AHHHHHHH

I love when trauma makes characters messy. I love when characters don't know how to show love. I love when they lash out. I love when they're vile and break down. I love characters who aren't perfect victims. I love when stories don't excuse behaviour but allow you to understand it

"How do you read so many books??" I am simply trying to avoid reality, what are you doing

love love loved cody "bean" winter in tgr!! i loved seeing more of their personality and perspectives, and seeing their friendships with jeremy and jean and everyone else, and how they add significantly to jean's growth. however, i was a tad sad we didn't get to see more of them with pat and ananya. i know that it's their journey playing out of accepting the possibility of a future with the two of them, which is very interesting and understandable for the timeframe, but i missed seeing the trio interact. i for sure enjoyed the exploration of other side characters this book, but it kinda set aside the floozy grouping from tsc that i loved. hopefully the trio will find their way together next book🤞

i personally think that even more significant than andrew letting neil touch him, is andrew touching neil.

we're in neil's pov so we obviously mostly see how andrew interacts with him, but andrew is very straightforward with his boundaries and very touch averse with everyone. most if not all instances of andrew touching other people are done out of violence or necessity, but from the beginning he touches neil voluntarily. bringing him down to his level, pulling him into his space, inspecting him, directing his attention, forcing neil back to himself, and eventually, out of affection and lust.

it's the touch before the first kiss that stands out the most to me though. maybe initially he's mostly scouting neil out for potential problems, but still. a man who trusts almost no one, who keeps everyone even his family at an arms length physically and emotionally, who portrays himself as completely apathetic even while drugged, who claims to want nothing, who has had touch used abusively against him for much of his life, purposefully initiates touching neil.

to me it shows even more his intentions and emotions, and attraction/interest, towards neil because he consistently chooses it himself, when he has chosen almost nothing solely for himself his entire life.

"this is nothing" pshh, right.

makes me heart wrenchingly giggly every time.

the fact that i'm no longer the same age as the protagonists of novels and films i once connected to is so heartbreaking. there was a time when I looked forward to turning their age. i did. and i also outgrew them. i continue to age, but they don't; never will. the immortality of fiction is beautiful, but cruel.

An interesting scene in tkm to me is when Neil dismisses Kevin on the bus to Binghamton.

It's the middle of the bus ride, and he's trying to decide where to sit after their rest stop as Kevin talks to them all about the stats of the team they're on their way to play. As he's making that decision it says he "felt trapped, stuck between what he wanted and what he needed, what he'd never have or be and what he had but couldn't keep."

The former of both oscillations, in my opinion, is referring to Andrew and what he feels with and for him and the team in general, and the latter are referring to exy and what Kevin could bring him to in this season and in the future as a pro.

Ultimately, he chooses Andrew, but in doing so Kevin reacts by telling him to stay and listen and "Remember that you gave me your game." Neil responds to this by saying that Kevin has given up on the team and "I'm taking my game back. I don't owe you anything."

This is Neil ending his deal with Kevin to keep playing despite knowing what is coming for him, right before he goes to do the same with Andrew.

The differences between these cutting of deals is compelling to me.

With Kevin it is more implicit in the "I'm taking my game back." In Kevin's anger and exasperation at Neil's "spoiled child" act, I don't think he recognizes what Neil is doing and meaning by ending their deal. It's not just 'Kevin gave up, so I don't owe him anything', it's Neil letting go of his ties as he prepares for what the "0" on his phone will bring.

Andrew, I believe, does recognize this. Neil ending their deal, framing it as "Let me learn to fight for myself." It is him once again cutting ties, but also releasing any blame for what is about to happen to him, especially since Andrew is very serious about his promises and so needs to be explicitly released from them if ever. Andrew doesn't know that the countdown has ended, or that there was one to begin with, but he can see that something has shifted for Neil in him asking for this. Just as he sees after their game from "the strain in Neil's mask." and the "Thank you. You were amazing."

Neil knew something was coming that day, what and when he wasn't certain, but the "0" was demonstrative enough. I think the way he ended those two deals displays a lot of his emotions towards those two things he valued.

He needed exy, but had already released the idea of keeping it. So he dismissed Kevin and anything he owed him in relation to their gameplay, still ending their deal but in a way that speaks of having understood when he started that it wasn't something that would last. He wanted safety and comfort and love, but didn't believe he'd ever have that life or be that person. So he asks Andrew to let him go, showing that he understands how Andrew works with deals, that he values him enough to end it before it's ended for them, and that their 'this' isn't something he expected to happen or knows how to want or be. Both are endings of deals, both are releases of blame, and both display to the recipients that something has changed for Neil, whether or not they recognize it.

But he chose to go to the back of the bus and to ask, he chose Andrew, even if it was only for whatever time he had left before the result of that "0".

this was my bookmark for tsc and tgr btw hehe 😏😁

i don't think in general it is concerning lol, but given Jean's mentality at the time... it just makes me wonder what he was imagining could be done to skin, his skin, with a peeler, by him or others. and that his instinct is to visualize that possibility by testing it on his finger...

dunno maybe i need to touch grass but it made me shiver reading it.

"Jean tested the edge of the peeler with his finger"

Jean's entire perspective in tsc is hard to get through, but this one line from Jeremy's pov just... *scream*

i'll leave it to your unwilling imagination

"Jean tested the edge of the peeler with his finger"

Jean's entire perspective in tsc is hard to get through, but this one line from Jeremy's pov just... *scream*

i'll leave it to your unwilling imagination

how many of us think that the Butcher's trial/case, and Neil and Jean's involvement in it, will be an event that plays a large role in the plot of the next book?

i didn't really think of it too seriously during tsc just because these books are about Jean and Jeremy, not Neil who is obviously the primary witness/corroborator for the case. but now with tgr, there have been multiple instances of the fbi and Neil himself bringing Jean further into the case as well. such as with Neil and Stuart ensuring the fbi's discovery of the Moreau's connection to the Butcher at the end of tsc, the subsequent arrest of Jean's parents in tgr, and of course the fbi stepping in to provide housing to Jean, Laila, and Cat when their house burns down, specifically outlined as being done to protect (and bribe/monitor?) a witness in said case until the trial ends.

in the discussion about the housing with Browning and Owens, they imply that the trial should be finished within the school year. so obviously it'll be happening at the very least in the background like we saw with Aaron's trial, but given these examples of Jean's perceived importance to the case by the fbi, i think it's likely that his involvement will play a larger role than i originally thought in the plot of the next book. (books? i'm still convinced there's too much to cover in only one more book, especially if this ends up being a part of it)

how he is involved, however, i'm wondering if will be different than we or even Jean is thinking. he specifically says to the agents in the housing discussion that he has provided them with the little amount of information he has and knows nothing else of worth for this case. and that's true... except for the exclusion of his knowledge on the Moriyamas. Browning's response to Jean stating that he was of no more use to them was “i guess we'll see”. i have a niggling suspicion that the fbi might be starting to look further than face value into either the potentially (though we know it's certain) extensive violence and abuse (and murder) that occurred in Evermore, or maybe even considering a connection between the Butcher and the Moriyamas and/or the Ravens given the concern brought up by Neil in tsc over why his appearance changed after going to the Nest in trk and Jean's early induction into the Ravens now that the fbi believes his family was working with the Butcher. or both given that one leads to the other.

i don't think this line of questioning will go far, considering how little it seems the fbi knows about the Moriyamas true business and the fact that we know that Neil, Jean, and Kevin continue to play exy in contract with Ichirou well into the future, but i wonder if this will become the primary issue in Jean's involvement in the trial with him having to validate his connection and knowledge about the Butcher and Neil without revealing anything about the Moriyamas, as we have already seen him having to censor himself about during the discussion with the agents.

and finally, if all of this comes to be true, i wonder if Jean's concern (likely terror) at being involved in this trial due to the Moriyamas and the complications that inevitably arise because of that, becomes how his contract and the real Moriyama business gets revealed to Jeremy, at the very least, but likely (hopefully) Cat and Laila as well... because as we know, where Jean goes those three follow and Jean will choose them right back.