“She’s A Basic Bitch With A Basic Calculator”

"I dream of being attacked by birds..."

“It should be easier once we get rid of the pile of noses...”

-My mother, not making nearly as much without context

"I can't believe people live in California..."

"Default fonts hurt my soul..."

"I'm not gonna finish that sentence for legal reasons."

"I am feeling emotions and I am not sure how to deal with it."

“We thought it was a toilet chain!”

-My grandma, talking about my great grandmother’s very expensive jewelry

"Can you live without a brain?"

"I hate it when people find my corpse..."

“Jaffa cakes are terrifying!”

-My friend, who is genuinely scared of the orange part of Jaffa cakes