L&ds Caleb - Blog Posts

the spider’s sense! a spidercaleb series.

♥︎ spider-man!caleb 𝑥 fem!reader

synopsis. ┆ caleb’s life was perfect—until it wasn’t. a radioactive spider bite turned him into linkon’s friendly neighborhood spider-man, the daily bugle started hunting for the man behind the mask, and to top it all off, he was forced to partner up with you—his smart, competitive, and infuriatingly perfect classmate who threatened his spot as number one in the class rankings.

tags/warnings. ┆ college/modern au, academic rivals to lovers, fluff, angst, eventual smut, gran isn’t evil in this LOL, the canon event, college parties, alcohol consumption, cliches, depictions of serious crime, references to the spider-man comics and movies, mdni

a/n. ┆ fanart art is by 长白山小葱头 on weibo. this is my first series on this app to celebrate hitting 1K! if you want to join the taglist, comment on this post or send me an ask.

main masterlist. ┆ talk to me!

chapter one ┆ pest control. (coming very soon)

caleb's worst fear comes true when the two of you are assigned as lab partners, especially after your first experiment together goes horribly wrong in more ways than one. (4.2k)

Edit: Option 3 Rafayel (Missed Spelled his name 😅)

ROTTEN

Fandom: 恋与深空 | Love and Deepspace (Video Game) Category: F/M Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationships: Main Character/Xia Yizhou | Caleb; Xia Yizhou | Caleb/You Tags: One Shot, Angst, Self-Harm, Phantom Limb Pain, POV Third Person

Summary: What if Caleb wasn't being entirely honest in Painful Signal? What if he was experiencing phantom limb pain on a regular basis after losing his arm? (Set some time after Painful Signal)

A/N: disclaimers: - tw: self-harm - english isn’t my first language so if something seems wrong or doesn’t make sense that’s probably the reason - i am no expert in phantom limb pain, i just read an article, so like…i’m not a doctor and all my limbs are currently intact, so i am not sure what it actually feels like to experience such a thing

you can read the fic here or go to ao3 (hyperlink in the title)

Over the years, Caleb had found his ways of coping with shit the universe threw his way. Sure, they might not have been exactly healthy but to be completely honest, his own well-being was never really something he’d taken into consideration. 

She would always reprimand him about his chapped lips or nails bitten to the quick. He’d tried quitting for her sake but that never really worked. Then came the a little too hot showers he took. The skin of his back would get red and itchy, the burning would feel good, though. Distracting enough to just forget…even if just for a moment.

Forget the blank stare she’d give him. Forget all those moments he had to tell himself it would be okay, that she would come back eventually, just like she always did. She wouldn’t remember him; she’d look at him with zero recognition in her eyes but that was fine by him. As long as she came back, he’d reintroduce himself to her over and over again for all eternity if that was what it came to.

Caleb couldn’t deny the irony of the Toring Chip being implanted in his brain, mocking him, laughing in his face as if saying “Weren’t you look for a way to forget? Why are you backing off all of a sudden?”

He’d wanted to forget all the pain she’d gone through, all the ways in which he couldn’t help her back then, was never able to save her. He would’ve been glad to forget about all her suffering, just as she did. But not her…never her. He would cherish the memory of her forever.

When Caleb first came to after the explosion, he didn’t even notice anything was amiss, apart from the fact that he was once again surrounded by white lab coats. They made him sick but he gave no sign of it.

It took some getting used to the new modified mechanical arm. In his life Caleb had considered quite a few scenarios of him becoming disabled due to his chosen field of work. He’d even considered and made his peace with the possibility of one day not making it back home to her after that one dreadful flight in the Aerospace Academy. He had to look up quite a few articles on all sorts of disorders considering how bad his dissociative amnesia got afterwards. But for some reason he’d never researched what losing a limb might feel like. He’d assumed it would just be like having a void where a limb used to be; he’d never taken phantom pain into consideration.

When confronted by her, he said “I barely feel any pain unless it’s under repair.” And even though it was true—the electric shocks going through his body while the arm was under repair were quite painful—he didn’t want her to worry, so he decided not to tell her the whole truth.

For the most part he’d learnt to ignore the phantom pain, he’d tune it out, leaving it somewhere in the background. It’s not as if he’d never dealt with pain before. But other times he’d jolt awake and not be able to go back to sleep for the rest of the night. Sometimes he’d just stare into a mirror for a while in an attempt to make his brain somehow understand and accept the fact that his arm was no more.

It felt like some new intricate type of torture if he was being completely honest. Feeling the pain but not his arm, it was maddening. He’d picked up the habit of scrabbing the area surrounding the mechanical arm—where the seam of it met his torso—red while showering, and subconsciously scratching it whenever he was stressed and felt a phantom pain spike.

Sometimes it felt as if there was an infesting rot under the surface of the mechanical arm, it was burning and throbbing threatening to spread through his whole body. Caleb couldn’t help but think if the rot was eating away at him, if one day he’d wake up to being rotten to the core—nothing human left of him, just some machine with no thoughts, feelings, or emotions of his own. No flesh left to sense her with, just metal and wires. 

He’d still love her somehow. Even if only just a fraction of his consciousness was left, he’d find a way to hold on to her, cling to the idea of her.

For the time being, Caleb tried not to think of those things. He had to protect her whatever it took, whatever the price may be.

One day she caught him, though. He was careless; he got lost in his thoughts staring into space in his bedroom. He just got out of shower and didn’t put a shirt on yet. 

“What are you doing?” her voice came from the door. “I knocked but you didn’t answer…”

How deep did he have to sink into it all to not even notice? He’d huff out a bitter chuckle if there was any strength left in him to do that.

“What happened to your shoulder?” worry palpable in her voice. Great. She was moving closer, not waiting for his permission to enter the room now that she saw the crime scene because of course she wouldn’t. Caleb tried to cover it up by putting his shirt on. He wasn’t fast enough, though. She caught him red handed. “Caleb?” her beautiful voice laced with worry once again because of him, it made his stomach turn.

“It’s nothing.” He tried but she was already inspecting the reddish area.

She gave him one of those angry frowns she was really good at. “You big dummy,” she said pushing him to sit back down on his bed. “Don’t move.” Then she left the room.

Caleb wasn’t about to disobey her; she’d be even more mad and something was telling him he was in big enough trouble already.

When she came back, it was with a first-aid kit in her hand. She didn’t say a word though, silently getting to work, disinfecting the raw skin around the mechanical arm and gently blowing on it even though Caleb gave no indication of it burning. He never would in front of her. She was probably aware of that, too.

A few minutes later Caleb found himself bandaged and she was looking at him with such intense that he couldn’t bear it, so he glanced away in an attempt to avoid eye contact. Her endeavor to see through him fruitless, she decided to ask him, “Where does it hurt?” 

Of course, she realized it wasn’t a question of whether or not it hurt but of where exactly it hurt. Sometimes Caleb hated the way she knew him so well.

He pressed his lips into a thin line and loudly exhaled through his nose, still not looking at her. She wouldn’t have it obviously, so her hands came to his cheeks to hold his head up. There was hurt in her eyes and the knowledge of being the one to put it there broke him.

“I—” he tried; his voice raspy. “I’m sorry,” was all he could say, once again feeling like he was failing her. The rot bubbling up under the metal, gradually trying to overcome him.

“What are you sorry for?” she asked, tenderly caressing his cheeks with her fingers. “Please tell me.”

“I lied.” Her expression became confused but she stayed silent giving him time to elaborate. “It hurts all the time,” Caleb’s voice broke, his vision blurry and he knew what that meant, so he had to push the lump in his throat down and will the tears back. They had no place here.

She leaned into him, pressing her forehead onto his own, the tiny bit of pressure grounding for Caleb. Then he felt one of her hands go down from his face to his neck, to his clavicle, to his bandaged shoulder then down the mechanical arm. Caleb could swear he was able to feel the lightness, the warmth of her touch, the gentle way her fingers ran over the metal. It wasn’t true but he could still feel it, a breathy exhale falling from his lips.

When she drew back, he was barely able to hold in a whimper. Don’t go, please. Don’t leave me, he wanted to beg. But she wasn’t going anywhere. She got on her knees beside his right arm and took his mechanical hand into her own. The metal most certainly way colder than her flesh and blood palm. 

Looking him straight in the eye, she pulled his hand towards her mouth and left a light kiss on one of the fingers. Caleb’s breath hitched and he was ready to burst into tears right then and there. The softness of her gaze—not leaving his even for a moment—combined with the little kisses she was peppering onto the metal surface made his heart swell with love for her. There was not a single thought of rot left in head. How could there be any? When she was touching him so gently, with such careful attention, as if he was something worth cherishing even with a cold piece of metal instead of an arm.

Her lips gradually made their way up his forearm, making sure to meticulously leave kisses everywhere she could. Finally, she got to the seam of the metal and pressed her lips onto the bandages before moving to the exposed skin of his torso and neck. Caleb’s breath—an erratic chaos by that point—got caught in his throat, as he felt hot air from her mouth hit his jugular.

He moved his hands to her back to press her body as close as possible to his own, slotting their mouths together, stealing the whimper of surprise off her lips. The kiss messy but short. His left hand came up to cup her cheek.

She was looking at him with her brows furrowed. “Don’t ever lie to me again,” she said with a light hit to his chest. “If you’re hurting, I’ll be right there with you, hurting by your side.”

“I don’t want you to hurt,” was all Caleb could master in response.

She looked at him with pity. “I’ll hurt anyway. Even more so if you hide your pain from me for my sake.”

And it sounded so familiar. Caleb huffed out a bitter laugh, realizing she was just like him at the end of the day. Even thinking and feeling about him the same way he did for her.

“Okay then,” Caleb said. “We’ll hurt together.”

“Deal,” she replied and took both his hands into hers intertwining their fingers.

Caleb's world stopped only twice. The first time was when  he died and the second, when you grew up and forgot about him. At twelve years, you stopped being able to communicate with him. He didn't understand why or how that happened. He wasn't just an imaginary friend like you thought. He was an actual ghost. You should be able to talk and see if him if you already did. Why did it have to stop now?. When you were getting closer?. Just when you were about to be a teenager and might need him the most.

Despite his initial hurt and confusion, he still stayed by your side everyday. He couldn't help but hope that you'd one day be able to see him. For things to go back to how they used to be. For your eyes to really see him and your warm smiles to be directed at him. For you to need him for being him once more.

Caleb who watched you grow into a teenager. Oh, how fast the time changes. Even though you couldn't see him or need him anymore. He still stuck to you like a shadow. Watching you,observing you during your daily life. He learned everything he could about you. Your new little quirks, habits, hobbies and the things you liked and didn't. His little pipsqueak was growing really well but he couldn't help the sadness that he felt for not being part of your growing little world anymore. He grew up silently by your side the realms of the unseen. A teenage ghost boy who lived with you and became like an older brother you needed.

Forgot your lunch or some of your books?  He always made sure to pack it  into your bag. Cleaning up your messy room and arranging the disorganized stuff when you were away or out.

He always made sure the fridge and the pantry had the snacks and the food supplies you needed. You always thought it was your parents who bought them so you never wondered about it. You fell asleep on the couch?. You'd find yourself waking up in bed the next morning. Couldn't find something you were looking for?. He used his abilities to bring the item out for you and you'd find it again the next moment you checked. You could've sworn it wasn't there before though but oh, well.

Caleb who felt proud that you studied hard but always wished you took it easy on yourself. You were always hard on yourself. Your perfectionist tendencies making you want to do your best but you also beat yourself up when you failed at something or did a mistake. Your overthinking mind haunting quite often and he wished you wouldn't do so too much.

He got worried when he started noticing how you sometimes didn't take care of yourself. You skipped meals, didn't sleep well enough or drink enough water. You either slept too much or too little, staying up late and being tired in the morning. You locked yourself up and stayed in your room longer, bed rotting whenever you could. He noticed your mood swings and your depression and anxiety you tried to cope with and conceal. He got angry when your parents called you lazy and scolded or said unkind words to you instead of supporting or trying to understand you and his heart ached when he watched how your mood worsened or how you silently cried about it. When he followed you outside, he noticed your social anxiety. By now, he could read you like an open book. Knowing how you felt even when you said nothing and could easily read your unspoken words.

Caleb scared off the first guy you brought home behind your parent's back. The boy avoided you or coming to your house after. Pretty sure, he thought your house was haunted. Well, he wasn't wrong either. He didn't like it when other guys tried to get too close. He made it his mission to get rid of the trashy boys  and fish out fake friends around you and succeeded. He was relieved when you made a few genuine friends who supported you though. At least they'd be more helpful than his invisible self who couldn't do much for you.

Ghost Caleb. Who couldn't help but notice how his attraction for you also grew as years passed and so did ache in his chest. How beautiful you'd grown to become and how other boys saw it too. If you could hear some of the things they whispered and talked about. Though some things he heard made him want to rip out the tongue of some of them and blind them for life. Such scum were not allowed within your circle or radius any day.

Caleb who one day walked through your walls to check up on you as usual, you had been your room for hours and he was shocked to walked in on you changing. You were in nothing but your underwear as you searched through the closet, singing the song you were playing aloud with your phone, oblivious to him as usual. He suddenly found time slowing down, his eyes taking in your exposed skin and body with wide eyes before he quickly teleported out. His face and ears flushed and heart hammering in his chest as he run his hand through his hair "Goddamn it, pipsqueak"

Ghost Caleb. Who couldn't help it when his gaze lingered on your curves,  falling in love with you silently as he stayed by your side. He craved the warmth of your body and your touch. Who missed you with every passing day. Even though you were always with him. Or rather- He was always with you. He missed you laughing and talking with him directly. He missed how you mentioned his name so warmly and held him close when you needed it. His world had become lonely. He became an unknown boy in your fast paced world. A boy who lost the person who made his bland life a little warmer and brighter. Why couldn't you see him?. Couldn't you see how much he needed you?. How much he ached for you? 

Ghost Caleb who comforted you on your bad days and whispered sweet nothings into your ear as you cried on the bedroom or bathroom floor, in bed silently at night . You couldn't hear him or feel him but at least he could do this much for you. He hoped his care for you would at least be felt even if he was invisible. He was like the voice in your head that whispered the encouraging words, the little gentle voice that helped you look on the positive side, to remind you that you weren't alone and pick yourself back up after breaking down and shedding tears. His heart ached when he noticed how your smile didn't reach your eyes sometimes, how you skillfully hid your pain behind a mask. How you easily hid your vulnerabilities from those around you.

Ghost Caleb. Who liked to touch you or hold you whenever he could. The only sign of you feeling his touch was the sudden shiver that run through your body and the sudden goosebumps on your skin. He cuddles with you and held you every time you slept, craving the warmth only you could give him.

Ghost Caleb who watched you with jealousy as you began dating stupid boys in highschool. He felt jealous of the pathetic boys you had a crush on or dated. They never deserved you or were never worthy of you. He did his best to ruin your dates at the beginning or when you brought them home. Sometimes he succeeded, other times what he did indirectly made you and those boys get closer. He couldn't help but feel euphoric when you broke up with them, but then felt guilty when he saw how crushed you become and hated how much you cried for them. He wanted to ruin the horrible exes  that made you cry and toss you aside. Those trash who cheated or played with your feelings. He followed you when you often went outside. Giving death glares to men who catcalled you on the streets. Playing tricks on boys who tried to approach you to stop them from coming near you. He'd make their pants fall down their feet, trip them when they approached, tie their shoelaces together and anything amusing he could think of. The more embarrassing, the better. And he mischievously enjoyed messing with them. He felt even better when such times could earn a laugh from you or when talked about those amusing incidents with your friends.

Part 2.!! Thanks for likes of the first part. This is my first time writing a ff here or sharing but I'll do my best. Feedback, re blogs and comments are appreciated. Thanks for reading and enjoy.