Washing Machines Are Like Indoor Swimming Pools For Clothes ._.

Can I pls have some nsfw slenderman headcanons 😗

Ask and thou shall receive. NSFW below~

Prepare to be pampered by not only the king of the kitchen but also the king of the bedroom. This man is experienced and he can give it to you any way you want it. You want him to slam you into the mattress for a few hours? Bend over for him and let him get to work.  You wanna ride him until you can't anymore? Hop on. Rough sex, lovemaking, angry sex, worshipping sex. He's done it all and can give it all.

Open to lots of things if his partner wants to mix it up, but nothing in public. If he were to get caught it could jeopardize his career and the respect that he's earned over the last few centuries. 

You can't really leave marks on him because of his skin/healing powers, but if you try to anyways it'll get him even more fired up. If you want him to leave marks on you he always does it in discreet locations.

He can be loud or quiet during sex depending on his lover's preference, but if you get him too into it the noises he tries to hold in will end up reverberating around inside your mind. Best hope nobody else is close enough to hear.

He can't decide on a favorite place to finish so he'll finish wherever you want him to.

Also a God at aftercare. He'll give you a nice massage if you need one, run you a nice hot bath, or just clean you up and cuddle if that's all you really need. Always keeps a glass of water on the nightstand for you.

Something that'll never happen to me as long as I stay in my spider form, because flies and yummy roaches are pests to humans! 🕷️❤️😘🥰😍💯🤭😁☺️😉😋🥳👀👉🏻👈🏻

I just cut my dick off, and it's bleeding a lot... What do I do, doctor?

Uh, cauterize it?

I feel half dead and for some reason I'm expiriencing dizziness, nausea at the moments, and slight pain in the ear drums at certain movenments. But my sweet little pet crow does make me feel a little better at least.

I've already had an X-ray taken at my wrist as well but nothing could be found. There is also no sweeling or discoloration. Therefore I guess that it's probably just really sprained. But the hip is definitely a problem. 🕷️❤️😭

Bit not good little human moment: I've spontanously decided to jump off my e-scooter yesterday and smooch the pavement. At full force. Now I can't move my wrist anymore and my fingers only partly because it hurts like hell. My left hand is now utterly and completely useless, and my right hip is out of place (again. Hip dysplasia is a bitch). I hope your days have been better than mine... 🕷️❤️😭

Indeed, the limitations of the physical human form, an inconvenience. That happens to me sometimes too, overestimating what my physical form can endure and then damaging it in the process. Sadly we do have to take care of transport, and are trapped in it's limitations. It's probably better to not spontaneously jump of things, I know that from experience. Especially jumping from things moving with high velocity sounds like a recipe for disaster. Be more careful in the future. The damage you are describing sounds significant, you should probably visit a doctor. Until you see a doctor you should try to rest the affected limbs, cool them and take some analgesics. You probably also have skin lesions which you should disinfect too. I hope that the damage is not too bad and just sprains with no permanent damage. I wish for your swift recovery, and that the pain is minimal.

Want me to scramble over to your place? I bet there are some really nice flies around with all these corpses od dead humans! 🕷️❤️😘🥰😍😇🙂☺️😉😌🤤😏😁🤭😋💯👀👉🏻👈🏻

merry crimemas, what crime are you planning on committing?

sodomy

And me! I like flies! 🕷️❤️🥰😘😍😌☺️😉😁✨💯🥳🤤👉🏻👈🏻

Hi Jim! Did you miss me?

- @consult-sebmoran

Again? You drop and pop up like flies.

Which is perfect for someone like me.

Well, since keep saying that you didn't fall down the staircase, can I ask what exactly happened? 🕷️❤️🥰😘😍🥺🥹😭😳🥲😅☺️😉😁😌🤣😂✨💯👉🏻👈🏻

Does your broken butt fell better today, Sherly? 🕷️❤️🥰😘😍🥺🥹😭😳🥲😅☺️😉😁😌😂🤣👉🏻👈🏻

My posterior is not broken. The majority of it consists of muscles like the gluteus maximus, which you can't really break.

Concerning my bruised non-injured coccyx and sacrum, I might have palpated them when if I had fallen on them. And the theoretical palpation showed no broken or moving parts. No x-ray necessary given that a broken coccyx can't be treated with a cast anyway given you can't immobilise the bone properly.

But of course such a theoretical injury takes some days to heal and several impact points on legs and arms have bruises when you fall down the stairs. Hematoma usually take a few weeks to heal, as well as the pain to lessen. All theoretical, of course.

I can't believe I'm actualy going to ask for this but, I wanna know Slender brothers reactions when one of the other creeps (or even the other brothers) tease him for his crush on the reader who happens to walks by at moment and hear everything? If you write for them and want to write this of course

Here you go! I hope you like it! Sooooooorrrry its taken so long ): 

~~~

Splenderman:

·         Splender cares not for ‘teasing’? Pft. What are you talking about! He’s a centuries old eldritch being who basically feeds off of the happiness around and inside him- you don’t think he’d have learnt not to be bothered by most words by now? (I say ‘most’, because words said by his brothers that ring with truth still, of course, hurt and push him to change and improve).

·         But, Slender is still irritating when he’s persistent. And Slender is always persistent. Stubborn bastard. Especially when he has a goal in mind- which is to get you and Splender out of his home because you’ve both been here for 3 months non-stop, beating around the bush with each other and not just coming out with your feelings and Slender is going to get you out of his house even if it means playing cupid *Disgust audible on ‘cupid’*.

·         Splender is aware of this ulterior motive to Slender trying to get him to confess… its just not enough. Splender never confesses feelings first to mortals, although he really wants to. He wants you to come to your own conclusions first because he doesn’t like the power imbalance involved in him taking the reins in a romantic relationship between you, a mortal, and him, an omnipotent immortal being. (Side note: He will absolutely never, ever, in a million years read your mind, either. Absolutely not)

·         They’re in one of the many hallways in the mansion and you’re walking through the kitchen on your way to the living room which will lead to this particular hallways, when everything goes to hell (Or heaven, depending on how you feel XD). “I can’t, Slender.”

·         Quickly, out loud and out right, Slender says. “You’ll never know how bleeding irritating your sense of morality is to me Splender.”

·         “Hm, what?” Splender hadn’t quite heard what he said because he had to quickly catch a book that had slipped off his pile, as he was busy carrying some books down the hallway (Towards the Livingroom doorway) to the archive room down the hall as his little brother badgered him.

·         “I said I hate your moral compass.”

·         “Ah, what’s new?”

·         Slender, for a moment, stops talking. Doesn’t have a quip ready yet then, Splender thinks. Must be thinking of a new angle to persuade me with.

·         Really he’s sensed your approach to the living room door, just as they are, and is waiting for the appropriate moment to be am evil little shit. “Ah, mind blip. What were we talking about again?”

·         Splender reads the cover of the book he saved from the floor absentmindedly. “My ‘Complete idiocy in staying in your home, that I helped to build in the first place, as I wait for lovely Y/N to confess to me so I can confess back and not force her into a relationship with our power imbalance, which is bothering you, King of The World Slenderman, for but a couple months of your immortal life’? I think that’s how you put it- I mean, I could have added some things but- “

·         “Oh, good afternoon Y/N. Finally. You’re here.” Slender greets you, standing now in the living room doorway as they stand, like, 2 feet from it. Definitely not far enough away that you didn’t hear all that. “You heard. That’s wonderful. Bye, then. I expect you both out by the morning- if I do see you then, you’re on your own for breakfast you squatters.”

·         Then Slender disappears and you and Splender are left standing shocked in the hallway.

·         “Umm… “Splender wonders what he could say, being cautious as he slowly lowers the books from his face. “Dear, we should talk.”

·         You grin. “Come on, hand me some of those books and we’ll talk while we put them away.”

Offenderman:

·         Look, Offender can handle teasing. All the Slender’s can (Except for Slender, haha), but Offender especially doesn’t mind it because he has total confidence in how, uh, disturbing he is and his ability to scare people off. Especially, he thought prior to this day, little scrawny oven fried teenagers.

·         But apparently, he had overestimated his capability with this particular pest.

·         Offender had come to Slender mansion today to rest up because no place is quite as uneventful and as such, good for rehabilitation as his brothers home (And also, you’re here so that’s obviously a factor) is, but Jeff had been catching him every time they were anywhere near each other with a quip or a chortle about his obvious feelings for you.

·         I mean, of course they were obvious (To everyone but you, clearly). He flirts with you heavily, and yet has never made a proper, serious -unwarranted, - advance towards your person. He always saves a seat for you if he knows you’ll be around, and he’s been around the mansion far more often then he used to be. So, yeah, it was obvious. Offender wasn’t trying to hide it- in fact he wanted you to know. But somehow you hadn’t picked up on the hints?

·         Jeff had, though. And, also, everyone else who has visited the mansion at any time that you and Offender are there as well. But Jeff is the only one posing a problem at the moment.

·         He just thought it was so funny, that Offender had found a person he actually liked, and who caused him to hesitate about hurting (The first time he met you, and he intended to hurt you he hesitated. And that is how he realised he had a crush), and Jeff would just not let that slide.

·         Offender had brushed him off and snapped back at him in his casual, yet very very threatening style enough today.

·         So now Jeff had to be really dealt with.

·         “Look, ugly child, in my experience a boy only spends this much energy on someone if he likes them. So, unless you want to prove your worthiness to me in a more private setting- I’d give it a rest!”

·         And that moment, in which Offender has cornered a Jeff The Killer who is now reconsidering his actions today in the shadow of the Sexual Offenderman, is the one you walk into.

·         Jeff and Offender spot you at the same time and as Offender’s wondering how he can twist this into him not actually threatening to rape Jeff, Jeff’s panicked pea brain goes a completely different direction to what his cunning (Yes, I promise you, when he isn’t panicked because a Slender Brother is hovering over him, he can in fact be smart) ass would have done in another position, and points to Offender and exclaims- “He’s in love with you!”

·         Offender stops- Well, actually, thank you Jeff, that’s actually helpful. You might actually hear it, now. But he is still frustrated by the boy so he turns away from him and just growls, “You’re excused, thank you for your service Jeff.” *And in Jeff’s head: And wish on your lucky star that I don’t visit you when you’re sleeping tonight. You’ll learn it’s not so funny to badger an eldritch monster. *

·         (Don’t worry, he doesn’t plan to visit Jeff at all. His focus is on you now)

·         Jeff BOOKS IT, anyway. Cuz he doesn’t know that!  

·         Now that it’s just you two, and he has sufficiently scared Jeff shitless, Offender brightens again. “Y/N!~ I think it’s a good idea that we have a sit down together and talk about this, yeah?”

·         *Cue Offender manipulating you through acting like a nice, level headed guy who just wants ya’ll to have tea together, into sitting with him and so he can charm you, now that he knows you actually understand his feelings*

Trenderman:

·         Zalgo is bored. And when Zalgo is bored, the Slender brothers end up getting bothered. It’s usually Splender or Slender (Mostly Slender) and almost never Trender, but Zalgo is happy to work with this.

·         There are two reasons Zalgo never gets to annoy Trender. 1. Trender is usually very levelheaded, and as such, is the least fun to play with. Zalgo can ordinarily, never find a good angle. And reason 2 is a result of the first reason: Being that he never has anything going on that can be picked on.

·         But… now, Zalgo knows about a little crush that Trender has! And as such, he can finally finish his collection of annoying the Slender Brothers. So yay for Zalgo!

·         Not so yay for Trender.

·         “Zalgo, I’m really busy, so let’s get straight to the point. We’ve never had any sort of relationship, so, and take this with the most sensitivity- why are you here??”

·         “Ooh, so authoritive and formal. Just like Slender- tell me, Slender’s older brother, why haven’t we had a relationship?”  

·         “Can I pay you to leave?”

·         “Oh right! You would rather Y/N think you’re hot. I wouldn’t worry, I’m sure they do. Don’t worry, you have Slender’s formality, Offender’s shoulders and Splender’s approachability, “Chef kiss. “Perfection!”

·         Trender’s mouth rips open and he forces a natural growl out. He hates being compared to his brothers. He is not a cocktail of his brothers; he is nothing more and nothing less then himself.  “You deeply offend me. You’re whole being does.”

·         “That’s what I go for!”

·         “Anyway- “

·         “Anyway,” Zalgo mimicks Trender here, getting a deep sigh from Trender in response. Chuckling, Zalgo, straightens himself and speaks again in his normal voice. “So you do like Y/N, right? I’m not way off?”

·         Trender, mid wiping down his face halts, then turns to look at Zalgo. “Wait- That was the point of this conversation!?”

·         “Yeah! Wasn’t that clear?”

·         “No!” Trender exclaims, outraged. He thought Zalgo was just mindlessly antagonising him- that sure is what it felt like!

·         “Well, haha, mate. You were way off, then!”

·         “Agh, YES! I like Y/N! Wouldja go, now?”

·         “Certainly!” And, with one last giggle, he does. Walking down the hall to Slender’s office. He sends finger guns and winks to someone hidden in one of the rooms he passes. “Oh hey Y/N, see ya later! I’m sure you have lots to talk with Trender about!”

·         “Uh… yeah… “ You, left standing in the doorway to your room as you were about to leave it and go get something to eat when Trender yelled at Zalgo that he liked you, turn down the hall to a very still, very surprised Trender. You raise your eyebrows.

·         “Oh… of course.” Trender drops his arms to his sides and zips his mouth shut again.

Slenderman:

·         “Toby… “Slender says the words slowly, nearly whining in frustration as he just wishes his proxy would leave him alone about you. Alas, Slender had made a mistake and given Toby the duties that revolve around being close to their boss all day, like a moron, and now he was stuck with him.

·         And it’s not like Toby is teasing his boss. No! He’s but… questioning him.

·         Interrogating him.

·         But in the friendliest way possible!... Which just so happens to annoy Slender even more.

·         “So, you don’t like them?? Yes? No? Maybe? ‘Its Complicated’? Do they scare you? Do you know anything about them? Have you told your brothers? I mean, I wouldn’t. You might though, they are you brothers and you trust them, right? RiGHt? Uh well… on second thoughts, maybe you don’t. You’re a lil bit of a locked shell you know boss? You should confide in someone more! You’d feel way more chill. I confide in Masky or Clocky! Masky only with gross things like this mole I have on my butt- He hates it. I also talk to Hoodie! But I feel like he tells everything to Masky, he’s a bit untrustworthy. A bit off, I dunno. Scares me- OH maybe that person that you can confide in, sir, can be Y/N!”  

·         “Toby!”

·         “Yes boss?!”

·         “Calm yourself!”

·         “Yes boss!!”

·         “I need to stop hiring rando’s off the street… “Slender mutters to himself, continuing down the hallways even grumpier than usual. “Next time I need to pick up an accountant or a lawyer or something… Absolutely no more waffle crazy arsonists. “

·         “What was that sir?”

·         “I was just pondering where I should bury you after I get your replacement trained.”

·         “Ah, right sir! I always liked that bit of earth down by the lake- not too cold, not too warm, no bears nearby… “

·         Slender groans, turning and entering into the living room and going for the kitchen. He needs a cup of tea desperately.

·         “Toby, new rule. No more talking about my ALLEGED feelings for Y/N, got it? Punishment is death.”

·         “I wont need to sir.”

·         Immediate suspicion fills Slender’s chest. Toby… wont… need to talk about it? Why? “Why is that, Toby?”

·         “She’s sitting on the couch, sir.”

·         Slender has never whipped around so fast. But once he has, he definitely feels the need to do it faster, again, and run off somewhere but he restrains himself.

·         There you are, bundled in a blanket on the couch like a caterpillar sitting up the remote and some of your fingers peaking out from the face hole (The struggle of turning on the TV when you’re bundled up in the blanket, aghh). Your eyes are wide, as anyone’s would be after hearing the Slenderman hint that he has feelings for you.

·         It’s a very awkward moment. You, a caterpillar, Slender, a mute, and Toby looking between the two of you expectantly waiting for something to happen.

·         … Before Slender teleports away without a word.

Could I request for the Yandere slender Bros having eyes for the same person?

haha what eyes

Yan!Slender Brothers

Out of all of them, I think Slender would be the worst.

He has a power complex, and it's not the principle whether he has his darling, it's the principle that you are HIS.

Slender does not take it kindly that there's three other people after you, let alone his brothers of all people.

He morally can't dispose of them (and on top of that his Mother would slaughter him).

But he does try to scare them off with threats and even some bodily harm.

Second handedly, of course.

But Offender isn't afraid to throw hands with anyone.

He will physically fight for his love, whether it kills him in the process or not.

He might get a brain injury or two if he tries to go after Slender, who for sure has the most custody over you at the moment.

Trender is more reasonable and tries to talk things out to create a deal.

He'll borrow you for a day or so to say goodbye, and then give you back to Slender.

Of course, he won't follow through with it, but that's beside the point.

Splendor, however, is a little shit.

He's the youngest sibling, and he knows how to get away with a lot of things under his brother's noses.

If he's strategic enough, he'll be able to whisk you away while Slender is distracted with his other siblings.

Slender, Splendor, Offender will not give you a choice between the four. If you don't love them, you'll just have to learn.

Trender is more lenient and self-aware. He knows you can't change love. But he will try to change himself so your heart will sway in his favor.

This doesn't mean he won't pop up frequently to check on you.

Can I get some headcanons for Soma and/or Ciel exploring a graveyard at night with their s/o. Who knows how they managed to get rid of Angi and Sebastian, I'm sure they'll figure something out..

🎃 Soma:

He will be very excited for the idea—and less when you will actually reach the cemetery. It seemed like a great adventure idea and he is not easily frightened so he agreed without hesitation, right now, however, he will have mixed feelings about it. What if someone catches you? Arrests you? Kills you? The graveyard looked much more peaceful in the daylight, unlike in the middle of the night!

Soma will cling to your arm as if his life depended on it, suddenly remembering about all those scary folktales he head as a child and later on, during travelling arounf the world. What if all those ghosts are real? Can they hurt you anyways? Or just scare you to death?

He will be babbling more than usually, trying to kill the silence with his voice to prevent getting surprised by someone—or something. It will be rather succesful, though, since his tone will make everything want to get away from you, especially after hearing his high-pitched scream when the branch poked him on the shoulder while passing some graves near the trees.

Soma will beg you to come back home after the first few minutes on the cemetery, having enough of the adrenaline for the rest of the year. And prehaps some more, too.

🎃 Ciel:

What is even the point of that? Graveyard is dangerous in the night, this is the place where bandits could hide, after all. Still, he won’t want to ruin your mood and will agree to go exploring, although he will be extremely unwilling to waste the time like this.

After reaching the graveyard, he will mentally pat his own shoulder and admit that he was right from the very beginning—as always—seeing that this place was just perfect to hide from the eyes of rightful men. Good thing, he will bring a gun with him.

He will wander with you through the tombs, lazily taking next steps and wondering why did he even agree for that. Ciel will be completely and utterly bored, it is not like the dead can do you any harm and all the ghosts are nothing more than a fairytale told to the children to keep them calm and quiet. The silence surrounding the graveyard will be rather peaceful, though, as if it was completely divided from the outside world where all his duties and struggles were awaiting for his return.

He will be careful and observing yet relaxed during the whole exploring, knowing that he should protect you when needed, but not allowing the fear to take over his guts. For him, it will be nothing but an unnecessary stroll in the middle of the night, although he will think about your hand firmly holding his for a long time since you will come back to the manor.

He will catch a cold after that.

Do you have any headcannons for slender?

Sure do~

Slenderman Headcanons: 

He should be considered a mafia boss with the number of people working for him.

But he's more accurately like a father with a bunch of children he hires to do work.

He's in charge of the entirety of the manor. What jobs are coming in, who does them, financial stability, electricity, water, medical needs, house repairs, etc.

In the Underworld, the mansion would be considered a business, and Slenderman is the CEO of said business. He recruits all of the residents in the mansion and they then form a sort of contract with him. This gives them immortality for the duration of the contract, grants them disguises when in the human world for reasons other than work, and it grants them room and board at the mansion.

He can project his voice outside normally, although if he needs to have a private conversation with someone he can do it inside their mind. He tries not to do this too often as he views it as an invasion of privacy.

He tries to maintain a personal level with all the residents of the mansion to make sure relationships amongst them are going well and nobody is getting too depressed, too dangerous, too angry. He likes to look out for them.

He thoroughly enjoys reading as his favorite hobby. In the mansion he has a huge library in the center of it that's several stories and has just about every book you can think of. He collects medical ones sometimes for EJ, some manga for BEN, or some YA novels for the younger creeps. One time Jane and Natalie got him into a few different YA romance novels and even though it wasn't his normal taste he got pretty into them and they talked about them over tea. This sparked a weekly book club that any of the residents can partake in.

He's also quite fond of poetry, and he even writes his own. He has that stored in the library as well although it's in a hidden section only a few people can access.

King of the kitchen. He can make just about any dish you could think to want. Being alive for so long grants you lots of time to experiment and try different foods. 

Loves gardening and has a huge garden that circles the entirety of the mansion. He takes an extreme amount of pride in it and thinks any residence isn't complete without some flowers. He is very protective of it and only allows a select few to manage it, Toby is one of them as it puts him to work and he too values flowers and nature.