Villainous Paranoiac Tsum

Villainous Paranoiac Tsum

Kingscholar is always a pain to work with on group projects.

When he bothers to show up, he’s nothing but a font of negative feedback, denials and critiques bursting forth like the world’s worst fountain.

While it may be amusing to get under his skin outside of class, Malleus truly has little patience for time-wasting on a deadline. Were it not for Schoenheit’s intercession, he would be doing his self-appointed share of this educational assignment back in Diasomnia, where at least it would be peaceful.

Shroud looks like he shares similar sentiments, shrinking into his tablet at every sharp word Kingscholar and Schoenheit exchange.

Malleus daydreams briefly about teleporting from the classroom to Ramshackle dorm. Surely no one would think to look for him there for hours—

Something small and round zooms across the desk and dives into Malleus’ blazer.

He blinks.

“…the fuck?” Kingscholar interjects, staring at the lump nestled into Malleus’ pocket.

“Silver’s penchant for wildlife attraction had better not be rubbing off on you, Malleus.” Schoenheit scolds with a press of his temples. “We’ve enough to worry about as it is.”

Malleus tilts his jacket so he can peer into the lower pocket, peeling apart the folds of fabric—

“Ah.” He says with mild bemusement. “It’s a tsum.”

A unanimous groan rises from his group mates.

“Srsly?” Comes from Shroud’s tablet. “Again?!? This is like, the fourth time. Shouldn’t the headmaster have patched this by now?!”

“You’d think he’d send out another message about this shit when it happens again.” Kingscholar finally swings his feet off of the table. “So? Who is it?”

The tsum pops out so Malleus can see its face. Or what small sliver of it is visible. Long dark bangs cover its eyes and most of its nose, small cowlicks of hair sticking to the fabric of its hidey-hole with static. It looks a little raggedy, as if it’s been through a lot to get here.

“Ah.” Malleus smiles. “It’s the Child of Man.”

“Uh, whomst??” Shroud’s tablet asks.

“That’s what he calls the Prefect.” Schoenheit sighs. “I suppose the potato and their turnip are the only two who haven’t undergone this yet…”

Kingscholar lets out an almighty groan. “Great. Just great. That herbivore is seriously—”

There’s a loud clatter at the classroom door.

“AH-HA!” A Savannaclaw student that Malleus vaguely recognizes from one of his electives points, surrounded by other students. “WE GOT IT NOW BOYS!!”

The tsum jolts and burrows back into his pocket.

“Where is it?!” A Heartslaybul third-year demands. “I’m gonna punt that glorified bean bag into the sun!”

“It’s hiding there!” A Scarabia student declares. “In that guy’s ja-ah-aahaaAAAAH-MALLEUS DRACONIA!!”

Malleus tilts his head to the side and smiles in acknowledgement. “Good afternoon.”

The way the boys flinch is extremely satisfying.

“And you don’t even greet the rest of us?” Schoenheit’s voice is thick with scorn. “Honestly. What kind of manners are you teaching your vegetables, Leona?”

“Obviously not enough if these wannabe herbivores can’t even recognize the apex predator in the room.” Kingscholar growls. “Why the hell are you bothering us.”

“W-well, y’see, dorm head.” The Savannaclaw student quavers. “Tha-that thing there, i-it ruined our plan to get even with that ra—no, what I mean is it and that raccoon attacked us unprovoked—!”

“OFF WITH YOUR HEADS!!”

Red and black heart collars snap shut around each of the students’ necks.

Rosehearts storms into the room, face as red as the paint his dorm applies to their flowers. Ashengrotto and Viper are not far behind him.

“You dare.” His voice trembles as he glares at his mewling victims. “Intrude upon and interrupt an Unbirthday Party?! Knock the dormouse out of the teapot and scatter the flamingoes?! Having your heads is the least of what I shall do to you!”

“Ah, and such disruption of Monstro Lounge’s operations!” Ashengrotto laments with a hand pressed to his chest. “Of course, I will need to demand compensation from each of you.”

Viper sighs. “Honestly, I’d like to demand reparations for nearly knocking Kalim off of the carpet, but I feel like there’s nothing I can do that these two won’t exceed. I’ll be reporting your behavior to the teachers, at least.”

“PL-PLEASE, FORGIVE US!!”

It is highly amusing to watch his three underclassmen make these juniors beg for their lives and send them packing with their tails between their legs.

“Our apologies for the disruption.” Rosehearts bows his head. “But, it seems those delinquents have been causing trouble all across campus. It was imperative to stop them before their rule-breaking got any more out of hand.”

“Thank you for your efforts, Riddle.” Schoenheit nods gracefully. “I have to wonder though, how were they able to not only cause a disruption in Heartslaybul, but Octavinelle and Scarabia too?”

“From their erratic movements, it seemed like they were following something rather than deciding their course of their own accord.” Viper has a hand to his chin. “None of you would happen to know what exactly it was that they were chasing, would you?”

“Tsum part 4, electric boogaloo.” Shroud declares through his tablet.

The faces of three underclassmen fall as one. This is also highly amusing.

“So, who is it?” Ashengrotto asks. “It’s not one of the ones who visited before, is it?”

“No.” Malleus holds his hand to his pocket, gently coaxing. “It’s all right, Child of Man. I believe it’s safe for you to come out now.”

The tsum crawls onto his hand and permits him to place it on the table.

“A tsum-Prefect?” Rosehearts peers at the small creature. “How on earth did they cause all that mayhem alone?”

Kingscholar grins indolently. “Nah, it’s pretty much what I’d expect from that herbivore.”

Malleus frowns at him. “Oh? And what, exactly, gives you cause to say that?”

“Those guys mentioned the furball, right? Chances are, he did something t’piss them off, so they decided to take revenge.” Kingscholar gestures to the tsum. “Herbivore doesn’t have any magic or special abilities beyond getting out of the way and not dying, but they’re cunning and quick on the draw, plus stupidly protective of that fuzzball. A tsum based on them probably figured the best way to deal with those guys was to act as a distraction and bait ‘em into the territory of stronger predators.”

Malleus greatly dislikes the sneer adorning Kingscholar’s face as he continues. “Plus, since the lizard’s a scary-looking pushover, it probably figured he’d make for the best meat shield.”

The tsum stands its ground even in the face of these slights against its name. Malleus straightens as well and pins Kingscholar with a stern glare. “I don’t believe that is something the Child of Man—”

“No, I have to admit that’s in line with the Prefect’s character.” Rosehearts sighs. “They’re well-behaved and keep to themselves most of the time. But when Ace, Deuce, or Grim get into hot water…”

“…they launch headfirst into some destructive situation that they’re barely able to scrape themselves out of, dragging everyone else in with them.” Viper folds his arms, frowning down at the creature. “It’s like almost all their common sense and consideration goes out the window.”

“That’s rather harsh.” Ashengrotto admonishes. Then, with a tilt of his head, he concedes, “…Although Jade and Floyd’s research showed that making a contract with Grim was the best way to ensure they were willing to give up Ramshackle.”

“Plus showing up at the Isle of Woe with nothing but skincare and the will to fight god.” Shroud chips in gloomily. “Though they and the flowery guys from Pomefiore kept asking about you normies as well as Grimmy.”

There’s a small chorus of muttered acknowledgements that leave something sour in Malleus’ gut.

Schoenheit rolls his shoulders back. “Their tenacity and nerve are commendable. If only they were directed towards more worthwhile endeavors.”

Kingscholar snorts. “Like what, smearing sludge all over their face?”

A pencil is wielded with the same leathality as a dagger in Schoenheit’s hands. “Like your parched and ashen skin would know anything—!”

“Uh. The tsum’s writing something.”

The six of them turn at Shroud’s announcement to stare at the tsum, which has somehow pulled out a pencil and is scribbling quite dexterously with its nubs in a little black notebook not unlike the Prefect’s own.

“Tsum, please stop.” Rosehearts commands. “Rule of the Queen of Hearts number 112: only a white rabbit may record the court’s testimony. You are not a white rabbit, tsum.”

“And I will not be recorded without my prior consent, or reviewing the content.” Schoenheit adds. He clicks his fingers. “Hand it over.”

The tsum finally seems to take note of the hostile atmosphere. It tenses. It lobs its pencil at Shroud and makes a break for it.

Rosehearts and Ashengrotto lunge for it. When it tries to dodge around them for another avenue of escape, Kingscholar slams a foot down in front of it.

The tsum is launched backwards towards Malleus. He catches it on instinct, holding it just tightly enough that it won’t slip out of his hands.

“Wonderful job, Malleus.” Schoenheit praises as he plucks the notebook out of its grip. “Now, what do we have here…”

The tsum’s tiny nubs wiggle furiously in protest. Malleus gives it a mental apology.

“What in the world…?” Schoenheit flips through the notebook. “What in the names of the Seven are these drawings?!”

The rest of them crowd around the tiny notebook, peering at the scribbles on the pages.

“Is. Is that five tsums in a trench coat?” Rosehearts asks, bewildered.

“This one’s a tsum piloting a person by their hair.” Malleus adds. “A rather fascinating concept. I wonder if this is something they are capable of?”

“There’s a weird equation-looking one there.” Kingscholar’s finger stabs the page. “Tsum plus some faceless marionette-looking thing equals the herbivore?”

“My, my.” Ashengrotto shakes his head. “I hope this isn’t pointing to some mental deterioration in our dear Prefect. It would terrible if someone took advantage of the poor thing in their time of need.”

The tsum begins struggling even harder, as if outraged by Ashengrotto’s words. The Octavinelle dorm head edges away slightly, as he should.

“Um.” Shroud’s tablet pipes up. “This is purely hypothetical but. But I think it’s hypotheses?”

“Oh?” Malleus raises an eyebrow.

“Think about it.” Shroud’s voice becomes more animated as he warms to his subject. “Tsums are mysterious creatures to us, so we might be mysterious to them too, right? After all, Ortho and I couldn’t work out what his was made of even with top of the line equipment. I think the Prefect’s tsum is trying to work out what humans are, using their tsum-ish frame of reference. But that’s just a theory. A tsum theory, fwee-hee-hee.”

Viper’s buried his face in his hands. Malleus thinks he hears him mutter. “…Enough with the red string already.”

Kingscholar looks sympathetic all of a sudden. “You too, huh?”

With a furious twisting and flailing, the tsum’s soft body suddenly slips from Malleus’ grip.

It launches itself at the notebook, knocking it from Schoenheit’s hands.

“Wh—don’t think I’ll abide such rudeness, you little peanut!” Schoenheit scolds

Child of Man’s tsum bristles at the seven of them as it hovers over its notebook protectively. Its body language seems to be daring the seven of them to try taking its precious item away again.

“Definitely the Prefect.” Viper sighs. “It’s just as obstinate as they are about things like this.”

“…You really are alone.” Malleus murmurs. “It must be rather alarming for a creature such as you to appear in a place where nobody is like you. Where you are constantly at the mercy of the whims of those more powerful than you.”

The tsum stares up at him. He thinks it droops slightly.

“W-well it can’t be that bad.” Ashengrotto asserts, joviality sounding a little more forced than usual. “After all, Yuu is in the same boat, aren’t they?”

“Yeah,” Kingscholar interrupts. “And they’ve got a whole wall of crazy theories about overblot and going back to their world too. That ain’t the winning argument you think it is.”

That makes the others fall quiet, consternation clear on their faces.

The classroom door bursts open.

“WE’RE HERE TO SAVE MY MINI-MINION, FGNAH!!!!”

The monster familiar zooms into the room, ear flames flaring as his human counterpart stumbles in behind him.

“Grim, stop shouting. Sorry, senpai, I didn’t want to disturb you but—” The Prefect’s eyes land on the tsum on the table. They scrunch mid-sentence. “Geh.”

“Yuu.” Rosehearts scolds. “According to the headmaster’s instructions, all students are required to tsumsit their lookalikes until 24 hours after arrival. How could you allow yours to run roughshod all over campus with no supervision?!”

“I’m sorry, Riddle-senpai, it’s just—” They gesture to the tsum, which has pulled out another pencil for more note-taking. “I had no idea it was here until maybe about an hour ago. Grim told me it popped up out of nowhere and knocked a huge stack of books onto some guys who he’d pissed off. We think it’d been hiding and following us around until that point.”

“Hah? How’d you not know?” Kingscholar scoffs. “The light that appears when these things come to campus is bright as shit. During the middle of the night.”

“I thought I was still sleeping!” The Child of Man protests. “There’s a mirror at Ramshackle starts glowing brightly and doing weird stuff in my dreams! It wasn’t until the headmaster came around this afternoon that I even knew tsums were on the table!”

“No, that’s not normal either.” Viper interjects. “You need to tell someone to get that looked at.”

“Who?” The Prefect tilts their head, tone growing thick with sarcasm. “Crowley?”

Viper grimaces as he concedes the point.

“C’mon mini-minion.” Grim clambers up onto the tabletop. “We only got limited time before you gotta go home, an’ we haven’t even done anything fun yet, y’know! We gotta introduce you t’the ghosts, and show ya off to Ace and Deuce, and eats tons of food, an’—!”

“I shall provide you with an escort.” Malleus declares, rising from his seat.

“Eh?” The Child of Man looks surprised, for some reason. “Are you sure, Tsunotaro?”

Schoenheit scowls. “No, he’s—”

“Yes.” Malleus scoops up the familiar and the tsum, steering them all out of the room before the others can catch. “We’re going right now.”

And if he teleports to the main street outside of school so they can’t easily force him to return, then that’s just a happy coincidence.

The sky outside is clouded over with the promise of rain.

“You really wanted to get of that room, didn’t you?” His Child of Man says, amusement thick in their voice.

He smirks at them. “My fellow dorm heads are very capable, but perhaps best taken in small doses.”

They let out a snort of laughter, lightly clapping him on the arm. “Don’t say that! Jamil-senpai isn’t even a dorm head! Those guys might be an acquired taste, but they mean well enough…in their own ways. I think.”

His smile fades a little as they walk away from the school towards Ramshackle.

The tsum, presumably tired of being jostled on Grim’s back, leaps off and scuttles up the Prefect’s trouser leg. The Child of Man takes being scaled with aplomb, presumably used to their familiar doing the same.

“I still can’t get over how weird it is.” They mutter as the tsum takes its place on their shoulder. “Why does it look like me? Did that bright flash of light make some record of me to create this thing? Is it actually like me, or is it just taking advantage of resemblance to get everyone to lower their guards?”

The Child of Man looks up at him. “You’ve spent more time with it than I have. What do you think, Tsunotaro?”

He folds his arms in consternation, brow furrowing.

“…I must admit, I am unsure. Overall, I have observed several traits that you yourself possess. Loyalty, courage, resourcefulness, curiosity, dedication.”

“However,” It burns in his gut to admit this. “Kingscholar claimed that the tsum ran to me to hide behind as a mere shield. I…do not believe that is like you, but the others. They agreed with him. And I suppose they have spent more time with you than I have.”

They keep walking in silence for a few moments.

Malleus wonders if he’s offended them irreparably as a light rain begins to drizzle.

“…Well.” The Prefect scuffs a shoe against the ground. “I don’t know what this thing is thinking, but. If I found myself in another new world filled with lookalikes of you guys and I was in trouble, I’d probably run to your lookalike too, if I could. Because you’re my friend, an-and I feel….feel safe with you.”

Malleus stares at them.

“Agh, that was—! Forget I said anything!!” His Child of Man waves their hand in the air between the two of them. Their tsum appears to be trying to hide itself in their oversized collar. “I-I’ll just. You know what, I can get back to Ramshackle from here. Thanks for the escort Tsunotaro, see you tomorrow!!”

He watches as they all but sprint away from him, the voice of their familiar claiming that he would also protect “his minion” floating back to him.

The gentle scent of blooming plants fills the air as he makes his way back to Diasomnia. The evening breeze has turned warm and fragrant.

“My, the weather improved just in time for sunset.” Lilia remarks as he enters the common room. When his guardian turns, he pauses. “Oh? Malleus, has something good happened? That’s a wide smile you have there.”

Malleus touches a cheek, which has begun to ache from the force of his grin.

“Hm.” He hums. “Having friends is a wonderful thing.”

Lilia chuckles for some reason. “Friends. Indeed.”