The Fact That Nobody Has Yet Written A Fanfic Of Elodie, Tabitha And Moe Being In A Polyamorous Queerplatonic

I feel like I'm unwanted, to my family, you know? Like, um, yesterday my grandpa and I were arguing a bit. I was eating Lay's and he wanted to check what company or something makes it, so while I was eating it he grabbed the packet and twisted it to see and I whined and I was like bad manners, I'm eating, how can you do that while I'm eating - in a whiney tone so that it wouldn't be rude cause they're elders and I can't show anger. And then he got pissed off and was you have so many bad manners, you trouble us and stuff, and then I was like there's a difference between bad manners and that, manners is like please and thank you and excuse me and all that - I was saying everything in a jokey tone, and the argument escalated and my grandpa was like what do you know, you know nothing, you are nothing and that just, fuck, that just hits differently y'know? Something like that.

And um, later on, before dinner, I was lurking around the kitchen cause my mom and grandma were there and I wanted to interact with people. And I was trying not to block the way, but I accidentally did and my grandma was like can you both (at me) give me some peace/quiet/space ( a Malayalam word, that's a rough translation ) - and she's like I'm going to die soon from all this hardwork and stuff, and looking after you (me) is enough for that to happen.

And my mom has MA psych classes and she's always in the room okay, the whole day, and sometimes it feels like that's all she cares about, she never wants to talk to me, never listens when I do talk, always looks at her phone, tries to get away as soon as she finishes eating - the only time she comes out - even if I'm sitting alone in the dining room, the last person to finish. So due to all that, sometimes I go into the room to annoy her in between classes because atleast I'll get some sort of attention, y'know? It's childish, I'm aware, but yeah. And my mom gets super pissed at me and stuff. And it usually is funny, but sometimes it just, it just feels like no one wants me around

In my family

This is my mom's family btw. My dad's family does want me around, but over there I'm nervous of criticism and judgement and stuff, because yeah. And I don't feel that comfortable talking to them because I don't know what to talk about cause it's unpredictable what they find unacceptable and wrong.

And my dad wants me to go to his place cause we've been at my mom's for quite a long time, but I don't want to because my kitten is here and it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the kitty there for many reasons and also because I like the vibe here - the place's vibe, if that makes sense. This house feels better, this area feels better, it feels good. So that's also conflicting.

I just feel like I'm just an annoyance or a burden to my family. And I don't know, I feel super upset

I want people to stop being mean to me, and rude to me. I want them to be nice, but I know I can't control what they say or do and I just feel so fucking horrible

Why are adults so mean to kids

Why do they use tones which seem like they just want to do whatever duty they have and then get rid of me

It's like, when they're angry or upset at me, they say horrible things. My grandpa uses bad language and my grandma would be like (they built a house in Palakkad - a village area, a few years ago because they were planning to move there. But my grandpa wanted to stay here because he wanted to be there for me and all, so they rented out the house) 'we should've gone to Palakkad, I told you (to my grandpa), but noo, you wanted stay here to fix your grandchild, it's all your fault' and stuff. So they just say whatever comes to their mouth without any consideration and that fucking sucks

I don't have any adult I can open up to. I used to open up to my uncle, but he kind of betrayed that, used it against me when he was worried/upset about me, in front of everyone. So I can't trust him anymore. And I told him I'd never be able to open up to him again when we talked about the issue and solved it. And I have no one else in my family, no other adult whom I can be emotionally vulnerable with.

that bpd moment when you've been in an emotionally drained mood™ for a while and a small thing finally tips you over, and everyone things the latter is the reason you're having an emotional meltdown/breakdown and you don't know how to explain that it's cause of your hellfuck disorder not just that petty thing

I feel like something's missing - inside. Like, I don't want to go back home, well, I'm not having any mental breakdowns of wanting to go back home, and I don't mind staying here, but there's this feeling of something missing, a lack of something, a hollow feeling, something inside. It's weird and it's not sitting right with me and I don't know what to say or do and I feel so urghhh, kind of restless inside but not like actively restless, and I don't even knowwww

There's so much that's changed, so many changes and it's making me feel so weird and I keep repeating weird because my emotions have been repressed, I can't feel anything and I'm kind of scared because I know that I ought to feel bad and have breakdowns but I'm not, I'm passively going through all this - things that I know should make me have an episode aren't affecting me at all in the sense that nothing's getting past the no feeling vaala wall and I don't even know what to do about it. I know it's not healthy and yeah maybe I'll regret this when I do finally have a breakdown but rn I'm blank and I can cognitively think what I ought to feel but I can't feel things properly and it's dangerous and fuck

my social dysphoria acts up every time my cousin (9 years old) talks to me about bras, boobs and the such because it sounds like "girl talk" and it makes me feel sick, and I wish I were a boy sometimes (I'm NOT trans, I'm an agender girl, I say this because I don't want her to feel this comfortable having girl talks with me) so that she wouldn't be so open. sometimes to irritate me/annoy me, she describes how she imagines me with a saree and mailaanji and long hair and pottu and ornaments and stuff and I feel like crying and puking at the same time because I hate it I hate it I hate it, I'm not a girl I'm not a girl I'm not a girl stop stop atop

I feel this heavy nauseating feeling in my chest, throat and tummy when I hear anything akin to that, it's so revolting and I think I'm out of words to describe how fucking horrible I feel when she does stuff like this. It's not funny, gosg, it's NOT FUCKING FUNNY STO STOP STIO

And eventhough I tell her ewww and to stop saying stuff like that, she doesn't take me seriously, she's like, it's not realll, I'm just imagining it. and everyone wants me to dress decently because I'm a girl and I shouldn't be showing so much skin, revealing my body parts and other bullshit like that. AND ALL THIS IS TRIGGERRING MY SOCIAL DYSPHORIA AND FUCK EVERYTHING

I don't want to have "girl" talks with my cousins, I don't mind answering their questions - I'm one of the only people who give proper answers, so she asks me - but I don't like how it seems as a "bonding" moment, because it's not, it's not, it's not. There's nothing to bond over, I'm not like her, I'm not a girl and I hate this so fucking much. I hate when I'm considered a part of "women", and that when I grow up I may become a "wife" (I'm talking about the terms my family uses), and it sickens me. I feel disgusted and I hate it.

But I love my body. I don't gender my body, it doesn't have a gender, it's just my body, with it's parts. I don't want to be considered a girl - the identity of a girl - just because I have boobs and a vagina. I am agender. Call me a girl, but don't consider me one. Demigirl makes more sense, but I don't want to considered a girl even if it's in half. I'm agender, but the only "feminine" label I can tolerate is 'girl', maybe because it refers to young kids? and it alludes to not having an openly sexed, "female" body, but 'women' alludes to being a mature female, and it rubs me the wrong way - I don't know if this'll make sense to someone else, but it makes sense to me and I wish that's all that matters. And that is all that matters. But I want others to consider me agender too. URGH.

cw : mention of death/s*icidal ideation; original content, based on prompt idea by @writingprompts365

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Sunshine meant people; sunshine meant people, chatter, and moving about, forced to be a functional human being who had to survive in proper society. They hated how looking after their beloved pet had been turned into a chore by their family, how helping around seemed more like being ordered around; the injustice of never having a moment of peace and quiet, never having a moment of respite to themselves, the dread of having to be extraverted when the only thing they wanted to do was learn and write and read and goddamnit- be alone. But moonlight. Moonlight meant everything holy, precious, and hopeful. It meant dancing in the living room, eating cold chicken, listening to music on full blast, infinite creativity. Alas, nights were too short to fit one’s entire life into. Sleep was for the strong – for the ones who could manage time and socialization, for those who could live with people, for those who didn’t fall apart when denied solace in their own arms. They were weak, they did not sleep; if days were for existing, and nights were for living, had they not dreamed of dying for far too long to deserve to want to live?  

A character knows they should go to sleep but they purposefully do something else instead

It's all support people with ADHD until they-- act "irresponsibly", ask for "special treatment", exhibit "difficult" symptoms.

It's all support people with BPD until they--act "immature", are "too sensitive", "unnecessarily emotional"

And so much more that I don't have the energy to list.

Fuck this shit.

I feel like I'm a bad feminist, a fake feminist because my family doesn't let me wear the clothes I want while going out from home. I have to either fucking ask for permission or have a huge ass argument just to wear what i want and I feel like I d o nt have control over my own body that I'm not the owner of my own body that I'm 2 fucking 1 years old and I still have to deal with this shit and I want to cry and scream and punch something

i love lgbt people with bpd or other identity disturbance disorders because its like… its so difficult to know where you fit in in this world when your brain is telling you to change who you are every single day, when your brain is telling you one thing this day and the other thing the next day, when you are constantly filled with the desire to reinvent yourself.

it is difficult even as a non-lgbt person, but when you have this identity thats supposed to be static but doesnt feel static to you at all then its just all the harder, you feel like youre faking but you deep down know that youre not, yet your labels keep changing and it makes it hard to convince the outside world of who you are and to convince them to take you seriously

all my love goes out to us lgbt people with identity disturbance disorders, we struggle so hard but itll get easier with time

you know what I've gradually come to realize? you don't have to be good at things to do them. you don't have to be good at studying to want to learn; you don't have to be good at remembering to want to read; you don't have to be good at dancing to dance (and have solo dance parties in the middle of the night); you don't have to be good at singing to sing (and serenade your best friends while drunk); you don't have to be good at following the rules of a language to write; you don't have to be good at art to create art (or paint in children's coloring books); you don't have to be good at relationships to love; you don't have to good at staying updated on the appropriate terms to use to care about humans and social justice; and you don't have to be good at being a person to live.

please :)) stop :)) sexualising :)) my :)) body :))

do adults even understand that when they tell a teenager to stop wearing sleeveless tops and short shorts, they're inadvertently sexualising their body? do they realise that when they tell a teenager to close their legs while sitting and dress decently, they're sexualising their body? do they realise that telling a teenager that they can't wear what they're comfortable with even at home, they're making it an unsafe space for them? do they realise that telling a teenager that if or when people come over and see them in those clothes, or if they step out of the door and their neighbours look into their house and see them wearing those clothes, they'll think it's shameful and indecent, hence they should stop wearing such clothes, they're thus giving more importance to other people, and placing the responsibility of not being viewed sexually on the teen? do they realise that when you tell your kid that now she's above 18 (19), she needs to understand all this, they're sexualising her body? huh?????? huhhhhh????????

ALSO, if I feel good enough in my body to wear sleeveless tops with large holes, and short shorts, then why do you care??! it's my fucking body, not yours. if you feel uncomfortable with me wearing such clothes then stop fucking looking at my with such a messed up mindset, stop regarding my body as a sexual entity. nothing is inherently sexual except for sex, get that through your fucking head. not how you keep yours legs, not what you wear, not even the kink community is sexual unless the specific acts are sexual. nudity isn't inherently sexual either. it's all about personal choice and consent and I've internalised this so much, so well, that even the slightest remark which is narrow-minded or conservative pisses me off. urgh.