Hello All. Today I Offer You Art That Appeals To No One But Myself. Tomorrow? Who Knows.

please just take a moment with me to appreciate how "s'envoyer en l'air" has so much comedic potential as an expression considering Chuuya's ability and how much mileage two teenagers who love antagonizing each other could get out of it

itadakimasu . gochisousamadesu .

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the apothecary diaries does such a great job of portraying how traumatizing it can be to be a victim of pedophilia and grooming, instead of romanticizing it like a lot of anime series do. it is disturbing, it makes audience uncomfortable and disgusted — which is how we must feel about pedophilia. you're not supposed to feel comfortable because it's 'normalized' or 'just fiction'; you're supposed to feel disgusted.

the creator didn't make anshi 'fall in love' with the previous emperor or develop a stockholm syndrome — instead, she took her revenge in the same way he hurt her and other girls, which he deserved. her anger, hatred and disgust towards him are rightly justified and realistic for a victim of pedophilia.

the older palace lady (who might or might not be a ghost) told the girls abt her story as a victim of the previous emperor at the ghost story gathering:

whether or not she was a ghost, she wanted her story to be heard, of how much the victims suffered at the hands of the previous emperor. they were imprisoned for the rest of their lives in the same place that ruined their lives. telling her story might be the only way for her to find peace within herself.

an abuser may die but the trauma he leaves on his victims will last forever. it does not go away.

it's even presented as a horror story because there's nothing more terrifying than SA.

(i may have missed a few points but im keeping this brief. thank you for reading my essay!)

the walk home

I've been thinking a lot about the one-dimensional kinda fandom interpretations of Dazai and Chuuya in particular - the overemphasis on Dazai's weird brand of mischief/manipulation and Chuuya's anger and tendency to lash out and how it's not like these traits are... wrong, per se - these are their surface level/immediately notable characteristics - it's just that it misses the nuance as to why these traits likely exist.

What these interpretations don't fully capture is their very similar cores deep down - two people plagued by feelings of alienation, human inadequacy and repeated loss. Despite starting from these very similar places, they both dealt with the issue in near opposite ways. Dazai numbed himself to pain (remember: he hates pain! I cannot emphasize this enough!) and rarely gets close to anyone for fear he will lose them - his loss led to apathy, a withdrawal from humanity, a fear that he will always be empty inside - his ability: No Longer Human. Chuuya, on the other hand, refuses to numb himself and instead feels every single emotion in full and values his bonds with others over anything. He wants to belong and makes efforts to be perceived as a part of his group. Underlying this, however, is a kind of tired grief paired with resilience - remember that his ability is Upon the Tainted Sorrow. Not anger, or rage.

Sorrow is what results from this kind of heavy identity crisis and loss - for both of them. Think of Odasaku's read on Dazai as someone who looked close to tears when "acting" in front of the sniper poised to shoot him, describing him to Gide as a too-smart child left in the dark, or the way Stormbringer constantly reminds us that Chuuya is 16 and the desperation he feels in the scene where he holds his own dying clone, unable to help him.

Both characters carry a melancholy, resulting from their respective issues with their own humanity - I know I'm not the first one to comment on how their abilities could just as easily be referring to each other as well as themselves. This reads as very intentional to me - much like Atsushi's story begins as a clear parallel to the short story Rashoumon and Akutagawa sometimes being referred to in more beast-like terms than man, it makes sense that Dazai and Chuuya would reference each other in a similar vein.

And if that was the end of it, then we would expect that deep sorrow to shine through in both characters, but it rarely does except in pivotal moments. That's because the both of them have had to constantly deal with external threats - they believe they cannot afford to show vulnerability.

So, what you get instead is Dazai taking a kind of twisted ownership over his inhumanity and using it to make people afraid of him and to control everything so that he is never blindsided and hurt again, in the process, further alienating himself and making his issues worse. He inflicts fear so he doesn't have to be afraid. He can relax and be as silly as he wants - so long as everything around him is completely according to his predictions. There's a bonus to his foolish demeanour as well: hardly anyone can read him well enough to get close.

Then you get Chuuya, who feels so strongly and so much that it has no choice but to boil over, and due to never being able to or feeling comfortable with being anything but "the strongest", he hides moments when he is touched, or worried, or grieving, with anger and violence and defensiveness. As such, he is always seen as more weapon than person, a cut above the rest, forever standing out to others no matter how much he tries to integrate. The closest he came to true belonging was wrenched away from him before he could have a chance to know what that would actually feel like with the death of the Flags.

These surface traits are defense mechanisms. And the amusing thing to me is that likely means these two would love if that's all most people ever saw of them. (Of course, they clearly do want to be seen and accepted, but defense mechanisms become automatic over time because they often feel much safer. Likely another reason they clash so much - they see each other, and it is deeply uncomfortable for them both.)

So, you have Dazai defending himself with his two-faced nature, making jokes and/or manipulating everyone in the vicinity, and Chuuya defending himself with intimidation and anger, never letting any vulnerability show through because anger is easier but at the core of all of this is that loss and that grief and the sorrow and fear that pervades from it.

so, i was watching a good girl's guide to murder and i got some comments to make. i have wanted to read the books for some time, but haven't been able to... so i was excited for this show honestly

it is good, i liked it really but it was frustrating at times.

for example when she goes inside the bell's house 1- without gloves 2- goes around the house and room without being cautious of the windows (literally made eye contact with the fucking neighbour) 3- when you search for something in a plush, you can feel it's insides to know if it is there or not so you decide if it is really the better choicr to open it !!! but also if it's something she was opening all the time then is better to search were is opened (there will be a place come on!) instead of stabbing it without any care.

it got to my nerves that most of the time she assumed andie was dead, when there was never a body and especially after learning she was related to a dealer! but when it got to me the most was in the hotel.

yeah, when the receptionist say's that he saw andie some weeks ago it's obvious he isn't taking it seriously, but she shouldn't just erase the possibility, i would have at least grabbed 1 more of those this with the guests names that had data from after the disappearance and searched if the names were again or maybe even the same phone number!

also when they are in the hotel and try to make a distraction for the receptionist but it doesn't look like she makes sure if there are cameras or not... such an amateur.

i'm sure i had more things here, but i can't remember right now...

about the resolution of the case i have to say i was expecting elliot to be involved, but not like that... when the girl wasn't andie i was truly shocked. and i was happy my theory of sal being murdered was right, since they never discussed the idea in the episodes before i thought the story wouldn't go that way.

tho when she starts getting everything down i was like ??? yeah, he killed sal, but that doesn't answer everything! but i'm happy she took the initiative again and solved it. even if some important parts were only because of luck.

but well, i did like it, not the best mystery but it's a good watch.

about kowloon generic romance (kgr) first episode i have to say it's a bit disappointing... i think one of the best parts of the manga is that yes, the characters talk about the nostalgia, but you can feel it radiating from the pages too!! and at least this episode I don't think the anime got the vibe lol

and i do understand the decision to put everything until the picture reveal into the first episode, bc everything before is kind of an introduction so everything was a bit rushed and a lot was cut, but there are so moments i do miss (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠) i hope the rest of the season does go slower and takes the time that's necessary to build the suspense, confusion and ROMANCE!!! (in the "love" way and the literal romance way)

am i the only one that thinks about how similar teru and hanako are? i mean in the sibling™ area. it would be interesting for terus character to actually put him in a spot where he could sympathise with hanako, but also obviously draw out more their differences

i think...