I Have A Different Fear

Feelings that come with a new year

It’s melancholy

You can’t be too excited, lest the entire year doesn’t go as expected

You can’t be too sad because there isn’t any present reason to be

Can you hope?

Sometimes it feels futile, your hope can’t make it go any way either good or bad

So I ask for the strength to seat and be excited about the present, while working towards a reality that I am hopeful about

You can say "I am struggling to do [x thing] because of my disability" and neurotypicals + able-bodied people will come up with any reason ever why it isn't actually your disability causing you to struggle and is actually a personal moral failing.

Recent musing

Friendships come in different forms, yet we often overlook that a friend represents a relationship. Just as life ebbs and flows in a romantic relationship, a similar dynamic occurs in friendship.

I have two wonderful close friends. One, whom we'll call A, has been my day one; we have been closely connected for almost 20 years. She feels like a part of me in another body, but with her own unique twist. My second friend, whom we'll call Y, is someone whose energy matches mine perfectly. I made friends with Y in my twenties, and I look forward to a lifelong relationship with her.

A and I rarely fight; we see eye to eye on about 95% of things and truly understand each other. However, with Y, we do have disagreements from time to time, but the love between us remains strong.

I've noticed that when you share a conflict you're having with someone, people's responses often depend on your relationship with that person. For example, if it's a romantic partner, they might try to help you see things from a different perspective, unless the disagreement is particularly severe or the partner is abusive. In those cases, people generally won't advise you to end the relationship. However, when it comes to friendships, it seems that we tend to have less compassion.

We often believe that all friendships should resemble the ideal of "i and A," where everything is perfect. However, in reality, friendships are more like "i and T." It's normal to have disagreements; what's important is how we handle them. It's okay to fight, make amends, learn from the experience, and grow together. There's no need to cut ties with a friend over a misunderstanding. While I recognize that this might be an unpopular opinion, I believe it's a necessary reality. Personally, I tend to reflect seriously before ending any relationship, but I notice that many people react impulsively during conflicts in friendships.

My ramble tonight is simply that your friends deserve a second chance, or even a third and fourth, too, as long as they are not malicious and do not intentionally harm you.

Fe

Watching another grieve

You almost want to cut a little bit of the sadness and hold it on their behalf

But you can’t, you can only sit with them, hold them,

Try to pour all the love you can muster into them and hope the sadness doesn’t swallow them whole

and so we stand, 2 lovers on opposite side of a great river without a clue on how to cross but unable to walk away maybe eventually we will find a way

I don’t know what to write, maybe it’s because I’m in the midst of a lot of feelings, it hit me today just how low on cash I am and even doh there are a few things in the works, I wonder if I will survive long enough, I am second guessing my decision to leave my job about a year ago but another part of me is saying f*** that mostly because it’s not worth it.

I have 40gh in my account all I can do is work and eat, I can’t do anything spontaneous, I am looking at myself and I am worried, ngl I feel very very worried, I am looking around for who is going to help and feel shame, I feel embarrassed that I am trying to get someone to help me or give me money, like a handout.

I know I made the right decision, it’s not been easy, there is a heavy sigh in my heart, and I know that I need to hang in there, need to believe but omo it’s hard to do in this exact moment

So I am back to my warrior position, lying on the floor in fetal position were I can find the strength to get up, trust and believe that everything is going to be alright but for now we lie down