Sorry Everyone

I answer for no one.

HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE Let’s say it’s 6.15pm and you’re going home (alone of course), after an unusually hard day on the job. You’re really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to drag out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don’t know if you’ll be able to make it that far. You have been trained in CPR, but the guy that taught the course did not tell you how to perform it on yourself..!! NOW HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE… Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, without help, the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can perhaps buy precious time to get themselves to a phone and dial 911. Rather than sharing another joke please contribute by broadcasting this which can save a person’s life! Be prepared and become part of the solution. Get your free next-of-kin notification card today. Click here: https://www.InCaseOfEmergencyCard.com/

Big pet peeve, we need room, we don’t want to hit you, you really don’t want to get hit (and don’t cross the road in the middle of the block, guard and band)

From someone who has performed at Disney..

Please don’t walk next to us while on a parade route, and if you do, please watch your distance. I marched with my color guard in Magic Kingdom. We have restrictions as to how we perform. We can’t toss. Are can’t fully extend our arms. We have to leave 3-5 feet between us and the sidewalk or wherever guests are. And the last time I was in a parade there was a woman walking at least a foot next to me as I was spinning. I kept trying to miss her as I was doing my routine, but unfortunately I did hit her a few times because she was walking next to me. If you are family recording us, and you know the distance we are supposed to be, that’s fine. But this was someone who was blatantly walking next to me, paying no attention to the six foot pole I was spinning. So please. If you are watching the parades, keep your distance. Thank you.

Surviving IKEA

Never enter near closing hours.

Do not mispronounce IKEA product names. What you summon will haunt you.

Do not trust the arrows.

Walls shift and new ones appear out of nowhere.

Avoid, at any cost, staying after closing hours.

Do not ask employees for directions to the exit. Most of them have been trapped inside the building ever since they signed the contract. These once happy and good people have grown spiteful. Do not trust them. They want you to stay.

Make the bed after trying it out. It makes them less angry.

In case you are trapped:

Find John. He has lived in the store for six years, unnoticed.

Avoid eye contact with employees roaming around.

Hide whenever possible.

The ghost families living in the showrooms won’t betray you.

Do not steal any pencils. It will give away your position.

Avoid walking through the bed area. The creatures sleeping there won’t appreciate your presence.

When music from the 30s starts blasting through the speakers, Walter, the handyman, has noticed you and wants to drive his screwdriver through your ear.

Run.

He often shouts jokes chasing you followed by the laughter of IKEA personnel echoing throughout the store. Never let your guard down.

Open as many wardrobes as you can. Some of them are magic portals. Pray that you find one in time before he finds you.

Only go through a portal when absolutely necessary. What you find on the other side is often not pleasant.

If there is no other option, try pronouncing the name of the IKEA furniture closest to you. The ground will start to shake. Prepare yourself for the worst.

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mesmerizer

spent my easter afternoon giving bucky wings what even is my life

“Who would ever guess that a 6 foot pole and a long piece of silk bound by electrical tape would teach me what it means to be express, to share, to truly live.”

— @diss0nestly

How I wanna be

“Come on little lady, give us a smile”

No, I ain’t got nothing to smile about