Dont Be Afraid - Blog Posts

Don't be afraid.

They're always watching...

:)

100

shit i felt and did before i got myself a label:

- being weirdly annoyed by my boobs and looking for ways to make them invisible since they barely started to grow. i learned what binder was at the old age of nine. i didn't have enough money of course and i didn't know where i could buy it. so i used simple bandages before they started to annoy me.

- trying to justify the feeling of queerness by telling myself that my parents just raised me that way. they literally did not. i have a very traditional family.

- not taking photos of myself before i started presenting myself in a gender neutral way. if i had choice i would hide on group photos. i rarely took selfies. the only ones I have from that period are of me in a cosplay.

- using male pronouns and masculine grammatical gender on the internet 'for fun'. or phrasing my sentences in a way which would not require using gendered words at all.

- awkwardly laughing when i passed as a boy in front of people who knew me as a girl. not correcting people when i was alone. i loved being ambiguous about my gender when I could.

- being a feminist and fully supporting the use of gendered words for occupations... while not using them to describe myself.

- feeling like i am totally one hundred percent cis because 'i do not feel like i am a man, that' s not me'. gender binary is a bitch.

it took some self-reflection to realize what the 'symptoms' pointed at. yet i did not believe myself at first. i guess it really was fear that kept me from living through my younger years comfortably.

and my government.