This Is Actually A Joke I’ve Heard A Couple Times From Latinx Folks:

(you must read this book, it is not optional)

sometimes the notification box on posts forgets how to be a functional element of a web page and just starts cramming actual posts from my blog into itself, engulfing the notes and eating them alive i guess

As a fellow married Obey Me! player, I can confirm that nothing is worse than forgetting to turn the notification sound off and hearing Lucifer yell at you when you’re chilling with your spouse. Husband: “I don’t know what kind of hentai you’re watching, but you are not allowed to make fun of my browser history ever again.”

Today in reasons I’d like to be buried

Oooh! Me!

I will climb that man like a tree

Simeon: Have you seen MC?

Lucifer: [Moves his coat to reveal MC clinging onto him]

Lucifer: Help me.

My first post on this lurker-only Tumblr account will be to announce that I am gay hee for Jaehee. Die mad about it.

Reminder that Jaehee Kang is gorgeous, amazing and under appreciated.

Reblog if you agree.

My feelings for Diavolo are complicated, ok? I just want to be in a Lucifer/Mammon sandwich to appease my Id and Superego at the same time. Can’t I just live???

Template shamelessly stolen from @oheyfox​

If you claim to hate cats and can’t stand them but as soon as you see one you go “pssst pssst here kitty boo boo who’s a baby?”

You are not controlling.

You are just my dad.

(will you send me some money?)

hey so, as a man who works with other men, here’s a quick relationship tip: if he doesn’t much like cats, that might be just a personal preference. if he hates cats, if he tells you he hates cats as soon as he hears that you have a cat and love your cat, he’s an asshole. he’s telling on himself.  

every guy i’ve ever worked with that makes a point of telling me how much he hates cats as soon as i mention that i have a cat and love my cat, is always someone who is regularly cruel for fun and who laughs in the breakroom about the mean things they do for fun to their girlfriends and children. 

I’ve been a prosecutor for as long as I’ve been an attorney. Nowadays, I prosecute child sexual exploitation, and I don’t feel bad at all for the motherfuckers I bury under the jail. 

But are cops bastards? Yes. I can tell you fucking stories of the times I got into screaming, cursing matches with police that I thought were doing a bad job and they didn’t like that I wouldn’t back them up. I can tell you that when I first started in a rural Southern county, the Sheriff told me, “well, I figured they’d hire a n------ or a woman”. I can tell you about my colleague, a Black woman who was a prosecutor, who got pulled over on her way to work multiple times because she was being profiled by the cops she saw in court every day.

Is the criminal justice system broken as fuck? Yes. I hated sending people to prison for drug crimes especially, because hell, if I got caught doing drugs in college, maybe I’d be in the same place. It fucks with you. That’s why I went to the sex offense work, it’s gross and awful and psychologically taxing, but I don’t have to wonder whether I’m prosecuting a victimless crime. I can feel like I’m protecting people instead of persecuting them. And my defendants are mostly white dudes, so my white privilege is a little bit lessened there.

Am I a bastard? Yes but I am a recreational bastard and I would like to be recognized for the hard work I’ve put in to be a bastard in my private life, thank you.

some people need to realize that acab means all cops and  not american cops 

My sexual orientation is bloody Lucifer and bloody Lucifer only

5I lucifer

Why is everyone a mess around here? Someone get Barbatos, quick.

I assume they are talking about the Vesper necklace from Crave, which vibrates (although I don’t know how well it functions as an actual vibrator):

However, I think it also looks a lot like this necklace which I happen to own and can confirm does not operate as a sex toy:

Geometric jewelry like that was very on trend a couple years ago, so I’ve got a couple things like that. Not sure why you wouldn’t be able to find other examples (answer: the vibrator necklace is funnier).

BiTcH wHaT

Unbothered MC

When I get yelled at by opposing counsel, I just stare blankly at them and say “okay” repeatedly til they feel stupid. It’s amazing would recommend 10/10.

You know that in-game scene where we danced with Lucifer in his demon form and he almost crushed our hand? Well, if there was an in-game option, I would've kicked him in his groin for threatening me & almost breaking my hand :p

YES!

I was wondering why the options were so tame 😭

Like where’s the option to pick a fight 🤣

Destroy his pride by destroying his ability to produce kids-