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I only saw you once, and I was already dreaming of you.
You only spoke to me once and I was already imagining your hand against mine.
You only greeted me once and in my mind wandered all the topics we could talk about.
And the more you talked to me the more I felt my mind wander through those scenarios.
And then anxiety would strike.
What if you only talked to me out of guilt?
What if you only said hello to me because you needed something in the end?
What if this is all just your way of getting something out of me?
Your way of manipulating me until I'm at your feet and do everything you tell me to do.
Your way of proving that I'll always let you walk all over me.
And then your message comes through and everything seems to cease to exist.
The anxiety, the imaginary scenarios.
Am I falling in love with you or with the illusion?
The one I like because it makes me feel good.
It makes me feel that I'm finally worth something.
That I'm not just one more in the system.
And then you ask me to help you with something.
You ask me to do homework together and I don't refuse because finally having someone else's company makes me feel good.
But the same thought comes back to my mind.
I imagine again the pain of rejection.
What will my life be like once you stop talking to me?
And if you hear those rumors from people, what will you think of me?
Will you stop talking to me or pretend you never heard them?
Or will you accept them and tell me to my face what a shitty person I am? And you'll leave and I'll be the same as in the beginning, alone.
Cold in my professions and in my friendships.
Modifying a little bit Hamilton's famous line.
And like him, pretending to give minimal importance to personal relationships.
Trying to keep myself free of any particular attachment.
And keep my happiness independent of the caprices of others.
If you ever leave I'll again be wondering when a person will come along who will truly stay with me.
I will be called manipulative at the end of this text
But believe me that midnight is when I become the most sincere.
Because my mind is so weak that it doesn't rest.
And I think about it so much that I don't sleep peacefully.
And I hope that after all this if you ever find out who wrote this, and that it was meant for you, don't leave.
Stay and assure me that you will never leave.
Just make me believe for a few seconds that I am no longer alone.
And let me see you one more time
Midnight Thoughts