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“ i love yooooouuuu ! ” “ … say it back . don’t do me like this ” “ i am the backbone of your entire childhood ” “ on all levels except legal , i’m basically your mom / dad . ” “ what movie do you want on ? ” “ this is my shitty microwave meal . get your own . ” “ say ‘aaaahhhh . ’ ” “ you’re so cuuuuuute ! ” “ who’s the best boy / girl in the world ? you are ! ” “ where’s my kiss ? ” “ wow . don’t act like you’re too good for me in front of your little baby friends ” “ what do you want to watch ? or can i just slap on , like , any cartoon and you’ll be good ? ” “ i love your cap . you’re such a cool little dude , aren’t you ? ” “ say thank you . ” “ say please ! ” “ how am i literally the only good role model in your life ? how does that work out ? i’m a garbage fire train wreck doing her best . ” “ who taught you that word ?? ” “ don’t say that word !! ” “ [ name ] acts like i won’t throat kick her for teaching you swears , and it’s just really bold of her to assume i lack that capability . ” “ venting to a kid is great , because you have literally no memory span until you’re four . you’re like a diary that sometimes smiles and laughs and like , cleanses my whole soul while i bitch . ” “ what do you mean no ?? ” “ oh my god , you learned why . never ask me why , ____ . me and my three brain cells don’t have the answers you’re after . ” “ you’re my favourite little brat . ” “ you’re just baby … ”