Tw Selfhate - Blog Posts

Hot water

Tw: self hatred/self harm

Every night at the same time exactly,

I step into the shower to wash myself for five minutes precisely.

I take the shampoo and scrub it into my hair,

Letting the soap drip into my eyes as I try not to swear.

I don’t touch the shampoo-mother says it makes my hair greasy,

She says it would make me look easy.

I run the soap bar over my body,

My stomach getting knotty.

My face starts to fall apart,

I begin to cry as I wish I could restart.

I fall to my knees as the hot water scratches at my back.

I feel the pain.

Gods do I love the pain.

The pain that almost makes me feel human.

The pain I so deserve.

Like the hounds of hell themselves, the water scalds my skin.

Making me feel human,

Oh so human.

- A.F.A Makar

The After shower

Tw: Self hatred/self harm

I sit in the bathtub. Now I understand why girls keep the water scorching. I sit down, feeling the water scratch at my back like the dog of hell. Now I understand why the girls get pretty after saying ‘beauty is pain’. I sit under the shower head praying that it will burn every last cell off my body-be-rid me of the sins that occurred in the last few hours. As I sit under the burning water I finally understand. I can feel something, some morsel of humanity within the pain I’m experiencing. I almost don’t feel like a monster as I claw at my skin. As I ask the gods why. As I cry to myself hearing those words my brother told me. As I question why he did to me what he did.

- A. F. A. Makar

The worst thing you ever did was to make me believe I could be loved

Tw: self harm, self loathing

A girl lies on her bedroom floor.

She bleeds through her eyes and cries through her veins.

I watch her helplessly and let her fall apart.

Everyday she fights long lost battles and dies gruesome deaths.

Her life is nothing but a grave full of dead hopes.

I watch her and do nothing.

Perhaps because there isn't much left of her to be saved.

She is covered in bruises I don't recognize her anymore.

I watch her with curiosity.

Her eyes dark and cold like the night itself, she reeks of misery.

A home full of ghosts, none of them remotedly as dead as her soul.

I watch her mercilessly.

After all that's what monsters like her deserve.

I say, and I stop watching her.

No part of her deserves to be loved.

I say, and I step away from the mirror.

Future love

Perhaps one day you'll hold me, once and forever.

Intoxicated we will be, lost in each other.

And then in the dark, you will touch the right parts of me.

In hushed tones I will show you, that you and I were meant to be.

Then slowly I will learn, how to truly love me.

And gently I will heal, like all my grief ceased to exist.

Sorry...

Sorry for being a burden.

Sorry for being clingy.

Sorry for being such a mess.

Sorry for having no self control.

Sorry for being insensitive.

Sorry for being thougtless.

Sorry for being heartless.

Sorry for being unempathic.

Sorry for overestimating.

Sorry for not grasping cues.

Sorry for being emotional.

Sorry for overthinking.

Sorry for being distant.

Sorry for being manic.

Sorry for being depressed.

Sorry for being arrogant.

Sorry for hating myself.

Sorry for bothering you.

Sorry for dissapointing you.

Sorry for making excuses.

Sorry for being suicidal.

Sorry for telling you about it.

Sorry for staying.

Sorry for opening up.

Sorry for saying all that.

Sorry for apologizing.

...I'm sorry.

I often want to grab the nearest sharp object and bury it in my arm but I'm too scared to clean up after, so I'll just stick to biting my arms till they bruise.🙂

The voices are restless

T H E Y W A N T M E D E A D

(Trigger warning: SH and Su!c!de)

Vent art compilation all made by me(MEGA TRIGGER WARNING)