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struggling with the knowledge that i will lose my parents when i come out.
sure, they've been awful, and yes, they are abusive and controlling and have brought me grief. yes, they are stubbornly rooted in bigoted, heartless, cult beliefs. they're still my parents, though. i still want them at my college graduation. i still want to call my mom. i still want to see them at christmas. i still want them to love me, and i know they won't.
christian love is conditional and i will never be their son. they will cut me off.
i wish, sometimes, that i could suppress myself. i wish i could hide my identity forever. i wish i could live without transitioning. i can't. i can't go on without being who i am. i can't go by a name that doesn't fit. i can't stay in a body that makes me miserable. i have to exist.
it breaks my heart, but i am never giving in and i'm never changing who i am.