You Know What I Realised? How Conditioned We Are To Be Mean, To Be Rude, To Be Tough. From Parents Being

Sleep schedule - when talking to therapist about it - I said she knows she said I'm getting enough sleep so okay - your therapist is stupid then - good thing she's not yours then - proper vitamin d what's the point of great mental health 40 years from now when your body can't absorb stuff properly - many people share my sleep schedule

I DON'T CARE I DON'T FUCKING CARE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW IF I'LL BE ALIVE IN 40 YEARS

I've been sleeping earlier but now that he's telling me to it's like added pressure and I'm not gonna, like fuck, why can't people just leave me alone. It's like he was waiting till he could finally switch to advjcing me

I laugh at how redundant people sound when they whine about how youth nowadays get offended by everything and anything. Don’t get me wrong, laughter isn’t the only things it arouses, it also boils my blood to no end.

Youth nowadays don’t get offended over everything and anything, they get angry over things that matter- things that were once brushed away and ignored, things that ought to be taken into consideration, things that are considered deviant from the “norm” and hence not acknowledged or spoken about. Of course people would become angry if you preached about loving your family no matter what, despite what they say to you or despite how they treat you, when there are kids being verbally, physically and emotionally abused by their family members. Of course people would become angry if you automatically assumed everyone in your class was cissexual and heterosexual when being queer isn’t a hidden fact. Of course people would become angry if you spoke about sin and religion in a subjective manner, thereby erasing and refusing to validate non-believers; if your faith is important to you, then their faith is important to them. Of course people would become angry if you joked about and used terms which were used and is still being used to oppress and perpetuate prejudice against marginalized groups/communities.

It’s not about being “politically correct”, it’s about understanding that different people come from different backgrounds, different social groups and different statuses with different experiences and different histories. It’s about acknowledging the fact that language has been used as a tool to oppress, demean and discriminate against people for years and years. It’s about knowing that “normal” doesn’t exist and speaking only about what is considered a societal “norm” would obviously ignite backlash and anger.  

You may call it being sensitive, you may call it being a social justice warrior, you may call it being a buzzkill (keeping the last one for later), but what I don’t understand is why you use those terms in a pejorative manner. What’s so wrong with being sensitive to other people’s hardships and feelings? What’s so wrong in wanting to fight for social justice? What’s so wrong in not laughing at something that’s not supposed to be funny in the first place?

You call it being a buzzkill, I call it having a good sense of humor.

 Why are you so offended when someone calls you out? Why do you take it as personal offense/attack when someone tells you your joke wasn’t funny, but bigoted? Why do you get riled up when someone calls you discriminatory? Who’s the snowflake here?

It was always offensive, now people just have the confidence to call out your bullshit and a support system to back them up when they do so.  

you think that someone understands you, that someone in your family finally gets you, but then it turns out that - nope, not really. it was all pretend, all fake, nothing deep, nothing genuine. they never understood, they tried to, maybe pretended to, but they never truly did. I opened up to my uncle about how I couldn't commit to anything and about me having no motivation and even sent him snippets from my diary about how guilty I felt that I'm wasting my family's money and effort and stuff like that, and he used it against me. He fucking used it against. He tried to get me to rejoin this online yoga class but I didn't want to, so he threatened me. He said that he'd pay for an entire year's worth of classes and I'll have to attend it then. Said that I wouldn't be able to stop in the middle cause I'd feel guilty/then it would mean I had no value for his money. I confronted him a few days after, asking him why he did that and he explained that he was concerned about my health, really, genuinely terrified because he knew how horrible bad physical health was because he, himself suffered a lot and he didn't want that for me - so even though he didn't know the impact that would have on my mental health, he knew the impact bad physical health would have on me, he kind of risked the unknown for the known (mental health for physical health). I don't agree with what he did, nor will I ever be able to open up to him again, but I understood where he was coming from and I striked a deal with him. Anyway, that's that. Then he continued proving that he doesn't truly get it. He tried to tell my mom to control me and take away my phone/laptop so that I would be forced to sleep early cause I wouldn't have anything else to do. Bear in mind that he's there's a lot of family dynamic that I'm not mentioning, so he's not the worst, or even bad, per say. But I guess I kinda jinxed it when I told my mom that he's the only one who understands me in the family a long time ago, I guess that's biting me in the ass. I don't know if I can ever open up to him or show vulnerability to anyone again - family I mean. I had told him I get bad thoughts at night, intrusive, dark thought long ago and he pointed that out today too, in front of my mom - though she was on her phone and prolly didn't hear, but still. I hate adults. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. They're never transparent, never straight with you. They could use anything you tell them against you when they feel like they're at their wit's end. And I fucking can't. I'm fragile okay, I'm fragile and sensitive and I can't handle all this. I just want to not exist anymore - I'm NOT going to kill myself, but I just want to die.

White Man's Burden

Ethnocentrism :

The poem rests on the themes of ethnocentrism and racism. The very reason white people find it okay or even acceptable to conquer and change other cultures is because they believe theirs is the superior culture-- they are the better, more progressive, educated, civilised nation. This cultural superiority complex comes from the unnecessary comparison of the latter to the former on the basis on Eurocentric standards of comparison.

Coloniasm, Imperialism and White Saviour Complex :

Kipling portrays the white man as a philanthropic, selfless rescuer whose duty is to educate and civilise non-white people in order to make their lives better, make them more progressive and save them from their primitive lifestyle. It seems as if white men have internalised the facade they intended to show the world, and themselves believe to be saviors of "savages" and "uncivilized" people.

Patriarchal Masculinity :

Not once does Kipling mention women in his poem. It is considered a man's duty to conquer and save others, responsibilities boys are supposed to fulfill to "become a man" or reach manlihood. But it is important to note that his poem wouldn't automatically become more progressive or better in any way even if he did include women- the fact remains that though the poem is patriarchal, the major issue is white saviour complex and ethnocentrism.

things allies can do this pride month to show their support instead of just "happy pride" posts/messages :

casually mention queer stuff around children instead of censoring it.

make your language more inclusive.

stop perpetuating gender essentialism. especially when it comes to periods, sex and so on (eg. "things only women will understand about periods" / "all men are sexual, it's in their nature" etcetc are huge ass no no's).

normalise asexuality and aromanticism - stop placing so much emphasis on "finding the perfect partner", toxic monogamy culture, placing romantic relationships highest on a relationship hierarchy, making sex out to be a "natural need" that no human can resist etcetc.

watch media/read books or works/listen to music featuring queer characters or by queer people.

spread awareness and call in people when you witness them being queerphobic, exclusionary or ignorant; yes, even your family.

support queer activism and activists.

if women's day is more than just "appreciate and respect your sister/mother/daughter", pride month is more than just acceptance for a few loved ones who're queer (however important that may be).

My maternal grandma and I were talking about large age gaps in relationships and the importance of sex education, especially for women and I was ranting about all this to her.

My mom and my grandma never had proper sex education. So whatever they learned, they had to learn from their older, much more educated husbands. And no matter how much a good person your husband is, in such a situation, there will be some amount of grooming/manipulation involved - consciously or unconsciously. They'll teach their wives things they like, they'll only impart limited knowledge - they can only teach another person things they know, so if they don't know anything about women's pleasure, they won't know how to tell their wives either. And purposely or not, they might only teach their wives things they like - so a woman believes that these are things they *have* to do while having sex, things they *have* to do in a marriage to make their husbands happy and they could live their whole life not knowing what they like/want. It's so easy for husbands to take advantage of their wives. Even if it's in a tiny way, still. And they might not give them proper sex education, sex education from an "objective" perspective. Moreover, if the husband is conservative and believes in sex only for procreation, they won't even try to make their wives feel good and their wives wouldn't know any better!

But this same man may have gone through pronographic magazines or whatever when he was younger, he may already know about male pleasure. He might have already explored his likes and dislikes, but his wife never got that chance, and now she never will.

It's all so fucking messed up.

My grandma agreed with me tho, completely.

I'm sick of people.

Louis and Harry are together.

Louis is queer.

Harry is queer.

They're not out in the sense that they literally said so but it's even if you think Larry isn't real, Harry and Louis as two seperate individuals are both queer which is obvious in the way they're throwing out signs hinting at left and right, hoping people see/hear them.

Due to the whole Policeman movie debacle, I'm going to be talking about Harry here. In a hypothetical world if Harry weren't actually queer (trans/not-straight), then it'd mean he'd been queerbaiting with all his jokes/hints/insinuations about gender and sexuality (non-cishet vaala). Which would make him a problematic celebrity on so many levels I can't even begin-- Which would in turn make y'all ignorant deniers red flags because you'd still stan him if he's queerbaiting like this. BUT, FORTUNATELY, from what we know of Harry, he's not a grade A asshole, which means there 0.000001% he's queerbaiting, and so what does that mean my dear kids? THAT'S HE'S FUCKING QUEER, NOW STFU.

Okay, now that that's over and done with. I completely, totally understand why the gp (general public) is upset at Harry, because to them, Harry is this White cishet guy who's playing the role of a gay man, but has never claimed to be queer, to people who don't really know Harry, that's the image they might be getting and I understand where they're coming from, which breaks my heart, but I get their pov. On the other hand, strict gatekeeping makes the community a not-safe space for people who're questioning, and for people who're not blatantly out and open - like Harry isn't, even tho he has given many signs hinting at him not being cishet, and forcing him out of the closet is a huge ass nah nah.

If you disagree with AOTA (except for the Larry part cause I unfortunately can't force people into believing in H&L ka love) feel free to fuck off.

my grandma thinks i shouldn't over-share with my friends matters related to the family (w/ good intentions). but my whole entire life my friends have been my only confidantes and now all of the sudden, my family is learning to be supportive and understanding, and i have to not-do what I've already done? Even now, my first instinct is to reach out to a friend when I'm emotionally bleh , even when huge ass fights happen at home. I just can't not do that

I'm collecting mental illnesses like people collect Pokémon 🤡

I felt today oh 🙂