“Please Dont Expect Me To Always Be Good And Kind And Loving. There Are Times When I Will Be Cold And

“The other day, lying in bed, I felt my heart beating for the first time in a long while. I realized how little I live in my body, how much in my mind”

-Rodger kamenetz, from Terra infirma

This Morning: A Thread (TW: Suicidal ideation)

My brain: Ugh, not again

How and why am I still alive?

Because I just fell asleep, it's normal

I don't want to be here.

I don't want to be here.

I cannot unalive myself here. I need to wait until I can.

I need to study, get my degree, get a job, start living alone.

Only then will I be able to end it.

Alone, alone, alone.

Yes, only a few more years.

Let's start the day.

as the solitude comforts me,

the loneliness eats me up and

I let it.

It's deeply painful how one person can make you feel like you're walking on clouds and other times, the loneliest person to ever exist.

Last night, I realised how utterly lonely I am without my partner talking to me. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I realised that I have no one left to call and cry to, at midnight. In the past couple years since I've been with my partner, I think I distanced from my friends, but I guess I was already isolated by then.

Anyway, last night, I felt so alone, so lonely, so alienated. It felt like a dagger to my chest when he said he doesn't want to talk. My mind took me to some harrowing places. It felt like our relationship was over and that he doesn't want me anymore. And that he was my go to person and now I've left with no one to talk to when I really need to.

I'm back to how I was before I met him. All alone, all by myself, surrounded by friends but no one to reach out when necessary. It sucks.

Another person to grieve.

Another relationship to remember, woefully.

I'm tired of this ritual

again I write with disdain,

my heart is heavy with sorrow

perpetually drowning in pain.

Relating to this on another level these days.

bpd culture is feeling like you're getting better until you start dating someone and getting interested in them and then realizing you're still so, so broken

.

👁️ ✨

I'd like to stop being anxious now. My head is exploding.

The music dances inside my mind,

It's beautiful and it's urgent

It's my escape from words that I can't find the symphony to write.

How accurate.

- j (x)