This Morning: A Thread (TW: Suicidal Ideation)

It's deeply painful how one person can make you feel like you're walking on clouds and other times, the loneliest person to ever exist.

Last night, I realised how utterly lonely I am without my partner talking to me. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I realised that I have no one left to call and cry to, at midnight. In the past couple years since I've been with my partner, I think I distanced from my friends, but I guess I was already isolated by then.

Anyway, last night, I felt so alone, so lonely, so alienated. It felt like a dagger to my chest when he said he doesn't want to talk. My mind took me to some harrowing places. It felt like our relationship was over and that he doesn't want me anymore. And that he was my go to person and now I've left with no one to talk to when I really need to.

I'm back to how I was before I met him. All alone, all by myself, surrounded by friends but no one to reach out when necessary. It sucks.

Another person to grieve.

Another relationship to remember, woefully.

Anger bursts inside of me as fire crackers under the moonlight, with a cackle first and then a battle cry.

“It could’ve been worse.” It could’ve been BETTER. It could’e been EASIER. It could’ve been lovely. It could’ve been beautiful, it could’ve been fun. It could have been simple, it could’ve made you HAPPY. 

You can drown in two feet of water just as simply as you can in an ocean. Stop downplaying what happened and neglecting your feelings. Kill that idea with fire. Or at least acknowledge that what happened was bad without immediately trying to justify or dismiss it.

This. Oh man, this.

Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

I dine alone and I have no cutlery

to hold my appetite

as I attack this platter of death and misery

with my bare hands

and leave no crumbs.

A totally unexpected plan ending as a tool to rediscover your sexuality and dabbling into other's fantasies as it made you tap into your inner dom is ecstatic, especially when you've been in a constant bpd depressive episode and stuck in every other aspect of your life.

I never lost it but found something even more exciting.

The urge to just destroy myself. To cut off everything. To go radio silent on everyone because my brain is absolutely convinced I'll be best off alone, locked in a tiny little box.

Why can't I just have a moment to breathe? To actually enjoy my bit of happiness I get here and there.

Lol I hate being fucking self aware.

yeah

i wanna lay under my blanket and die