If It Doesn't Look Like Porn Featuring A Highly Specific Fetish, Is It Really An Unus Annus Video?

Surviving IKEA

Never enter near closing hours.

Do not mispronounce IKEA product names. What you summon will haunt you.

Do not trust the arrows.

Walls shift and new ones appear out of nowhere.

Avoid, at any cost, staying after closing hours.

Do not ask employees for directions to the exit. Most of them have been trapped inside the building ever since they signed the contract. These once happy and good people have grown spiteful. Do not trust them. They want you to stay.

Make the bed after trying it out. It makes them less angry.

In case you are trapped:

Find John. He has lived in the store for six years, unnoticed.

Avoid eye contact with employees roaming around.

Hide whenever possible.

The ghost families living in the showrooms won’t betray you.

Do not steal any pencils. It will give away your position.

Avoid walking through the bed area. The creatures sleeping there won’t appreciate your presence.

When music from the 30s starts blasting through the speakers, Walter, the handyman, has noticed you and wants to drive his screwdriver through your ear.

Run.

He often shouts jokes chasing you followed by the laughter of IKEA personnel echoing throughout the store. Never let your guard down.

Open as many wardrobes as you can. Some of them are magic portals. Pray that you find one in time before he finds you.

Only go through a portal when absolutely necessary. What you find on the other side is often not pleasant.

If there is no other option, try pronouncing the name of the IKEA furniture closest to you. The ground will start to shake. Prepare yourself for the worst.

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Big pet peeve, we need room, we don’t want to hit you, you really don’t want to get hit (and don’t cross the road in the middle of the block, guard and band)

From someone who has performed at Disney..

Please don’t walk next to us while on a parade route, and if you do, please watch your distance. I marched with my color guard in Magic Kingdom. We have restrictions as to how we perform. We can’t toss. Are can’t fully extend our arms. We have to leave 3-5 feet between us and the sidewalk or wherever guests are. And the last time I was in a parade there was a woman walking at least a foot next to me as I was spinning. I kept trying to miss her as I was doing my routine, but unfortunately I did hit her a few times because she was walking next to me. If you are family recording us, and you know the distance we are supposed to be, that’s fine. But this was someone who was blatantly walking next to me, paying no attention to the six foot pole I was spinning. So please. If you are watching the parades, keep your distance. Thank you.

I actually had a chance and I think that’s what hurt the most.

- I’m a dumbass

Basically a sum of today’s Unus Annus video….

Thank you for nothing, Angela.