In The Immortal Words Of Queen Bey:

Pro tip! Make a 1:1 solution of water and white vinegar and spray it on the pee spot. The vinegar should react with the ammonia in the urine and help neutralize the smell.

Mum and I let a stray cat into the house just now and he pissed on the curtain so we’ve been frantically trying to cover up the smell so Dad doesn’t tell us off.

I sprayed the scene of the crime with a load of dettol but now the whole room smells of that which is even more suspicious.

So I said to Mum: “what if he questions why it smells like a toilet in here now?”

To which she replied: “We’ll just tell him you farted so I had to light the candles but they weren’t enough.”

THANKS MUM

Y’all I got this card and y’all

I’m simping Barbatos.

When he’s your surprise guest and he’s so --- UGH I HAVE DIED FROM UWU

THEY DID NOT JUST PUT GLASSES ON BARBATOS

My two current game obsessions.

INJECT IT RIGHT INTO MY VEINS

Another random Twitter doodle, Satan as Louis from AfterL!fe!

You can pry my Picrew out of my cold dead hands.

Cold.

Dead.

Hands.

(Picrew me has had enough of your bullshit)

i know people are calling picrews cringe and all but i can not hate the simple joy of making and dressing up a little cartoon person and then looking at it and going “it’s me! :D”

You have no idea how much I want to do this when opposing counsel calls me to bitch.

OC: “Well really Facebook isn’t supposed to tell the government when their users upload child exploitation material so I’m going to file a motion to suppress-”

Me: BANG BANG MOTHERFUCKER

Ok let’s say all kids who want to go to college decide to join the military.

What y’all gonna do with all the kids with depression, or ADHD, or physical disabilities? They usually can’t enlist without a medical waiver, so what? You can’t go to college because you were born wrong, oops.

And what y’all gonna do when you have to train, arm, feed, and pay the salaries of millions of additional troops? And then pay for their college on top of that? Why don’t you save money and cut out the middle part, and just pay for the college?

Are y’all still gonna bitch about how China outpaces us in education and we don’t have a strong educated workforce, but you don’t want people to go to college unless they’re willing to get shot? Y’all gonna pretend this is a matter of “econ 101″ when you apparently didn’t sit through economics long enough to learn what a positive externality is?

It’s almost like conservatives react purely out of the spiteful attitude that “I had to pay for college/health care and it was hard for me, so everyone else must have to suffer as well.”

(edit: and I say this as someone with $200k debt from grad/law schools, and who would be fucking thrilled to see everyone younger than me go to school for free, and I’ll rant about that all day)

Y’all I just spent real ass money on this wedding event.

It’s me.

I’m queen simp.

*cranks that Carrie Underwood*

TWO BLACK CADILLACS

DRIVING IN A SLOW PARADE

YEAH THEY TOOK TURNS THROWING A ROSE DOWN

THREW A HANDFUL OF DIRT INTO THE COLD GROUND

HE’S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD A SECRET TO HIIIIIIIIIDE

exuding severe "my husband has died under suspicious circumstances and now, i, the poor grieving widow, have to attend his funeral" vibes

Trolling the absolute shit out of my homophobic and racist in-laws in the group chat

Injecting the boomer tears directly into my veinsss

where were you when joe biden was elected forty-sixth president of the united states

All their tiddies are bigger than mine ;_; but they could maybe wear one of my big sleep shirts for failed political campaigns that I get from thrift stores?

Mammon in a Perot/Choate 1996 shirt would be on brand af, I guess.

(also literally every time my husband - a foot taller and 120 lbs heavier than me - buys me clothes, he insists on going to the register by himself and asking the cashier how they think he’d look in the outfit. Send help plz)

You remember that trend where your favorite character wears your clothes?

He's trying to cover his tiddies, I don't know if that's clear