Oluwande: Frenchie Offered Me His Drink Because I Mentioned I Was Thirsty.

Black Pete, standing on the dinner table: This place has gone to HELL!

Stede, to Ed: He does this once a week.

[first few episodes]

Blackbeard: Any word about Bonnet and his crew?

Izzy: They found a dollar on the ground and almost killed each other because there was a vending machine nearby.

Stede: Sometimes, people ask me how I manage my crew so easily. The answer is, I don't.

Stede: Yesterday The Swede called me into the kitchen and when I got there, Roach shot me in the throat with a Nerf gun.

[on a deserted island]

Izzy, in his journal: Day 1. Alone. Mentally sound, doing well. Met a crab.

Izzy: Day 2. I have married the crab.

Izzy: Day 3. I have eaten my wife.

[Izzy and Lucius reaching for a burger at the same time, their hands touch, their eyes meet]

Lucius: Hey, this is kinda gay-

Izzy: Get the fuck off my McDonald's.

Blackbeard: Hey, Stede-

Stede: [crying softly in front of the TV]

Blackbeard: Oh, did the documentary mention another bird that mates for life?

Stede: [nods]

Oluwande: Tell me your wildest fantasy.

Jim: I'm on Wheel of Fortune and I spin the wheel so hard it lights on fire.

Oluwande: I meant like-

Jim: Everyone claps.

[first day as a pilot]

Control Tower: What are your coordinates?

Ed: I'm by a cloud that's shaped like a lion.

Control Tower: Can you be more specific?

Ed: simba

Oluwande: Whenever Jim is mad at me, I tighten the lids on all the jars so they have to get help from me.

[glass breaks in the background]

Oluwande: It hasn't worked yet, but it'll happen.

Stede: And now it's time for some witty back and forth banter!

Izzy: [screams with rage]

Stede: I don't know where to go with that.