coat to reveal MC clinging onto him]

Lucifer: Help me.

In the immortal words of Queen Bey:

And in the immortal words of JoJo:

LEAVE

GET OUT

Shit, I’ve been there. Anon, you’re not alone. Please DM the account above (or hell, DM me, I’m usually drunk but pretty nice)

Also, best thing for me when I was in that headspace? Find something you feel strongly about. Love bad reality tv dating shows? Hate the Kardashians? Find someone else who feels the same way and just start talking. My best friendships, the ones who have pulled me out of my deepest holes, have come from shit-talking local politicians we hate (and in one instance, from being equally obsessed with the terrible Flavor Of Love series). And it went from hating/liking the same thing to talking about other things, and being friends, and caring about each other.

hi... im really sorry, but i'm completely alone and am really struggling to find a reason to live... could you maybe do a one note one day post? if not i totally understand

omg ofc

everyone pls boost this

also if you ever need someone to talk to you can dm me

@one-note-for-one-day @one-note-one-day

Your son looks like a nice kid.

Think my kid bit him though. Sorry bout that.

Have you seen my son? Now you have.

When you’re riddled with anxiety over living in another four years of a fascist hellscape and you’re still hungover from drinking an entire bottle of Wild Turkey during election night coverage and you had to be hungover in court and the judge thought you were a monumental dumbass

BUT

THERE’S A PROPOSAL POP QUIZ

AND I GOT THE SATAN SSR

Not normally real into Levi, but moe!Levi makes me feel all funny in my tummy

Day 3: Glasses

I've always wanted see Levi in glasses, and I am not disappointed...

I still need to work on it a little bit, but I just couldn't wait to put him up.

Y’all need to follow this artist. Abuela Lucifer is hot and also will straight murder you with LA CHANCLA.

GET RID OF THE COUCHES!!! WE CANT LET LORD DIAVOLO KNOW WE S I T!!!!