"Roasted On Only The Hottest Of Fires And Only Tortured With Our Rustiest Of Pitchforks"

A joke my boyfriend came up with

Okay, I was doing an accent and I said

"it sounds like a mix of Scottish and Russian"

And he says

"Its a ROTTEN!"

That was the funniest shit at the time

Hanging in the woods part 5

My cat is is so fat and eats so much that I have started to call him "fatso", "fatass", and "you fat fuck" so much that I sound like I'm talking to Eric Cartman. Which makes sense because they're both assholes who act like they don't care.

Blood is thicker than water, but syrup is thicker than blood

They say blood is thicker than water

But the people I know are not bland, boring, ordinary water.

The people I know are syrup, sweet and good and interesting.

My blood is thicker than the water around us, but the syrup I surround myself with is thicker and sweeter than blood.

So if you're toxic I'll drown you in Pancake sauce buddy.

Noob

Can you have group chats on tumblr? That would be cool I think.

Baked beans taste like the color gray

I have made me me memes

My midnight snack. You'd think I was starving dude.

Yes

The Rapture

Being "Jr." or "the Second" is the real life equivalent of having to put numbers after a username.

“I’m John Smith, and this is my son, John Smith Underscore Sixty-Nine.”