I Don't Know Why I Feel Like I Have To Be Sleep-deprived And Listening To Loud Music In Order To Be Productive.

I'll be at work, trying to take myself seriously, doing something mature like preparing gas chromatography samples, when Spotify decides that I absolutely MUST hear "The Silly Piss Song" by Pent Up Pup.

cw: voice dysphoria

Voice training is great and it has done wonders for me, but I cannot describe to you how much I want that sound that happens when cis women try to make their voice deeper but their range isn't low enough.

Singing in the baritone range feels nice enough for similar reasons to thus, but I would gladly give up that part of my range if I could just have a voice that makes me happy.

Mildly related: I was a tenor in choir back in high school, but it never felt high enough. I found myself getting jealous of countertenors and castratos, all because I couldn't recognize that I was experiencing gender dysphoria.

Sometimes I wonder how I didn't realize I was trans until I was 21 years old and then I remember that my dad gaslit me into believing I was white until I was about 16 years old.

I've been terrified of going insane for a long time now, specifically loss of lucidity/memory. When I was in high school, I would occasionally have minor hallucinations when I wasn't getting enough sleep.

The most afraid I've been in my life was once when I lost access to all my memories for about thirty seconds. I couldn't recall any details about my identity or my whereabouts (my apartment).

I think the second most disturbing experience was years ago when I was in the shower and I thought my hair turned into spider legs. It took every fiber of my being not to freak out and start thrashing my limbs all over the place.

The last time I visited my dad, he described two occasions of having hallucinations similar to ones I've had, so I asked if my family has a history of mental illness. He said his grandmother or something like that "went crazy," so that wasn't very helpful or reassuring.

I think overall, the best thing to do is enjoy life now. Worrying about the future will probably just make it hard to deal with. Eventually I should talk to a therapist, but I'm happy where I am.

How come speakers all got animal stuff going on? I mean seriously, tweeters? Subwoofers? Bass?

My friends probably wouldn't believe this, but I consider posting something in my friend group's groupchat 20 to 30 times before actually posting it unprompted. I'm not sure if this is normal or anxiety.

I can't tell if other people are confusing or if I'm the confusing one.

Realized in the middle of the theater that I want to be a sexy symbiote woman. Get that purple lightning goop inside of me ASAP.

Introductions

Name: Esther (She/It)

Interests (in no particular order): Chemistry, TTRPGs, cool rocks, video games, making friends, ASL, arts and crafts, dedicated and improvised tools, caving, cosplay, space exploration, music, buying lots of books (and comics) without reading them, and lots of other things!

Ideal Aesthetics: Alchemical, academic, astrology girl, furry, elf princess, sci-fi, butch.

I am a sucker for literal soul mates. Like people who share a body. I love that shit so much and I want more. I am accepting recommendations.