Pov: Ur An Atsushi Kinnie In A Trio With An Akutagawa And Dazai Kinnie, And You Have To Watch The Exact

I love this, I’m projecting, but I imagine Atsushi knows he is ‘selfish’ at his core and feels even more guilty for it, and sees his selflessness and kindness as a fake act and savior complex.

OK correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like the main 'yin/yang' parallel with Atsushi and Akutagawa is not something like 'this one is bad but secretly has a good side and this one is good but secretly has a bad side'.

I feel like it's more about 'who they are at their core vs who they choose to be'.

At his core Akutagawa is kind and at his core Atsushi is not. But despite this Atsushi tries every day to make the kinder choices and I love him so much for it. He has to work so hard to be good.

He wants to be a bitch SO bad I know he does but he tries his best to help people and be nice (sometimes he fails but that's OK <3)

Atsushi doesn't always WANT to help people, a lot of the time he's selfish and scared, but he does help people anyway. He keeps helping people over and over again. There's still some selfish motivation to it, and his initial motivation for helping people was because the headmaster told him that's all he was worth, but overall he does care about the people he helps and it weighs on him if he fails to save them. And of course, as the series goes on he starts helping people more because he can rather than because he feels like he needs to.

In Akutagawa's case, he's still capable of being kind but his environment led him into being someone who chooses to hurt people. But he's always been a protector at heart. In the start he was bad compared to Atsushi because he was choosing to hurt people and keep the cycle of abuse going. Just like how Atsushi developed in why he saved people, Akutagawa starts to get redeemed when he chooses to not just act on his rage. Not only does he start to spare people, but he speaks more kindly to them (apologising to Higuchi and telling Kyouka he's proud of her). It all culminates into the moment he chooses to help Atsushi and sacrifice himself for him, going back to his core value of being a protector. Even when he's finally revived, he keeps this role in his new position as Aya's Knight.

I kind of see the streaks of white in Akutagawa and the streaks of black in Atsushi not as their 'hidden sides' but as their fundamental selfs. That's who they are at their core, and their main colours (black for Akutagawa and white for Atsushi) are how they're presented to everyone else and how they try to have people see them as.

Every Atsushi kinnie needs an Akutagawa kinnie bestie 🫶

-an Atsushi kinnie currently missing their Akutagawa kinnie bestie

In chapter 162 of Wan! Akutagawa gets a heatstroke and then Atsushi brings him to hospital and it is just the cutest thing ever

HE PIGGYBACKED AKUTAGAWA 😭

I love them sm, also Atsushi stayed at the hospital until Akutagawa woke up<3

Atsushi caring about Akutagawa is adorable

Hi by the way I'm never going to not throw up when thinking about what BSD says about abusers and victims. Abuse can occur out of love or a desire to protect or save or help someone and it's still abuse. Abuse can occur and years later you will still feel the affects so deeply it's as if it's a part of your body. Your abuser can change and regret and sometimes that means you will walk away over and over and sometimes it means you will throw yourself at them over and over and both are because you never developed a sense of self beyond what they made you to be. Your abuser will die and you will cry and you will hate him and in your weakest moments his memory will be there. Your abuser will live and become a better person and you're still stuck there unable to move on. The sheer complexity of what it allows and asks of us - to understand that at the end of the day we're all people fucking each other up and making mistakes. No one is a monster and wouldn't it just be easier if we were?

ATSUSHI KINNIE HI (smiles really big at you)

HELLOO OMG HI AKUTAGAWA KINNIE !!

Akutagawa Kinnie Callout/Analysis - from An Atsu kinnie’s experience with an Aku kinnie Bestie

where my akutagawa kinnies at? If u read this and ur an aku kinnie I love u,, u guys deserve the world <33 (sorry if this isn’t fully accurate as I’m not an Aku kinnie myself!!)

Having that one person (your “Dazai”) in your life you’re super attached to, that always seems to hurt you.

you want nothing more than their love, approval and affection, only for them to seem, time and time again, to choose others over you, make you feel left out or abandoned. Often, it feels like you have a love-hate relationship with them. (Bonus points if the Dazai has terrible communication skills). You’ve been hurt by them so many times, but you still always manage to forgive them and stay attached to them. 2. You hate being seen as pitiful, weak or different by others

Which is why you are only vulnerable with people you really really trust.

3. You hate the people the Dazai in your life chooses over you

You’re always left wondering, what is it that they have that you don’t? Are you just too boring to be around? You try your best to keep up, to improve yourself, change yourself in ways to appeal to that special person. But it never seems to be enough.

4. Abandonment issues

You are terrified of being left by people, especially that special person. Whenever people let you down, you feel like it’d be safer to isolate yourself from everyone. At least then, you wouldn’t be hurt.

Canon Events for children with broken families

• heart rate going up, ears listening carefully, at any sudden loud sounds that sound like objects being thrown, yelling or drunk wailing

• hating the scent of grape juice because it reminds you of wine (and of broken objects, of pools of vomit)

• swearing to never drink alcohol when you grow up (you will never be like her)

• studying really hard and excelling in school to escape your home life (school is one thing you can control)

• being told by parents to never tell friends about your family situation or they would backstab you (and thus feeling terrible whenever you confide in others now)

• parents going months without talking to each other and using you as their messenger (leading to more misunderstandings and arguments)

• “you are just like your father/mother”, in a bad way (it’s not your fault you have your father’s eyes)

@nonbinarypirat replying to you in the form of a post because i can cite manga panels this way.

this is a complex question! yes, there is never a moment where akutagawa explicitly tells atsushi what dazai did to him. however, there are hints throughout, and a consistent parallel between dazai and the orphanage director that's not just made narratively but said explicitly by the characters.

first, it needs to be established that dazai and the director serve the same purpose for akutagawa and atsushi respectively: dictating whether their life has value. akutagawa consistently tells atsushi that dazai is the one dictating his value, culminating in chapter 88 when he wonders out loud whether teaming up with atsushi is "part of that meaningful life". i won't cite specific panels because he reiterates this point in pretty much every interaction he has with atsushi. atsushi has a similar moment of acknowledging that his motivation is adhering to the standards of the value of his life dictated by the director, in chapter 51, when akutagawa asks him why he's going on the mission to stop the cannibalism virus:

so, both characters are aware of the fact that their personal motivations are dictated by the value judgements their abusers place on them. now to make the case that atsushi is aware of this similarity: look at his reactions to witnessing the abuse akutagawa went through first hand in chapter 122:

those are not expressions of shock. they are deep sadness, concern, but never shock. because he was fundamentally aware of the Problematic relationship akutagawa had with dazai, just not the details. the nature of their relationship was revealed to him over time, largely through hints, but i genuinely think he had the basic idea of the kind of bond they had.

the first time atsushi is made aware of dazai's connection with akutagawa is in chapter 35:

one of the callback panels here, the one where akutagawa is breaking down, is referring to this sequence from chapter 12:

of course, atsushi is not privy to the context of akutagawa's breakdown, not even knowing who the 'he' is at this point, but by the shock in chapter 35 it's clear he's connected the dots that akutagawa's hatred of him has to do with dazai. he also realizes that akutagawa's motivations have to do directly with dazai's acknowledgement of his worth, as evidenced by the emotional climax of their fight with fitzgerald being atsushi telling akutagawa that dazai has already recognized him.

after this, atsushi is made aware of just how touchy the topic of dazai is for akutagawa:

this is in chapter 51, and right after this page atsushi thinks akutagawa will kill him over this transgression. akutagawa, in turn, reacts in a strangely calm manner, agreeing with the statement, to which atsushi is surprised. mind you, atsushi is not particularly averse to being direct and sometimes straight up mean with akutagawa, he often gets exasperated with akutagawa's philosophies and tells him straight up how pathetic he thinks he is. this is the only time he fears akutagawa's reaction like this. after this moment he definitely knows the gravity of dazai and akutagawa's relationship.

and, finally, the most damning moment, the one that provides context for all of this, happens in chapter 39:

here, akutagawa draws a direct parallel between dazai and the orphanage director. he also calls both 'master', not mentor or teacher, there's no mistake that the relationship with both is fundamentally unhealthy, there's no mistake that akutagawa knows exactly what kind of bond he's talking about.

so, yeah. akutagawa never *explicitly* talked about the fact that dazai was his abuser, but the text up until this point has laid out enough indication that atsushi understood the nature of the relationship as unhealthy. atsushi is not stupid, he's not surprised to see dazai's abuse, because this is not a revelation, but yet another piece of the puzzle that's been slowly fed to him.

Little by little I grew apart from the world and distant from others. I fed my cowardly self-respect with dollops of rage, shame, and self-pity. We are all of us trainers of wild beasts, it is said, and the beasts in question are our own inner selves. In my case, the beast inside was my self-important sense of shame. That was my tiger, and it damaged me, brought sorrow to my wife and children, wounded my friends, and, in the end, changed my outward form into this animal that befits my inward state. I realized now that I wasted what little talent I had.

Nakajima Atsushi, “The Moon Over The Mountain” from The Moon Over the Mountain Short Story Collection

Atsushi Analysis - why I kin Atsushi Nakajima (and maybe why you kin him too)

From the moment I started watching Bungo Stray Dogs, I felt a huge connection to and related a lot to Atsushi, and it’s the reason he is still one of my favorite characters to this day. But reading other people’s analysis of Atsushi, though they are wonderful, I didn’t feel like they quite captured how I connected to him. So I am posting this in the hope someone will feel similarly to me and be able to relate! :D

starting with episode 1, the first scene that struck me was Atsushi’s flashbacks:

I did not grow up in an orphanage, and my past is nowhere near as terrible as Atsushi’s, but a parental figure (the ‘headmaster’ in my life) had spoken to me like this in the past, and their words continued to haunt me almost everyday, or when something triggered them. What shook me was that Atsushi’s flashbacks were almost identical to the words that would attack me often in my head.

“You’re useless.”

“Worthless.”

“Stupid.”

“You should just die.” “It would be better if you were dead.” (If you relate to this, I’m sending you the biggest virtual hug <3 no one deserves to think these thoughts, and they are so wrong.)

2. The way Atsushi hugged his legs when he was upset was exactly how I sat when I was upset.

3. The test to join the Armed Detective Agency

To save everyone from the bomb, Atsushi covered it with his own body, thinking it would kill him but protect everyone else.

At the time I watched BSD for the first time, I genuinely believed my life was worth less than others’. Therefore, as a logical choice, I would have done exactly the same thing as Atsushi. If my life was worth less than others’, then I was the logical sacrifice.

4. The worth of Atsushi’s Life

in the episode when Atsushi fights Kyouka, we find out the belief that the headmaster instilled in Atsushi: that Inconveniencing/not benefitting others means he doesn’t deserve to live, while saving (or helping) others means he deserves to live.

Simply put, Atsushi believes the worth of his life comes from how much he helps and benefits others.

and that is exactly the same belief my parental figure taught me.

By trying to save/help others, Atsushi seeks the permission to live, to exist. Maybe, if he helps just one more person, if he has a big enough impact on someone, then he’ll finally be free of the guilt he feels for existing. But it is a never ending cycle, because there’s no finish line for his race. How many people, exactly, does he have to “save” for him to be worthy of existing? He lives in never ending guilt, never ending fear, that the amount he has helped is not enough for him to live. The truth is, the number of people he saves will never be enough until he confronts his twisted belief.

5. Atsushi vs Akutagawa

this is the moment Atsushi confronts the belief he was taught that how much he helps others determines his right to live. He realizes through the injustice of Kyouka’s situation that others don’t get to decide if someone is worthy of living. Because everyone is worthy of life, including Kyouka, and so including Atsushi as well.

And watching this, I realized it with him. The ‘headmaster’ in my life didn’t get to decide how much I deserved to live. No one did. Everyone has the same right to live.

so if you related to this post, you deserve to live too. Not because you help others, because your life is valuable and precious, without you doing anything at all. <3

have a photo of my Atsushi plushie cuz I love him sm <3 thanks for reading!