I Wish I Could Fall Asleep In Bed As Easily As When I'm Trying To Do Homework On The Couch.

I don't know why I feel like I have to be sleep-deprived and listening to loud music in order to be productive.

Assuming this hasn't been done yet.

I swear I act identically to the people around me, so why does it feel so uncomfortable?

Inspired by this tumblr post. based on this twitter post

Ollie's doing her best. (bonus after the jump)

My friends probably wouldn't believe this, but I consider posting something in my friend group's groupchat 20 to 30 times before actually posting it unprompted. I'm not sure if this is normal or anxiety.

It's funny that it took me so long to start USING tumblr. I started looking at tumblr posts on Pinterest when I was in 8th grade on my school-issued chromebook. I have been an avid reader of tumblr posts reposted to other websites for roughly eight years now, but I just started making the content.

being a female knight fucking sucks. every squire boy i get turns out to be an adult woman with short hair who's just in it to sensually strap my armor to me. CHOP CHOP bitch the French are trying to sack our castle!

titty obsessed butches appreciation post because what else is new. butches who can’t help but stare at my cleavage even when it’s inappropriate. butches who will do whatever I say as long as I flash them. butches who get wet from sucking titties alone. butches who love showering me in expensive lingerie and keep polaroids of my tits in their wallet. butches who love missionary so they can watch the way they move.

I want the universe to know that regardless of whether anyone else sees a woman when they look at me, regardless of which pronouns I am called upon with, regardless of which bathroom I use, regardless of the name or sex on my driver's license, regardless of the clothes I am allowed to wear, regardless of whether or not I see myself as a woman, I am happy with the shape of my body for the first time in my life because I started hormone replacement therapy a little over a year ago. I could live the rest of my life as a man if it meant that I could be happy and at peace with this flesh.

That I could go an entire year without feeling like my skeleton is trying to rip free from the flesh and tendons and skin covering my bones is a miracle. That I could go an entire year without wondering what the next body horror avatar of the flesh werewolf transformation I will have to endure next is a blessing. That I could see my reflection in the mirror and she and I are the same person is all I could ask for.

I understand not everyone can live that way, but I need anyone at all to understand the relief I feel every day. No difference of belief or values could take this away from me. Only hatred. I have ideologies, but their importance pales in comparison to value I place on access to HRT. This is for myself and no one else. The joy I feel. Strip me of all other dignities out of what you believe is the proper way for me to interact with the world, but no one can dictate the relationship I have with myself. The only reason anyone could possibly want to take this away from me is to cause me pain.

I'll be at work, trying to take myself seriously, doing something mature like preparing gas chromatography samples, when Spotify decides that I absolutely MUST hear "The Silly Piss Song" by Pent Up Pup.