Anger Issues - Blog Posts

GUYS, I drew human Benson anyways and I am pretty happy with the result!

I know a pink beard isn’t the most natural thing but y’know some people do dye their beard?

Design also inspired by his “canon” human design (the pilot)

So I was gonna draw a human version of Benson from regular show, but then I realised he already has a human form. Wade Barnes (lordminion777)

Come on you gotta see it

this disability month i ask you to stop making fun of anger management issues and using it as an insult/reason to harass someone

i am not going to be kind about it if you do that you're a fucking piece of shit /srs

This post is so I don't keep the drawing posts so idle while I do a bigger drawing

It's a vent but still-

Growing up with Conduct Disorder is reading Percy Jackson as a kid and knowing you’re a child of Ares

When my friend jokingly takes something from me and it takes everything in me not to strangle her 🤩🤩 (this happens often)

Anger

I had a breakdown again earlier today.

Like something hot and red and ugly and just so much hatred with no target to shoot it on. For some reason I thought is this how Jason Todd had felt? Or maybe is this how Bruce Wayne felt once he grew up and realized how on earth does people like Joe Chill can get away with so little and he in that one night, lost everything he knew?

With so much hatred and anger and just this huge hole in your heart that felt more like it was ripped away from you rather than just being taken? Is this how being angry at the world feels like? Angry at everything that has happened? Is this how craving for vengeance feels like?

I remember being told that revenge has a smell and it is sweet, and almost dizzying like an aphrodisiac.

I remember clutching the front of my shirt and felt how stuck my scream felt in my throat and I can’t just scream it out with my brother across the hallway and my sister downstairs.

I can’t do this, I can’t keep this in, I can’t keep on doing this.

I remember a time we were told that the whole family has anger issues.

Dad is a bomb, ticking and ticking with the time always border lining on 0 every time he tries to pushes us too far to the edge and he seems eager for us to push him back in retaliation.

Mom keeps it in until something bad & ugly & stupid & disrespectful happens from us, and there comes the screams and the glares and the disappointment.

My brother’s anger is physical, he hits you and pulls in some punches just to make you hurt the same way he does.

My sister’s anger is physical as well, but in the way it’s childish because still, she is still a child.

More often than not, her anger pushes dad’s clock to 0 as well and that will sometimes reign in Mom’s disappointment and if it isn’t her pushing it to explode, it will be my brother’s idea of rebellious retaliation.

And I’ll stand there.

Just a soldier, standing still in the minefield as the shots keep flying and the bombs kept giving way.

Silence become my defense as it was never really my weapon.

And growing up with the understanding how much power and destruction a bomb can hold, well I know how dangerous a wrath’s path can be.

So, I reign it in. So, I push every single pure, pure anger that threatens to boil to the surface.

My grief sometimes overcome my anger I think, enough so that I forgot that I can be angry sometimes.

My anger, I think, is physical as well.

My anger, I think, is the opposite of who I fights to become.

My anger, I think, is not a bomb, or a silent glare or a bursting scream.

My anger creeps in, my knuckles throb with every poison that rushes through my vein.

I don’t get angry, I don’t, I won’t, I never.

I don’t get angry because if I do, I don’t know how I’ll face the aftermath of it.

I can feel it, when it pulses, when it tries to fight through the restraints. I can feel it when my veins are filled with adrenaline and the want, the need to just, hurt. I can feel it and I know it’s there ‘because I can feel my eyes harden, I can feel my legs muscle constrict with the will to run towards the anger itself, I can feel my grip tightens around on itself ‘because I want to hit and punch and injure and hurt, hurt, hurt.

And I buries it in.

I learn to let out the insults because it soothes the fire but if you’ve been trapping the flames in an oxygen cavity and keep adding to it without ever giving it a chance to see the light of day, a verbal fight does little to calm it.

I learn that after letting out the insults, to give it time, time to turn it into guilt and grief instead.

Dr K thinks that what I’m doing might as well be the equivalent of driving a brake-less car down the hill only to run into an explosion then crashes down into the ocean with nowhere to escape out of the car.

Like letting in the adrenaline rushes through you only to trap everything in and let it consumes you.

I’ve told her that the analogy was exaggerative, I think.

I’ve crashed at the moment now.

I think it’s ironic that I used the rain and the sound of the crashing waves to calm me down.

I hate being angry.

I hate it because it isn’t me but it proves that it’s a primal instinct of mine when I didn’t bother with my mask.

All of us have masks.

I’ve seen Dad used it around his colleagues or when the topic of Grandpa comes up or when Grandma was talking about her time just around the corner.

I’ve seen Mom used it around her ‘friends’, true or not, and I’ve seen it around us when she’s far too tired and she’s far too aware of her greying hair.

I’ve seen my brother using it the most around us, never being able to settle into his skin even with those who he should trust the most.

I’ve seen it with my sister, the way she brushes off any signs of emotional vulnerability other than irritation ‘because she thought everybody would use it as a weapon against her intelligence.

I’ve seen it in the mirror of the 5-star bathroom at school, the one everybody goes to because it’s the only ones that works. Most of the time, anyways.

I’ve seen it on my friends and I’ve seen it crumbles in the anticipation of days leading up to what was the most important event of our lives as high school students back then.

Someone asked me, if I’ve cried it yet, implying if I’ve succumbed to the world-heavy pressure of the future yet. If I’ve sat down and bawled my eyes out as I realized how short on time we always seemed.

I told them, no.

There are a few strays of tears I’ve let past in the days leading up to it but I know if I sat down properly and let it out – I don’t know how much it’ll take for me to stand up again. Or if I’m ever strong enough for it anyways.

I hate grief.

And I hate my anger even more.

And as my vision blurs with the tears in my eyes that I won’t let out, and my knuckles are white as I grip the box holding in the razors tightly – I wish, I wish I never knew how safe and suffocating a mask can feel.  

Today is the day! Where our neighborhood hothead becomes the center of attention once again!! Please welcome, Sanemi Shinazugawa!! The Wind Pillar! The Suicidal Maniac! The Big Brother! Kanae's Secret Love Intrest! My Unfortunate Comfort Character!!

I just wanna wish him an AMAZING BIRTHDAY!! May he be in denial of his feelings for a bit longer ✨️ But pleasantries aside, why the hell is he so HOT?!? He has so many fucked up scars and weird ass eyes, but he still looks so damn good. He is like a 10 every single day. While I look like a 6 on a great day. AND I HAVE EYEBROWS!!! >:( Am I jealous of the fact that he is so pretty? Yes. Do I care? No. I'm just gonna enjoy his bare chest a while longer.

Steve has a bit of anger issues and a problem with repressed trauma, so i thought it would be so funny if he had got vecna'ed and talked back at vecna like if the mf can't just kill him on the spot.

I just imagine Steve being done with all his bullshit villain talk and calling him a manchild freddy krueger wannabe who is so full of himself even when he has been defeated for three consecutive years by literally kids and teenagers.

Anyway, something something, here is something i wrote about it that i never finished.

—

And okay, Stress Steve didn't know how not to say things; he just gave away whatever thought he may have, it didn't matter if it was venomous or vulnerable, but most of the time just works to embarrass himself saying out loud his dumb thoughts, he just talks and, oh boy, he talks. 

Stress Steve didn't know when to shut up. Steve would say that he could be a Robin 2.0, but it was more about what he said than how much he talked (or rambled in Robin's case), which was more than he liked to admit.

Now, Afraid Steve wasn't much of a talker; he was more of actions, from freezing in place to just move. He gave barely any thought to what he would do, but he did. Maybe just a few seconds, but he analyzed and thought about it. 

Contrary to popular belief, he did think before acting, probably not enough, but he didn't have time to do that (Robin would– and did– argue with him about it).

The point is, when Upside Down shit happens, Stress Steve and Afraid Steve kick in, so he has a weird combination of saying dumb shit and doing even dumber shit, like when he was literally yelling at a child, that child was Erica, and she didn't even bat an eye, but still, you can get the point.

[Insert Steve and Vecna's talk]

So now not only he has Stress Steve and Afraid Steve in his system, Angry Steve has joined the mix, and… listen, Steve is trying really hard to be a better person, he really is, scout's honor, but he knows that he can hurt people with his words. 

He would see the deepest insecurity and sore spot he could find and spit in it to make the other bleed, make them hurt, and if he couldn't find it, he would instead make them snap. Yeah, he is trying to stop, but it is a part of him that it doesn’t quite go. It's in his blood. His DNA, or whatever.

He knows himself (he had to know himself if he wanted to be a better person– he doesn’t dare to think he can be a good person, just better, never good). That’s why he tries to just have Stress and Afraid Steve around when shit hits the fan because in the first round, Angry Steve appeared, and everyone knows how that went (I'm sorry Jonathan, I did deserve that punch). So Angry Steve is most of the time locked in a cage, deep down in some part of the still healthy brain that Steve has left.

Anyway, that doesn’t matter now, because Angry Steve has come out and is ready to spit at anyone who crosses his path, and maybe Stress and Afraid Steve can keep him on a leash, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t there. Steve is just lucky enough that the one who crosses his path is Vecna.

How good is his luck that the moment he wants to make someone angry just like him, the other one is a monster from another dimension that has quite literally his life in his hands and can kill him in any moment, ha.

Just his luck.

—

“Steve, What did you do?”

"I may or may not have called Vecna a Freddy Kruger wanna be"