Mary: What Do You Want To Be For Halloween, Stede?

Ed: [deep sigh]

Ed: [takes off cowboy hat and plops down in the dirt]

Ed: [starts filling his cowboy hat with little rocks]

Ed: Feelings, huh?

Black Pete, standing on the dinner table: This place has gone to HELL!

Stede, to Ed: He does this once a week.

Stede: Sometimes, people ask me how I manage my crew so easily. The answer is, I don't.

Stede: Yesterday The Swede called me into the kitchen and when I got there, Roach shot me in the throat with a Nerf gun.

Jim: [sneaking around, trips and falls]

Spanish Jackie: Who's there?!

Jim: Nobody, fuck off!

Stede, after 3 minutes of silence: You don't have to use the chopsticks just to impress me.

Ed, trying to pick up his soda with chopsticks: I told you I got this.

[planning to attack another ship]

Stede: So what's the name of the target?

Frenchie: The cat's name is Oreo.

Stede: That's not what I asked.

Frenchie: That's what I know.

[on a deserted island]

Izzy, in his journal: Day 1. Alone. Mentally sound, doing well. Met a crab.

Izzy: Day 2. I have married the crab.

Izzy: Day 3. I have eaten my wife.

Oluwande: Tell me your wildest fantasy.

Jim: I'm on Wheel of Fortune and I spin the wheel so hard it lights on fire.

Oluwande: I meant like-

Jim: Everyone claps.

Blackbeard: I thought I was meowing back and forth at the cats for the last hour.

Blackbeard: Turns out, it was just me and Stede meowing at each other back and forth from different parts of the ship.

Izzy: Edward, we've been looking all over for you. You can't just leave a sign on your desk that says "gone leavin'".