spectrum-speculation
Analyzing human customs from the outside
156 posts
Latest Posts by spectrum-speculation
“One of the key aspects of the experience of being autistic is that of having a ‘spiky’ or ‘uneven’ set of abilities and capacities. It is the feeling of many on the spectrum however, that this spiky profile is often unrecognised by service providers and support workers.
Verbal ‘autistic people’ are often incorrectly assumed to be capable in areas in which they struggle, whilst those with less verbal skills are often incorrectly assumed to be lacking in skills, ‘strengths’, ability or potential.”
Damian Milton, 2012
What is autistic masking, and how does it affect mental health?
This is a common topic of discussion in the autistic community, but I haven’t ever written a post specifically about it before. So, here it is: a thorough explanation of what masking is, examples of it, what causes it, and why it can be harmful but sometimes necessary.
Masking is when autistic people disguise (mask) our autistic traits & behaviors, by replacing them with more “socially acceptable” (read: neurotypical) mannerisms and actions. Usually, we do this to fit into neurotypical social situations, including our schools and workplaces. Masking can require careful internal thought, and often results in a state of heightened vigilance and awareness of one’s body and how it is being perceived by others.
Autistic people are taught from a young age, whether by our families or by society at large, that the way we interact with the world is wrong. We are told that we need to look people in the eyes, smile and nod when spoken to by authority figures, sit still, and have “quiet hands.” All this, despite the fact that most of us find eye contact overwhelming, have to stim to meet our sensory needs, and find it easiest to communicate in unconventional ways.
We are taught that in order to be accepted by our peers, we have to mimic their mannerisms and speech patterns. We have to learn to fit in. Many of us try this, but it’s exhausting work. Things that seem to come naturally to other people are a constant, conscious effort on our part.
The absolute exhaustion and painful overload that happens when we mask can lead to awful meltdowns, and even long-term autistic burnout. When I was in kindergarten and elementary school, I masked all day. I didn’t let myself stim. I was a model student. I smiled and made eye contact with everyone. And when I got home, almost every day, I had massive meltdowns. Screaming, sobbing, violent meltdowns. Many of them lasted for 30 to 40 minutes, but some went on for 3 hours.
It was these meltdowns that led my parents to seek an autism diagnosis for me, which I received at 8 years old, after years of suffering from the effects of masking my autistic traits at school. Because I didn’t know I was autistic, I thought I should be acting like the neurotypical people around me. I wanted to please my teachers, and I wanted to make friends. I was extremely sensitive to criticism from teachers, so I did everything in my power to avoid it.
I distinctly remember seeing fellow autistic classmates with higher support needs wearing ear defenders, and wishing I had my own pair that I could wear to school. I wished that I could stim like them. I wished that I could have sensory breaks like them. But I couldn’t, because I wasn’t diagnosed, and besides: when you’re deemed “high functioning,” you’re expected to mask no matter what the cost is to your wellbeing.
My ability to mask, coupled with my extremely high measurable intelligence, was cause for me to be diagnosed with “mild, high functioning Aspergers.” Nevermind the fact that I still couldn’t bathe myself at 9 years old, that I had to be restrained by my parents for them to brush my teeth, or the fact that I continued to have meltdowns so violent that I broke several doors.
Because I was labeled “high functioning,” I was expected to mask my autistic traits at school and at home. But once I discovered that I was autistic, I rebelled against that mandate. At 9 years old, I started stimming more, exploring more comfortable speech patterns, and reconnecting with my senses. My parents told me to “stop acting more autistic.” But I was just rediscovering parts of myself I had lost.
Now that I’m older, I know myself. There are certain circumstances where I know that masking is a good idea, because otherwise I won’t be able to obtain certain educational or job opportunities. It’s an unfortunate reality that autistic mannerisms and behaviors are still seen as undesirable and unwanted in most professional settings.
So when I’m in those settings, I unmask as much as I can, when I can. I take vestibular stimming breaks in the bathroom. I vocal stim when other people aren’t around. I play with the rings on my hands.
But it’s still difficult. It’s still exhausting. It still takes a toll on me. I have to be aware of my posture, the position of my legs, the movements of my arms and hands, the nature of my facial expressions, the social appropriateness of my words, and more.
And that is why, more than anything, I want society to become more aware and accepting of autistic behavior and body language.
I want to live in a world where I can jump and flap and squeal in public, and instead of staring at me, people laugh and smile with joy. I want to live in a world where adults wearing ear defenders are taken seriously and treated with respect. I want to live in a world where autistic people of color are not at risk of being shot and killed for stimming or having meltdowns in public.
Unmasking will look different for everyone. But I want all of you to know that each public act of autistic expression is revolutionary. I want you to know that flapping your hands in the supermarket is a battle cry. I want you to know that wearing ear defenders in public is to wear a badge of honor. I want you to know that defying the rules in a world not built for you, standing your ground and existing despite attempts to make you disappear, is the bravest thing a person can do. We are warriors, and one day we will win. Remember that.
~Eden🐢
movie recs?
I was going to post a different list, but right now it is only films about Afghanistan and by Afghan filmmakers that matter.
by Afghan (& Iranian) filmmakers:
An Apple from Paradise (2010), dir. Homayun Morowat
Black Kite (2017), dir. Tarique Qayumi
The Black Tulip (2010), dir. Sonia Nassery Cole
Chand metre moka'ab eshgh/A Few Cubic Meters of Love (2014), dir. Jamshid Mahmoudi
Hava, Maryam, Ayesha (2019), dir. Sahraa Karimi
Kabuli Kid (2008), dir. Barmak Akram
Khakestar-o-khak/Earth and Ashes (2004), dir. Atiq Rahimi
Namai ba rahis gomhor/A Letter to the President (2017), dir. Roya Sadat
Opium War (2008), dir. Siddiq Barmak
Osama (2003), dir. Siddiq Barmak
Panj é asr/At Five in the Afternoon (2003), dir. Samira Makhmalbaf
Parwareshghah/The Orphanage (2019), dir. Shahrbanoo Sadat
Safar e Ghandehar/Kandahar (2001), dir. Mohsen Makhmalbaf
Syngué sabour, pierre de patience/The Patience Stone (2012), dir. Atiq Rahimi
Utopia (2015), dir. Hassan Nazer
Wolf and Sheep (2016), dir. Shahrbanoo Sadat
Zolykha's Secret (2006), dir. Horace Shansab
by Western directors:
In This World (2002), dir. Michael Winterbottom
Jirga (2018), dir. Benjamin Gilmour
The Kite Runner (2007), dir. Marc Forster
Mina Walking (2015), dir. Yosef Baraki
Documentaries:
16 Days in Afghanistan (2007), dir. Anwar Hajher
Angels Are Made Of Light (2018), dir. James Longley
Frame by Frame (2015), dir. Alexandria Bombach & Mo Scarpelli
Kabul, City in the Wind (2018), dir. Aboozar Amini
Learning to Skateboard in a Warzone (If You're a Girl) (2019), dir. Carol Dysinger
No Burqas Behind Bars (2012), dir. Maryam Ebrahimi & Nima Sarvestani
The Silhouettes (2020), dir. Afsaneh Salari
Taxi to the Dark Side (2007), dir. Alex Gibney*
A Thousand Girls Like Me (2018), dir. Sahra Mani
What Tomorrow Brings (2015), dir. Beth Murphy
- Sahraa Karimi's account of escaping from Kabul
- The women’s film collective Women Make Movies (WMM) based out of New York is streaming nine films that touch upon the lives of Afghan women from their catalogue for free during the month of August.
*This is the only film that I will include that discusses Western intervention in Afghanistan as it is a powerful critique of the topic; and I have consciously excluded most other documentaries that almost exclusively focus on the experiences of Western military soldiers which do not matter in the slightest.
Thanks Mom!
Image: A photo of a lion crouched defensively in front of her very young cubs, mouth open in a ferocious snarl. The cubs are labeled “autistic youth” and “autistic kids” and the lion is labeled “me.”
I mostly post on my twitter these days, and I’ve been enjoying making memes like this one.
has anyone ever had the problem where you literally never want to do anything that you cannot reap benefits from immediately
like maybe I’m hungry but everything I have in the house at the moment would take 10+ minutes to prepare so I just……put off making the food for WAY longer than it would have taken to prepare the food when I first got hungry
Or i want to order some necessary thing online but the website says it will take a week to get here and i’m like “oh well fuck that” so I put off ordering it for like a week
Or if im like “I should clean my room because I like when it’s clean” but I know it’ll take me a couple hours so I don’t do it for like six months
It’s like there are only two times for me: right this instant and The Entire Rest Of The Future.
Any other autistic people start singing when they can’t get their words out properly?
I’ve always found it easier to just sing what I was going to say when my brain craps out, and apparently your brain uses different parts for singing and speech, so I’m wondering if it’s just me.
Sometimes noise is all consuming and you can feel yourself fading out of reality.
The whole world is exhausting. Constantly trying to deal with sensory input and confusing scenarios is energy consuming but the most tiring part is having to pretend that you aren’t finding any of it difficult.
It’s okay to need to show the fact that you are struggling. Autism, isn’t shameful and we should not have to hide it.
Sending suicide bait to somebody you know is suicidal is one of the lowest things you can do. Sending it proves your personality is nothing but a trail of slime between the dumpster you came from and wherever your trashy leaking ass is right now.
Thanks for proving your true character. You’re somebody who is both cruel and too spineless to put their name on what they say.
You’re cowardly bullies and nothing more.
To the people dealing with this kind of anon bullshit, you’re worth more than their trashy words want you to believe. Don’t give in to them. Rise above it. They choose hate. You don’t have to absorb their self loathing or reflect it back. You’re not a mirror or a black hole. You are a light and they are mere shadows hiding behind their gray masks.
PSA
i’ve been seeing this post a lot lately:
which means a whole lot of you don’t know the difference between an intrusive thought and an impulsive thought.
intrusive thoughts are a symptom of ocd and many other disorder, they are upsetting and often graphic, they are thoughts you do not want and that scare you, commonly thoughts about doing something violent or about abuse. i suffer from intrusive thoughts, they are triggering and upsetting and yes, dark or about killing people.
an impulse can also be a symptom of a disorder, impulses are not inherently bad and are just your brain telling you to do things with no thought as to why. some can be unpleasant, but they can also be things like “cut all your hair off” or “eat the cardboard”.
please stop saying that intrusive thoughts and impulses are the same thing, you are only adding to the stigma and misunderstanding people with intrusive thoughts face.
thank you.
The truth is: the whole point of dying is to be scared. Because that means that your life meant something to you. You should fear dying. You should be terrified of it. Even though it's natural, even though it's going to happen, even though you should come to terms with it in a certain way, and go through the feeling of it , and have a relationship with it. You also should acknowledge the fact that when it's gonna happen, no matter how much you prepare, you're gonna be terrified. Because life does mean something.
Claire Wineland, YouTube video
The whole point of being alive is that you are alive! And that you can make something with this. That we're a tangible… You know, we're literally the manifestation of some kind of underlying brilliance to how everything works. We are in physical form, and we're relating with the physical world around us. And at the same time we are consciously relating to the world around us. And consciousness in and of itself is just a physical manifestation… Right, it's neurons firing, it's chemical synapses-it's all of that. Right? So that's incredible! It's incredible, and you feel that it's incredible when you're dying. And that's the most difficult about it-is that you're laying there, and you're a little kid, and you wanna hold your mom's hand, and you wanna cry and you wanna hold on, because you feel how incredible it is to be alive. And not in a corny way, not in a stupid, fake inspirational bullshit way-in a genuine, "I don't wanna give this up" kind of way.
Claire Wineland, YouTube video
[Image description: A photograph of a pretty twenty-year-old woman. Her name is Claire Wineland. She wears glasses and also an oxygen canula that fits into her nose, wraps around her ears and fastens under her chin. She has brown hair that reaches down to her shoulders. She is giving us a big smile, showing lots of front teeth. End of image description.]
“We’re the manifestation of some kind of underlying brilliance...”
Claire Wineland lived a beautiful, joyful life while suffering from CF (cystic fibrosis). At the end of August, she received a lung transplant, hoping this might give her a new lease on life. Sadly, she died of a blood clot on September second.
During her life she shared many of her experiences, her sense of humor, and a lot of deep wisdom in her YouTube videos. You should watch them.
Claire Wineland YouTube Channel
She also started Claire’s Place Foundation, which provides financial and emotional support to families living with CF. If you can, please donate.
Claire’s Place Foundation
Here’s an example of her wisdom from her YouTube video, “What it feels like to die.” In it, she describes her experience of dying, up to the point when she lost consciousness and then was saved by medical intervention.
so sweet
@ everyone within a five-mile radius of me, prepare to hear about literally everything that’s ever happened in critical role, there is no escape.
what i say to THEM
don’t worry: your lack of kindness and empathy is only a black hole that’s swallowing your soul.
My experience with some people…
Source: unknown to me.
thank you cereal! thank you rice milk! thank you oreos! and diet coke
without you i would die of starvation
how to eat anything not comprised mostly of carbs and or sugar
Polish language
Czy pani mowi po polski?
me: develops a sudden but casual interest
hyperfixation: *jaws theme*
today it was Wieniawski violin concerto
autism problem #1218
When you have to turn your music up so loud it nearly hurts but its to drown out all the gross feeling sounds from elsewhere
sometimes it’s hard to believe in the me of tomorrow
but i shall try
because jessica says so
Current feeling: The you of today is just as wonderful as the you of tomorrow. You needn’t strive to be anything but true to yourself ♥️ . I’m in bad pain and I can’t really think coherently (it’s taken me all day to write this!) but that doesn’t mean that the me of tomorrow, who has less pain and can think clearly, is any more worthy of being listened to or taking up space. If you’re feeling pants today please take my love and hold it in your soul ♥️ . This hair was created with thanks to the @laurenrennells pin curl tool! It’s excellent for victory rolls and honestly one of the best things I’ve ever received in the post! (Not sponsored, I’m just obsessed with hair stuff 😅) . Pearls: #truevintage Dress: @british_retro Lipstick: @barrymcosmetics ’Paparazzi’ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . #JessicaOutOfTheCloset #disabodyposi #vintagehairtutorial #redhead #hairtutorial #disabilitypride #redhead #pinup #vintage #pinupdoll #barrym #vintagehair #barrymcosmetics #ootdsocialclub #chronicallyfabulous #vintagedoll #vintageglam #hairinspo #easyhairstyles #uniquevintage #vintageglamdolls #easyupdo (at Brighton and Hove)
i love phose
